In Limbo

[Em_325]

Well as the title says I am currently in limbo- it appears as though i dont have a viable pg yet I am yet to have a mc. If you can bear with me I feel the need to get the whole story out (more for my own sake than anyone elses iykwim) so be warned it could be a long one.

The background
My DH and I had been TTC for 2 years prior to this pg. The first year I was a bit blase about it all and assumed it would happen fairly quickly which of course it didnt. When the second year rolled around (by this time I was obsessed with TTC) I knew it was time to stop living in denial and go and see a FS. I had my first appointment with the FS in late May and we booked a lap in for July. I was finally starting to feel a bit more positive about it as we were taking action to get that elusive BFP.

The day after the FS appointment DH and I went on a week's holiday to Victoria and due to getting stuck in a flood I couldnt carry out my normal POAS addiction. I had tested at 10 DPO which was a BFN so I didnt think there was any hope anyway. When AF didnt arrive though the 3 day wait to get home and test was bad and by the time I walked in the door I was confident I was going to get my BFP which I did.

Cue happy emotions we had done it! The relief we both felt was overwhelming. I know its stupid but in those first few days of getting the BFP I had already planned the early life of my unborn child. DH got super excited and started telling everyone in his family. This is when the first doubts crept in- I couldnt get rid of the nagging voice in the back of my head that said dont tell people as it will make it harder if you mc. I decided I the only people I would tell prior to 12 wks was my work team. There is only 6 of us in my department and we are really close so the absence of me at Friday night drinks would have been a dead give away and I was already experiencing nausea etc so I couldnt see the point in lying to them.

The Story

Skip forward to when I should have been 6+4 by my LMP and I went to the toilet to discover I was spotting brown blood. Of course I freaked out and got in to to see an OB ( i had my first appointment booked for the following week) He wasnt overly concerned. It was brown and small in amounts and could be perfectly normal but he referred me for a scan to make sure everything was ok.

I had the scan the following afternoon and thats where the real problems started. The gestational sac was measuring at 5+4 (they did say 5+6 at the time but changed it in the report) and they could only see a yolk sac. I was told it is too early and to come back in a week's time for another look. As my cycles were longer than 28 days with the help of the girls from my BB group I figured that if you just add 2 weeks to my O date I would have been 6+1. As they had told me 5+6 I wasnt too concerned as it was only a couple of days out. The absence of a fetal pole was worrying so of course I turned to Dr Google and saw lots of stories that went either way. At first I was convinced it was over but as the week went on I started to feel more confident although deep down I knew this wasnt going to end well. The brown spotting had not stopped but had not gotten any worse.

This Wed just gone I went back to my Ob who started talking about what I could do to conceive quickly again. He didnt come straight out and say it was bad but when you talk in terms of TTC again its obvious what he was thinking.

Yesterday I had my follow up scan and there is still no fetal pole. The gestational sac has grown and is now 14mm and the yolk sac was still present but that is it. The sonographer told me that by now (7+1) they should be able to see something and sometimes an egg just doesnt develop properly. The irony of it all is the spotting is not coming from the ges sac and they told me it was nicely implanted and had no signs of coming away from the wall so the spotting is coming from somewhere else most likely my cervix.

So now I have to have 2 blood tests 48hrs apart to test the HCG (they hadnt done a blood test prior to this) and go back for a follow up scan next Friday before they make a diagnosis.

I dont really know where I stand now I dont feel like I can say i'm pregnant if there is no embryo yet I havent had a mc so where do I fit in? My Ob wont see me again till after the 3rd scan so I dont even have a proper diagnosis. I know though within my self that this is not going to progress. My symptoms are slowly easing off and well I just know.

After a big cry yesterday today I just feel angry. This is a cruel trick... I waited for this for 2 years only for it to not go anywhere. I dont even feel like I can complain as I havent even lost a baby there is nothing but a ges sac and yolk sac to loose. And if one more member of DH's family says to me "at least you know you can get pg now" I think I will snap.

I suppose the biggest question I have to anyone reading (if you managed to get this far) is this classed as a blighted ovum or a missed miscarriage? Some sites say blighted ovum but others say if you have a yolk sac present then it is not a blighted ovum???

Any advice/support you can give to get me through this next week would be much appreciated.

[Maruschke]

I am so sorry you are going through this. As far as I am concerned, a blighted ovum is a miscarriage. The sperm met the egg, and fused together, and sadly you didn't get to bring home your bub. It is OK to grieve this baby, it is legitimate, and you don't need to be concerned that you somehow don't qualify to be grieving. TTC (and especially LTTTC) is so difficult and having a m/c just makes it that much harder. Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone.

[foreva*your*mummy]

I have no advice babe. Just huge hugs. I hope someone on here can shed some light on what you are going through.A mc is hard enough but to be in the middle must be so frustraiting. I hope you get some answers soon

[Andie78]

sorry em_325, its such a rollercoaster of emotions for you at the moment.

i cant help you with what your situation is classed as, but i can empathise with your situation. the joy of a positive pregnancy after such a long time trying, combined with the uncertainty of the outcome - its stressful and upsetting. you dont need to feel like your feelings arent warranted, its perfectly normal to be upset going through this, regardless of what it is classed as. in terms of family members - sighs & rolls eyes - they just dont get it somtimes. im sorry they arent being as sensitive as they could be. im sure there will be other bb members popping in here to give you the support and information that you need at the moment.

i hope your blood tests give you a definitive answer and you can move forward from there. xx

[LionsandBears]

it's tough. A blighted ovum is another term for anembryonic pregnancy. For some reason, usually chromosomal, when the egg is fertilised and starts to split, one part develops into what will become the placenta but the bit that should develop into the embryo doesnt. Irrespective of terms, conception occurred. When a pregnancy fails early, it's a miscarriage. So this is likely a missed miscarriage.

I have heard that sometimes embryos can be missed so it's good you're going back for another scan. It's tough when you want to hope but the outcome is likely not good.

People say all sorts of things. Biological facts dont change the fact that you already loved your baby and that you're grieving. You're allowed to grieve.

[OceanPrincess]

People say all sorts of things. Biological facts dont change the fact that you already loved your baby and that you're grieving. You're allowed to grieve.

Exactly this. You must be so frustrated not knowing 100% what is happening... I only had a period of about 8 hours where we were in the dark and it did my head in. And my heart

Be gentle with yourself. Crying is good.

[Em_325]

Thankyou so much for your kind words. I ended up in ER today and they are 99% sure I have had an incomplete mc. As my hcg is still going up (very slowly though) there is a 1% chance so DH and I couldn't commit to the D&C tonight even though we know it's over. So I will have one more blood test and scan on Wed before going in for the surgery. It really hit me tonight that whilst a part of me has accepted its over there is another big part that is terrified to give up on this pg.

[foreva*your*mummy]

Em I am just wondering he you are doing now, I know I have posts before but I am now in a different situation. I should be 8 w 3 d. But I started to spot old blood last we'd night and then on Thursday I think I had a full mc, I am still bleeding and have been having cramps till now. I am going for a scan tomorrow( mon). I know it is over for me but I am terrified of them saying it. Did you end up having a d&c?. I hope you are being kind to yourself and are traveling well.

[Em_325]

Oh FYM I am so sorry to read that. Life can be so cruel. How did your scan go today? I know what you mean about being terrified to say it. As soon as I saw the first drop of blood I knew deep down what was happening but it took time to actually accept it.

I am going ok. I haven't been on BB much this past week as it was too hard but I'm feeling a bit stronger now. I havent had a d&c. The scan showed I had a complete mc so they are just monitoring me as I had a very thick lining and my OB was worried about the bleeding. I am still bleeding now but it is finally starting to slow down so I think I will be able to avoid it. I had my hcg tested 2 days after the mc and it had dropped from 9500 2days before the mc to 1000. I have just had another blood test to see where they are at but I am hoping it will be the last. My breasts are just about back to normal size (it was my 1st symptom and apparently my last) so I'm confident the levels will be low.

Take care of yourself hun and if you ever want to chat pm me.

[foreva*your*mummy]

Thanks you for replying Em you actually made me cry, I know it is really hard to talk about sometimes. I so sorry this happened to you too. I guess I knew too that when the red blood came then that was it. The scan went as ok as expected but it all hasnt fully come away so I am hoping I dont have to have a D&C, I am still in alot of pain because of this. I go back to see my doc tomorrow. It wasnt as hard to hear when I finally got in there as I just knew.
FX that your HCG levels are down and you will just have to recover emotionally.
Are you going to TTc again soon or give it some time?

We are going to try as soon as we can.
xxx

[Diamond Girl]

Im so sorry for your losses girls. Its such a horrible thing to go through. My levels took about 6w after D&C to return to zero with each m/c so it it can take a while, but for most people it seems to happen faster. Emotional healing, well, Im still not healed yet. Not sure I ever will. It really is an individual thing. Good luck with your TTC journeys.

Big hugs to you both xx

[Footsteps]

Im so sorry ladies. Much love x

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

[Em_325]

Thanks for the kind words Footsteps and DG

FYM please make sure your doctor does a d&c if it is not complete and watch yourself closely for signs of infection.

We are going to try again after one cycle. I just want to stop bleeding so AF can return and we can get back into TTC. After 2 years of TTC I am so scared it will take ages again as I just want to be pg again now. I also hate the fact that we have no explanation as to why I had the mc. It wasn't a blighted ovum as the scan 2 days before the mc showed an embryo with a hb but something was wrong and it drives me insane to not know what so I can try and prevent it from happening again.

Try and rest as much as you can. I know its hard with 3 boys but rest is the most important thing for you right now. Please keep me updated with how you are going. We can support each other through this hard journey.

[foreva*your*mummy]

and same to you too EM, there is nothing you can do or did do to cause the MC. I truly believe that it was your bodys way of saying things are not right.
This is TMI but I passed a gush of blood yesterday and I am feeling so much better ( no cramping now) so I am wondering if this is what they saw on the scan and has now passed. The bleeding has now pretty much stopped so I dont know if this is normal. I will see the doc today hopefully cause I couldnt get in yesterday.

My DF has been so good, I have been resting and you need to aswell.
I really hope things happen quickly for you. What I am really scared of is it happening again I dont think I could handle that. I had a MC 9 years ago,it was a shock that we where pregnant because it wasnt planned so when we realised i had had a mc we decided that it wasnt time to have another baby and waited about 2 years before getting pregnant again so this time to try straight away im so afraid ill have another MC.
How long have you been bleeding for? have you seen a doc?
keep positive and im hoping you can start soon

[thirdtimelucky77]

HI forever your mummy,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss Sending big hugs...

I don't know if this will help you or not, but when I was in a similar situation - I probably would've liked to hear of someone else's experience. Believe it or not I don't know these forums existed then and it was only 4 years ago!

I suffered an mc at roughly 8.5 weeks - 4 years ago. I was devastated but it all happened pretty quickly, similar to you TMI ahead - i suffered a big bleed and passed some clotting and then things went back to normal fairly quickly physically anyway. I was lucky and didn't need to have a d&c or anything.

I was terrified of it happening again - and I was desperate to fall pregnant again, as quickly as possible. My OB was happy for us to start trying again when we were ready. Anyway - as soon as the bleeding ceased we pretty much started DTD immediately - I had no idea where I was in my cycle or whether it even was a cycle, or whether I would need to wait for a period and then ovulation before anything could happen.

We DTD every second day after the bleeding stopped, I don't remember how long for but prob a month or so. 6 weeks after the mc bleeding stopped I still hadn't had a period. Long story short, my DH and I were in Japan together for work and I got head lice. The Japanese pharmacist sold me the head lice stuff and explained to our interpreter that if there was any chance I could be pregnant not to do the lice treatment.

So we bought a pg test I couldn't read (all in Japanese) and I POAS - got a row of funny star things in the window - had to ask the male interpreter to read the instructions and check the pee stick - and discovered we were 2 weeks pregnant.

That pregnancy is my now 3 yr old DS. So sorry to give you the whole long story - but I just wanted to let you know - it is possible to fall pg straight away, and for the pg to be successful. My OB even told us afterwards that trying while you still have pregnancy hormones in your system can help.

I hope whatever is right for you works out as you are wishing. To all the other ladies on this thread, I am so sorry for your losses. Be gentle to yourselves and know how much love and support is around you.

[foreva*your*mummy]

Thirdtimelucky Thankyou so much for sharing your story, it is really nice to hear. I will probably wait a complety cycle before trying but that has definatly given me hope. It is going to be very scary thinking all the time that it will happen again.
Congrats on your DS and what a journey you went through.

[Em_325]

Thankyou so much for sharing your story Thirdtime lucky it does help to read positive ttc after mc stories.

FYM- I am glad the physical pain has eased for you. Did you get into your Doctor? Make sure they do another scan to ensure it is complete. I am also terrified of it happening again so I understand your worries there. I am also upset with the fact that every future pg is going to be tainted now as I will be forever stressing that it is happening again. I just want to get pg then be put in a coma till im 12 weeks haha

I started spotting on the 20th of June and it gradually got heavier and heavier until I mc on the 7th of July and I am still bleeding now so it has been 4 weeks. Im over it I just want it to go away so I can have a cycle and start trying again.
I havent seen my Ob since last week but i am going to call him today as he was meant to call me on Tuesday with my blood test results and still hasnt!