I need help... I am sorry this is such a mammoth "me" post but this is eating me up and I just need to get the whole story out.
My DH is refusing to acknowledge our miscarriage and it is killing me...
A bit of background. I am 30, my DH is 52. We started our first IVF in March, and got a BFP first round but unfortunately I miscarried at 5 weeks.
My DH refused to believe anything happened, and as such was telling our family & friends that nothing happened, that the IVF just didn't work. He even went as far as to tell his son that the embryo just disintegrated without implanting, which was totally untrue, and seeing that the whole IVF cycle he barely knew what was going on, I don't even know where he came up with this story (he is not a very educated man).
I need him to acknowledge what happened. I had done an early POAS and got a positive result at 3.5 weeks, and then the official BT at 4 weeks, and then a follow up BT the next week at which point they said there were problems and I was miscarrying and would probably begin to bleed in the next couple of days. Although I was only knowingly pregnant for a week and a half, and it was still only very early days, I wanted that baby so badly and was so happy to get a positive result that it was just crushing when it came to an end. I'm sure you know what I mean.
The next day, I began bleeding at about 3am and went out to him in the kitchen in tears(he usualy leaves for work around that time). He got angry and told me to shut up and go back to bed cause the last thing he needed at 3am on a work day was me "being hysterical over nothing". He would get angry at me every time I got upset and tell me I had no right to be upset because nothingwas there, nothing had really happened.
When I blew up at him about it his justification was that because it was not yet technically a foetus then nothing was really there. It hurts becasue for a week and a half I knew I was pregnant, I was happy and excited and looking forward to what may come and I need him to acknowledge my right to grieve and he refused. So I basically gave in and shut up about it, only cried when he wasn't around and pretty much dealt with the whole thing alone. None of our friends or his family ever came to see me or offered any support becasue they believed him that nothing happened, and now I find out I've been branded a liar by them over it. How could anyone lie about such a situation? It was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt, both physically and emotionally and I just couldn't fathom anyone wanting to feel that way under false pretences.
Being that he is older, DH has 2 adult sons, both of whom have partners. The younger son was one of the people he told that "nothing happened". I later explained the whole story to them, including that DH wasn't accepting it and was saying nothing happened, and thought it was all sorted. The older son wasn't speaking to us at the time, but when DH called him just out of courtesy to let him know what had happened, he got out the words "she had a miscarriage" but then the phone dropped out and he never called them back to clarify. Recently I found out that they instead tried to clarify it with the younger son, only to be told by them that I made up the whole thing and nothing had ever really happened. It just makes the whole situation worse, not only did I have to deal with it all on my own, but now everyone looks at me like some horrible creature that would make up such a story.
Finally when we got our current BFP and we got to the same point where I had miscarried, and he read the developmental milestones, and then the next week we had an ultrasound, he finally "admitted" that yes something had happened. And agreed that the people that he had told nothing had happened would be told the full truth. And I thought he had done this. Apparently he never did.
Now today he finds out that the younger son's partner is 6 weeks pregnant (also an IVF baby) and he says to me that he really hopes she makes it through cause it was bad enough when the IVF didn't work for us first go, but to be told she was pregnant and then lose her baby would be devastating and he would hate to see anyone have to go through that...
I don't know what to do, he's gone out and I have been crying for the last hour. I feel physically sick. I don't know what to do or say, I can't just let it go, he'll know I'm upset when he gets home and want to know why and when I tell him he will only blow up at me again.
If you've made it this far, thank you for being patient & reading my terribly long post, I just really had nowhere else to turn.
wow, i dont know what to say, it must have been so hard for you to deal with such a heart breaking situation all on you rown...and with people thinking you made it all up!! sorry for your loss!
I dont really know what you can do, hope you get some good advice by someone who maybe has been in a similar situation. Big hugs.
I can't respond well right now but I couldn't read your sadness and not reach out to you..
His behaviour is insensitive & it reminds me of the abuse I received from my ex husband. I am so sorry you have not been lovingly supported. You deserve to be.
Oh, big hugs for you . I am so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry that your loss was not acknowledged and that you weren't supported . It is so hard to go through heartbreaking times feeling completely alone .
I have absolutely no words of advice, but I just wanted to let you know that there are others who care .
Oh darl, thats awful Men find it difficult enough to understand miscarriage and the trauma that goes with it, without deliberately being stubborn about it!
If your DH now admits that it WAS a miscarriage, surely he wouldn't blow up at you now? If he does, personally I would blow up right back at him! You've gone through a hell of a lot to get where you are, the least he can do is keep himself informed and supportive. The fact that he's branded you at best a 'hysterical woman' is shameful, and I think he needs to understand just how deeply it has affected you.
Our husbands do thoughtless things sometimes, but we can make them understand what we're going through. Perhaps if you waited until you are not crying, and you have a clear head, and then initiated this conversation with him? Don't accuse him of anything, just explain how his actions and the results from his actions have made you feel - there's no way he can argue with that, because they are YOUR feelings. I know its hard to remain calm in a conversation like that, but I had to do the same thing with my DH, and it got him to finally understand how much extra damage he was causing.
I hope everything turns out alright between you and your DH, and I can't wait to see your BA!
I just thought of something else - perhaps he is reluctant to set the record straight because he doesn't want to lose face? Maybe you could suggest he tell people that he's been doing more research into foetal development because of your current bub, and he's realised that the baby was further along than he thought - that way he's letting people know that you're not how he portrayed you, but he also doesn't look nasty, KWIM?
One thought - does your FS/IVF clinic have a counselling service? If it does, maybe you could chat to them about ways to handle this situation? They might give you some good strategies, ways to broach the subject with DH etc.
Last edited by Leabie; November 17th, 2009 at 05:39 PM.
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BOC, that story just breaks my heart. You must be such a strong person to have gone through all of that! I've struggled with my DH not wanting me to tell anyone about our m/c and not being willing to talk about it with me, but at least he acknowledges it happened and is there for me with a hug when I'm upset. I think Leabie's suggestion of checking out if your clinic has a counselling service sounds like a great idea, especially if you can get him to go with you.
BOC I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this on your own, I would not have coped.
I can only hope that he is being more supportive now, and hope that you both spend a happy life toghether as a family X
Platinum Member. Love a friend xxx
Why won't he acknowledge it???
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You must be such a strong person to have gone through all of that! I've struggled with my DH not wanting me to tell anyone about our m/c and not being willing to talk about it with me, but at least he acknowledges it happened and is there for me with a hug when I'm upset. I think Leabie's suggestion of checking out if your clinic has a counselling service sounds like a great idea, especially if you can get him to go with you.
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