I couldn't read and not reply, please don't blame yourself.
UNfortunately these things occur and from what you may well see here on BB it's more common than we realise, it's a very sad part fo this forum but there is also lots of support for you.
Please don't blame yourself, have you got anyone you can open up to, do you have access to see a counsellor through your local doctor or something.
It may well help.

Massive