The fallout

[Michelle71]

Lee - they just hurt so much I feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing for the next decade. But I can't. DS and DD are both awake (DS had a late nap and DD woke up with the phone after a power nap length of being asleep ) so here I am. Alone. On my own. With the little ones still awake, no time or space for crying and letting it all out, no time for meditation to get me through this day, no space for visualisations to help process the grief and no DH.

Worse - the intense grief feeling and holding back the tears makes the BH contractions worse and that adds a new level of fear into the mix. I just wish it was all different. Tonight I feel a "why me" moment needing an outlet and I am so mad at Greg again for leaving me like this. I would love to be able to use a punching bag but that makes the BH worse too and I am too scared to physically release these feelings for fear of hurting something. I just want to not feel this way but I know I am going to feel like this for a very long time, and that makes me incredibly sad.

[beckoes]

i sit here, looking at my keyboard, not knowing what to write. nothing can make you feel better or take away your pain. I cant imagine. I saw your picture in the sydney paper weeks ago and when ever i think of you (which is quite often) that is the image i have in my head! Just hugs for you, i wish i could do more. you have some lovely ladies here with great words of support. xxxx

[Jennifer13]

Michelle. I have been thinking of you and the kids. Not only do you have your own grief, but you can't give yourself the space you need as you care for your children. Take care of yourself, hun.

[Roryrory]

Michelle I was taking to my mum last night about how she felt after dad died and it sounds like she went through exactly what you are right now. She hated him for leaving, felt resentful, unprepared, grief-sticken, and wanted to stop living but couldn't because of me. All I can say is that last night she didn't cry like it all happened yesterday - she spoke about that time as an observer, watching someone else, and was quite reflective and analytical. So it will pass. It will take along time, but eventually the pain fades. I know that doesn't help this minute, but please know it does get better.

[Willow]

Michelle - I can't say anything other than you and the children are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I wish for you every day that the pain is just a little better, that you get through this day just a little easier. I'm sorry yesterday was not a day like that.

Always here

[BekZ]

Michelle - You are all in my thoughts and prayers daily.

[Michelle71]

Intellectually, I know it will pass (but thank you for reassuring me with survivor stories - they really do help ) but physically and emotionally I hate this feeling.

I miss the restorative cuddles more than anything - just being held and told it will be ok. The receiving of touch from your partner is unique and I feel my cuddle bank is significantly depleted. Just to sit on his lap, head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat with strong arms holding me tight. Just to feel connected and safe. That connection is gone and I feel afloat and all alone. You get held by others but it is not the same. There are very few people in my life (despite being surrounded by loving support) who can give the type of physical contact I need without making me feel uncomfortable. It isn't sexual, it is healing and there aren't many who can fill you with that level of love to make you feel *healed*. It is hard to explain.

I wish it was different. I wish it was fast forwarded through this pain to the coping stage rather than this intensity.

10 weeks to go until meeting George is making it worse. Knowing I will need to be supported but not having that support from Greg. Not being sure if I will have that loving support during the breastfeeding challenges. Not knowing what I will want or need for the birth. It is all too hard to *train* someone else to my wishes. I will have to compromise my wants and needs and that is horrible to consider. Who do I trust if George needs to go away from me?? Who will encourage me to keep going when BF complications inevitably crop up without suggesting a FF alternative?? Who will understand why some things are so important to me??

It's just all too hard

[Michelle71]

33w pregnant. DS turning 3 next week but continuing to cry out for Daddy DD calling for Daddy this morning It all hurts so much and I just want it to not feel so raw. I want to enjoy this pregnancy now it will be my last and yet it is so hard to see the good when the bad is so overwhelming.

More firsts. More things he should be here for but isn't. The slow obliteration from our life that used to be. Piece by piece we are being taken apart and re-built again without him. Please just make it better for a minute. Just one.

[LionsandBears]

[PumpkinZulu]

My heart aches for you Michelle.

[anney]

[Junglemum]

[boomba]

[~Hestia~]

[MistyFying]

Michelle

[aussienic]

I have often read your posts and not known what to reply back so haven't said anything. I think all I can offer is a hug and let you know I think of you often. There is nothing I can say as I can't imagine what you are going through.

[Mother Goose]

I wish I could help you even a little. I can feel your pain through the screen. You are so brave and strong - even if you don't feel it.

[Amity]

Oh Michelle, honey, sending you the hugest hugs. Thinking of you.