That's so tough hon. I don't understand what you're going through but I definitely say go and buy yourself a few MCNs - ABSOLUTELY! Why not? I bought quite a few childrens books before we even started TTC and DH thought I was nuts. They weren't out on display for family or friends kids to play with, they were put away for 'our' children...when they decided to arrive on this earth.

I also bought all our nursery furniture and other bits and pieces straight after our 12 week scan. So many people thought I was nuts but I didn't listen, I enjoyed nesting.

You have every right to do a bit of nesting hon. I honesty think it will make you feel good. I'm also a big believer in the power of positive thinking so by bringing baby stuff into your lives is telling the universe you're ready. I also realise it's not that simple a lot of the time but hey, a bit of positive thinking can't hurt

PS: DH didn't really get excited or into the whole baby thing until we'd had our 12 week scan. They just don't understand how important babies are to a lot of us women not to mention how powerful the ticking of our biological clocks can be. Men really just don't get it a lot of the time