While I am relieved I feel kind of numb and there are a multitude of emotions bubbling around trying to make their way to the surface. I am overwhelmingly relieved to be able to bring George home considering the start we had. It was nothing related to his early arrival. More a complicated prelabour that resulted in labour with a transverse lie, hindwater leak, 8cm dilated with bulging membranes, code red c-section and then potentially a placental abruption during a difficult and (in O&G terms) protracted extraction due to his position. He was a paediatric resus (not breathing), with a pH of 6.8 (translated - acute insult / lack of oxygen but very, very bad level), tube for breathing, seizure activity within 30 minutes of birth (medicated for that at that time) then cooled to 33.5 degrees to preserve his little brain for 72 hours. EEG initially was not looking good but improved and the MRI was ultimately grossly normal with a few potential issues related to the motor area of the brain. He improved quickly and at this moment looks perfectly normal except for his upper limb tone and strength which we will see a paed physio for ASAP. He has follow up with a developmental paediatrician in 4 weeks and then NICU follow up clinic at 4/6/9/12 months and again at 2 years. Other appointments will depend on him and how he goes.
The most critical thing at this stage is we are home. He attaches and coordinates suck / swallow very well (which is a very positive neurological sign) and he is appropriately interacting. He still has a few of the born early issues of not crying (yet) and needing to be woken for feeds but that will (should) improve with his age. His neurological status is out of my control and we just have to go with the flow.
Overall, the loss of Greg and the past 2 weeks have left me feeling exceptionally battered, bruised (physical and emotionally) and a little empty. I have nothing to give and that worries me a little. I know the emotions will come but I have had to hold it together for so long that I feel like letting anything loose is likely to result in an avalanche that may be out of control I am tired and flat and drained and really wishing I could just get a Greg cuddle. Just once. Just one of those where you can relax into the hold and just hang there until you feel soothed.
On the plus side - feeding is going well and we are tandem feeding too. Lily is ecstatic and George is a perfect feeder. Sooooo unlike the others. We were all in bed together last night too which was beautiful.
The trauma of the past (almost) 4 months also showed on the little ones last night. Lily has been looking at photos continuously and pointing out Daddy and had a melt down last night sobbing for Daddy and Mumma Oscar had the worst night and dreamt badly. He was having similar to his night terrors - screaming, kicking and hitting out. Crying for Mummy and sobbing for Daddy It was a tag team approach too Lily was unsettled and awake until after 12mn, Oscar nightmared around that time and then George had a tummy ache until 1am. It all settled and Lily almost slept through and George had a feed at 6.30am but Oscar was awake again at 4.30am. The sleep in was nice though - Oscar and I got up at 10am (thanks to my Dad!!)
BBL - I should stop rambling (which is reflective of the lack of order in my head) I will be around and reading. A big thank you for your ongoing messages of love and support. Without you I would be lost xxx
I am tired and flat and drained and really wishing I could just get a Greg cuddle. Just once. Just one of those where you can relax into the hold and just hang there until you feel soothed.
and George is a perfect feeder. Sooooo unlike the others. We were all in bed together last night too which was beautiful.
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