Can't deal with my 4yo anymore

[skeetaboat]

My DS1 does this kind of thing too: 'I want cheese. No, not that cheese, that one' and then when I get the other one; 'No NOT that one, THAT one' (pointing to the original cheese). 'No not cut like that' etc etc. When I realise that he is being difficult for the sake of it I say, nope, that's it, I'm not having this conversation anymore, you can have this peice of cheese that I already cut, or no cheese at all. If he doesn't take the cheese, I pack it all away in the fridge and walk away. He will usually have a meltdown and come running after me, crying for these cheese that got put away. I say firmly but calmly, 'I'll get these cheese back out (or whatever it is he wants) when you stop crying'. I'll repeat myself once, and then ignore him until he calms down. When he calms down I offer him the original piece of cheese and a cuddle. I will also usually stop whatever I'm doing at that point and spend some time with him (ONLY if he calms down, and NEVER before or he will think he can get attention by starting to be difficult) because I have found that the trigger for this kind of behaviour is usually that he's needing some attention and some one-on-one time or a quiet cuddle with mum at the end of a hectic day.

At first his meltdowns would go on and on, but now that he knows the drill - that he gets no cheese (or whatever he's on about) and no attention if he carries on, his being-difficult-on-purpose episodes are much fewer and they are also much quicker and easier to nip in the bud.

What do you think your daughter is trying to get or achieve? Is it possible to give her whatever that is? I mean, without waiting until you can give it as a reward for being good, just give it and see if that helps make her easier to live with. I don't mean give in to one of her demands at the time she's carrying on, because that would reinforce her negative behaviour; what I mean is, figure out what it is that is beneath her behaviour (eg you might figure out it's more one-on-one time with you) and give her some of that.

It sounds to me like she needs to feel like she has more control over some things. We're often scared as parents of letting our kids run the show, but when everything in your life is determined by someone/something else, it can be very frustrating for young children. I don't think it's a bad thing to let kids exercise some control over the day's proceedings, as long as they learn to ask for what they want in a socially acceptable manner (ie, not by kicking and screaming), and can accept that their requests won't always be met. I like the recommendation of around 1/3 of the day determined by the parent, 1/3 determined by the child, and the other 1/3 is negotiated. This way kids learn 4 things: 1. sometimes they don't have a choice & must do as their parents direct; 2. what they want is important and will be listened to if they ask in an appropriate way; 3. how to present a convincing argument for what they want when there is conflict (an important life skill) and 4, how to negotiate, win small concessions, and accept another person 's point of view (another important life skill). I do this with my son and now he's become: very co-operative and accepting that things don't always go his way (98% of the time lol); very good at asking for what he wants; and a skilled negotiator (I love watching him do this.. half the time I'm so I'm happy to give him what he's asked for because he's impressed me with his creativity and ability to think about what I would like in return for giving him what he wants).

If she sees that you're prepared to negotiate with her, but only when she does so in an appropriate way, she might start to be a) more pleasant in her approach, and b) more content in general and less demanding.

HTH.. sorry for such a long post or if it's not on the right track. Best of luck.