Emotionally draining is a understatement. I don't think anyone could of prepared me for this NICU experience.
My darling boy Jett arrived unexpectingly on Saturday 3/7/2010- due to in medical terms a 'placenta eruption' @ 33weeks + 5 days resorting in an emergency c/section.
He was straight away taken away from me I didnt even get to see his beautiful little face, i didnt even get to hear that first cry, all because those experiences became overshadowed by worry and other concerns. I felt Traumatized, Shocked, Guilty, Powerless and just longed to be with my baby- He was taken and put in a incubator, I wasnt able to go see him till the next morning. I was completely overwhelmed by the sight of this tiny little thing in an incubator. He had so many tubes coming out of him that I could barely see him, he was on a ventilator to help him breathe. I remember being wheeled in there by my mum and telling him sorry! sorry! sorry! I was sorry i had failed him, i didnt nuture him the way a mum was supposed to, i let the stress of his father get the better of me and now this poor little baby is the only one suffering. The closest thing to my baby was a quick hands over cuddle in his incubator, i couldnt pick him up and promise him everything was going to be ok!
sadly my milk hadnt come in yet, so i was unable to breastfeed- luckily thanks to some beautiful mummas out there my beautiful son was able to have a feed thanks to the mummys milk bank. My milk has only arrived today, not a whole lot but im trying. Trying anything i can to do something right for my baby. Although i am unable to pysically hold him and feed him i am content knowing he is feeding and progressing through a tube.
I dont really know why i wrote this i guess i just needed a place to write my feelings. I wont be writing a birth story simply because i feel it will bring back tramatic thoughts, i would rather try forget at this time being. Maybe when i am content and finished our NICU journey i will come back and recap what i went through giving birth to my beautiful son Jett Axel Storm
ETA: Im sorry if this is all over the joint, im tired and emotional.
Hun, usually these things are completely out of our hands! You didn't do anything wrong! Congratulations on the arrival of little Jett and I hope you have a heap of support around you hun!
You didn't fail him at all, you brought him safely to the world as best you could And I think it's fantastic that you were able to get him human milk rather than do the "easy" thing and stick him on formula - it might not be your milk, but it would have done him a great deal of good. I look forward to hearing all about him
Congratulations on the birth of Jett! (Beautiful name BTW)
As the others have said, you did not fail him at all. These things happen sometimes unfortunately, and we just have to do our best.
I don't really know what to say, bu I just want to offer you my support and comfort. You and Jett will be in my prayers. Hope he does well and is out of NICU and home with you and Oscar as soon as possible. You have been through so much and are such an amazing person. This is exprience too will make you stronger and a great mummy to your boys. Lots of hugs to you and your LOs.
Oh, and well done for expressing BM. That's wonderful. Do not hesistate to call the ABA or ask to see a lacation consultant if you have any questions or need support with this, as you are doing a fantastic thing.
It is certainly an emotional rollercoaster hun, my thoughts are with you and Jett at this precious time.
FWIW, you haven't failed him, and you still can reassure him everything will be ok. Soon you should be able to do the 'top to toe' washes, change the nappies etc. We had a wooky system where I had one and DD had one, I would wear it usually stuffed down my bra lol. At each visit I would swap the wookies over to help get used to each others scent.
Massive hugs for you, you're a brave & strong woman :-)
Please don't be sorry, that is what we are all here for
You have not failed your beautiful baby Jett, and you should not feel guilty. What matters most now is that you are gentle on yourself, look after yourself, and your little man, and we will all be here beside you sending you all the strength and positive vibes you need
Big hugs to you and 1 day short of 34 weeks is still really great both my really early bubs were only in hosp til 35.5/36 weeks gestation and my 35 weeker didn't at all so even though it seems bad now hw should pick up and be out of there in no time and when you look back it doesn't seem like that long though it does at the time
Oh wow. I didn't realise he was here already!
Congratulations hun. Please don't feel bad. He's a strong little boy & will be in your arms where he belongs very soon.
Take care of yourself, please xx
O&g you haven't failed Jett at all, I had a 34weeker by emergency c sect, so I understand about no seeing them straight away. Dd was whisked away and all my family got to see her straight away or next morning but I had to wait for 12 hours before I cracked it and demanded to be let out if bed. I still resent that, even though I know she needed to be in the humidicrib.
You should be able to do more of the day to day stuff for Jett, as pp have said, washes, nappies and taking temps etc. Well done on the bf, getting the milk after a Premmie c sect is hard work, thank god for the milk bank, it wasn't around for us,
We are all here for you if you need to let it out, it's a hard thing to go through. Maybe write a diary to let out all the emotions, getting it all out really helps
My 33week+5day baby Jett's NICU journey begins!!
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You dont have to be sorry for anything hun 
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