Christy's De-Brief..positive update

[christy]

Ok... We went to our appointment with the Triple P psychologist this morning. Before I went I wrote down a few things that were most upsetting to me and what led up to them & how we responded to them. When we got there, he had an assessment to do with us about what was going on, family histories, health issues etc. Then he started asking a few questions about Matilda's behaviour and that was about all. We were in with him for an hour & he had heaps of background info before I even went in, he had histories from infancy and sleep issues and reflux issues and things like that. He also had read everything & had an idea about where we were before we got there (I was shocked). Then he gave us some assesments to do over the next 10 days. Child behaviour assessments, parenting assessments, depression assessments and relationship assessments.

He started to read out the child behaviour one & DH started answering "always" to most of them & after around 8 he said "Just so you know, most parents don't answer always...its usually sometimes. If you are at a place where you answer always to most of the first questions you are in the right place now. You are not imagining your child's behaviour is extreme, you have tried all the techniques you would learn in a Triple P course that are in group settings." There were 25 questions on the assessment and the first 10 described Matilda to a T, others didn't fit which relieved us as well because as he said "one less thing you will have to work on, great." He was happy to have a copy of what was upsetting me most and he said this way when we came back he would have some plans ready for us & the main part of the next session was to observe Matilda, and introduce stressors that we know of like changing a nappy and leaving the door open & trying to get her to listen to us.

While we were there, Matilda was on her best behaviour. She played really well on her own, didn't destroy anything or try to escape at all. I think it helped we took her to the park for 30 minutes first to run & climb.

So we have homework of completeing the assessments, and to go out one night alone together, and to have Matilda fully checked at a GP to make sure something else isn't going on that could cause the behaviour. He does this as a standard because he has had parents come in with 4 year olds with severe hearing deficiencies and no one has caught them before, so he feels it is most important to work with our GP in this. Our GP is the one who told us to do the independant councilling through Triple P so he is aware of her behavioural issues, so hopefully we will get a handle on this.

He told us we have a wonderfully bright girl who is determined. She's not aggressive or destructive to others and she is smart. So it was nice to hear him say she's not bad at all, just strong.

[Lucy]

Oh Christy, that all sounds so encouraging and so proactive. Did you feel comfortable with the psychologist? It sounds like it.

He told us we have a wonderfully bright girl who is determined. She's not aggressive or destructive to others and she is smart. So it was nice to hear him say she's not bad at all, just strong.

That bit is great. I would love to meet Miss Matilda......she sounds like a star. And the psychologist is evidently perceptive enough to see that, which must be a huge relief for you.

[Rouge]

Thats fantastic news Christy, I'm so glad for you guys! Sounds like you have a good guy there, I hope it continues to go well.

*hugs*
Cailin

[Melinda]

Brilliant news Christy! I am so happy that this is all in the pipeline for you guys now!

And I second what Lucy said - it's obvious to all of us here what a spirited and spunky little girl Matilda is and it would be lovely to meet her!

[MistyFying]

Wow - he is really thorough, isn't he. It sounds like he is going to be helpful, which is excellent news.

[Trillian]

I can't agree more with the other girls Christy. I know this is probably not where you and Pete envisaged yourselves going, but it sounds like you have a great guy there and he seems to take a real interest in what he is doing and makes sure he is up to speed with everything. I really hope things start to move along and you start making some headway.

[christy]

** Just venting about the last few weeks*

Matilda hasn't been sleeping again. We are into our 4th week of her being awake for hours in the middle of the night, last night was a bit different because she only woke twice and was only awake for 1 hour total... so it was a nice night for us.

The thing is, it is wearing on me & my temperment. I find I am short and cranky in the afternoons and if she doesn't sleep well during the day, or enough (today she slept for an hour so I had just laid down after coming on BB for 20 minutes and eating lunch), then I am not able to cope through the afternoons. This is the second afternoon where I have locked myself in a room to be away from her to breath for a while.

Today we went to the shops looking for some summer shoes (easy enough except she doesn't have any pink summer clothes & all the shoes are pink! So I wound up with 1 pair of boys shoes and unhappy about it but over it for now). We went to target & Big W and payless which is inbetween the two big shops. So not a huge distance. But we spend 20 minutes at target which was a mess & found 2 pairs of shoes in Matilda's size but both were hot pink & I couldn't rationalise buying them. So we stopped in payless, once again all pink, we spent 5 minutes in there. Then Big W. At Big W she started getting cranky to which I offered snacks & biscuits to appease her. Then as we were queing up she got out of the pram & started screaming. I was okay until the lady behind me groaned & got out of the queue and complained to someone else. But I sucked it in with Matilda in the football hold under one arm, biting me and screaming while I dug through the bag to get the $$ out. Then we got out of the shop & I put her on the ground and made her sit down so I could put the bag away & try and get her harness out so she could walk instead of be in the pram. She started to run away, so I put her into time out. She then kept running away so I put the harness on her (while she was doing a crocodile death roll & screaming at this point). She was screaming "NO MONKEY!!! NO PRAM!!!" I gave her the option of sitting in the pram, or walking with the monkey. She wouldn't look at me in the face, so I just finally let her have her tantrum while I stood there holding the monkey tail and feeling awful. Finally I couldn't do it anymore, so I picked her up under my arm & marched over to the parents room where I put her on a chair, told her if she moved it was over (I had no idea what to say at that point) and proceeded to clean up the pram which she had smeared her snacks all over & made a huge mess) I organised all our stuff and then told her again that she could either sit in the pram or walk with the harness. She started screaming & throwing herself on the ground. So I walked over to the pram and pretended to be cleaning things out while crying. She didn't stop screaming, I didn't know what else to do... so I picked her up again (at this point my body was aching & struggling to carry her) and I carried her to the car limping and crying. She screamed the entire way home. I just don't know how to be a positive parent during these episodes. I am at the end of my reserve with being so tired and I just don't know how to do this gently. I want to give her a cuddle & talk about it but she has no interest once its over she's running around and singing as soon as we got home. I went to bed & cried.

ETA: we have our next session tomorrow (thank goodness!) and I will print this out to bring in to show him.

[Lucy]

Oh matey. What a tough time. Horrible. I have no solutions, only hugs. But I know what you mean when you say

I just don't know how to be a positive parent during these episodes

. All your intentions go out the window with tiredness and a toddler who won't/can't respond to anything.

My moments like this are few with Olivia but when it does happen I feel suicidal, so you have my love and sympathy and admiration for dealing with this all as you do. xx

[Rouge]

Thinking of you! I think you dealt with the situation very well. Goodluck tomorrow!

*hugs*
Cailin

[christy]

Well... I have to say I'm a bit dissappointed. I really wanted for the appointment to have all the answers for a quick fix LOL... okay well I wasn't that naive but I guess I was holding out for the appt. He was good again and starting some new strategies this week with some of what DH & I do which may be unintentionally rewarding some of what she does. I thought I was distracting, but it turns out if I do it too late it turns into a reward for her & I can see that atm. So... one new strategy this week. He has no answers for her sleep though. There have been minimal break throughs and as he said, "not as much as they would usually see in the two weeks" so his answer for it is either persist or do full-on CC or try one week on full on sedatives. *wah* not what I wanted to hear, especially since two weeks ago he said that CC wasn't the answer for Matilda.

So I'm a bit down today, she's in her room atm fighting sleep and I couldn't sit there. As long as she's not screaming I'm okay.

[Trillian]

Christy, I was wondering how you got on yesterday. How did the night pan out for you. it must be so hard trying to figure out when the time changes from when distraction goes from being a distraction to being a reward. remember though, you do what you have to do - it may not be the perfect solution, but you have to take what you can get.

[Fi]

Christy - I dont know what to say I have just read this post for the first time, and while I knew you had a handful, I didn't realise it was so serious in a physical way.
I just dont know what to suggest. I do know that Shane's middle son used to throw tanties and hold his breath. Ratbag. I think once he learnt it got such a great reaction from mum and dad he continues to do it.
I think your spray bottle is a great idea - if it works on cats/dogs!
I have no idea whether you do or not, but does Matilda spend any time in daycare? I'm even thinking if you popped her in for 1 day a week for some "you" time. Specially since you are probably feeling physically more tired with the next baby on its way.
Not sure if this is feasible, so I hope I haven't suggested sometime completely impractical.
You are a good mum - and you have a good girl. Its just maybe hard to remember that when you are in a major tantrum place.

[christy]

Thanks Fi

We have Matilda in day care Mondays & Tuesdays because I work Mondays (not for long now... just a few hours atm) and Tuesdays I do some work at a high school close by. So soon those will stop & Matilda will stay in day care because she loves it & gets really upset if she can't go. So for the next few weeks we've actually booked her in for one extra morning. Its family day care, we are just lucky there is space & time for her on that day.

[Fi]

Good to hear that you can start using her daycare time for you to relax. It must all help

[christy]

LOL Every little bit helps I just have to say we've had a few really good days in a row. There have been minor tantrums but nothing too bad & heaps more laughter. I think because we've had better sleep for 3 nights now we are enjoying our time together more.

[christy]

***UPDATE***

Well... I have to say in the past fortnight we have had 1 massive extreme tantrum. Now read back & see what it was like when I started this thread. I may even go a full day atm without a tantrum.

What's happened?? We have worked really hard at being the best parents for Matilda. We have been super consistent & gotten heaps of help from here & from the Triple P consultant. I think we couldn't have done this without all the help we have received.

As we knew (but didn't want to deal with) our little sausage is intellegent and loves routine. So we realised that routine is the best thing for her.

Also that she is starting to negotiate. So we use that to our advantage, she can get a lolly now if she stays in the trolley seat until after we pay & then she gets the lolly with just enough time to get to the car & unpack If she tries to negotiate at bed time, I don't negotiate with terrorists

We haven't had any self harm for a month. The extreme tantrum we did have was out in public when she decided that she was going to swim in the Brisbane River... dive off a 100m platform into the water because the lagoon at South Bank wasn't good enough. So we HAD to hold her back, which resulted in a massive tantrum as she was getting tired. We lived. She lived most importantly. We all recovered unharmed.

Sleep times can still be a battle, but I think because we have the confidence throughout the days & we aren't fighting battles all day long we are okay. I can sit here on the computer & type this out without worrying that she is out there hurting herself (I can hear her playing with playdough...and singing songs along to her wiggles cd). What a difference. A few months ago I couldn't leave her alone in any room without fear of her doing something to hurt herself or dangerous... she doesn't even try to get into the oven anymore. (Well okay, I did put a lock on it ).

WOW... I am actually starting to enjoy our time together more and more and can't wait to see how this spirited princess grows up.

[Trillian]

Awww Christy, you sound so much more at peace with it all and the way Matilda is in personality. Somedays you may think that you haven't achieved much, especially when things get to boiling point - but jsut lok at how you've put all this down and now you can see the differences in her. Plus, she is getting older and is starting to understand you reasoning with her too.

I am so glad that you have reached this place with her Christy.

[MistyFying]

That's fantastic Christy. And the progress has happened so quickly, too. She's going to be the best big sister!