Lee - they just hurt so much I feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing for the next decade. But I can't. DS and DD are both awake (DS had a late nap and DD woke up with the phone after a power nap length of being asleep ) so here I am. Alone. On my own. With the little ones still awake, no time or space for crying and letting it all out, no time for meditation to get me through this day, no space for visualisations to help process the grief and no DH.

Worse - the intense grief feeling and holding back the tears makes the BH contractions worse and that adds a new level of fear into the mix. I just wish it was all different. Tonight I feel a "why me" moment needing an outlet and I am so mad at Greg again for leaving me like this. I would love to be able to use a punching bag but that makes the BH worse too and I am too scared to physically release these feelings for fear of hurting something. I just want to not feel this way but I know I am going to feel like this for a very long time, and that makes me incredibly sad.