Spring - call anytime. I don't think you are stalking me just don't think I am ignoring you!!!!

Freya - I wish I could have helped. It is horrid to feel so bad

Hello everyone

Well, Mum and Dad went home today. Just for 2 weeks at this stage but they need to go home so Dad can heal from eye surgery without risking damage from lifting the kids!!! Sad but also necessary The bigger two are getting very used to them being here after three weeks and two of those in total care of Nanny and Poppa. I really appreciate the night time help - particularly at the moment but I also need to do some of this alone. My best friend will be here as support for the next 2 weeks and the nanny will be back on deck next week too.

But I miss Greg soooooo much He was so involved at this time (actually all the time which is harder) but there are no photos of him holding his newly born son, no Daddy cuddles for any of us. No husband to share the night load and hold you tight when it all looks too hard. And no time for me to cry about it properly. I gave birth without Greg, I dealt with a critically unwell baby and a week in NICU without Greg, and I brought that baby home without Greg. This was NEVER in the plans and I hurt so much and feel so ripped off. There is so much I need to let out. I need to be angry with some people (family) who I feel have let me down or not provided the level of support we needed and deserved. I need to be sad about what is missing from our world. I need so much but there won't be the space or the time for quite a while. My cousin (bless him) told me yesterday that he is giving me 3 years before it hits and I can deal with it properly.

But we will survive. We have to. He would expect no less from me.