I had a really sad experience tonight.... I was having a bath with my baby, this has been a big thing for me as i'd found it hard to bond with him due to the PND, so was happy that i felt comfortable enough to have that amount of physical contact. But then i realised something..... He seemed to have no recognition of my boobs as a past source of comfort and food. He grabs everything at the moment, and so he did that, but did not try to suckle or go for them as he used to at all. And it made me realise, that i'm not sure when that stopped, but it has, and this made me incredibly sad. I used to feel annoyance when i was weaning and he would turn his head in to my chest opening his mouth to feed, yet now that he has forgotten it, i feel really hurt. It's only been a month, i still have milk, and i have to admit i think about re-lactating sometimes. But to be practical it doesn't make sense, he's doing so well on formula, we have a consistency that revolves around bottles and dare i say routine almost. Life, in that sense is so much easier, and i'm almost scared to tempt fate and return to the total chaos that was our breastfeeding journey. It honestly wasn't pleasant... so why am i clinging to it?? i guess because i want to have with him what i had with my first son, the actual pleasure of breastfeeding and that special connection. While formula feeding has allowed me to bond with him in ways i couldn't while breastfeeding (and the PND), i still wish we could have had that. And unfortunately i still question myself daily, could i have tried harder? did i do the right thing? will he really be as smart as he could have been? etc. I brought it up with my hubby, and being male, he simply explained the baby's lack of interest as having forgotten and moved on.... he meant well but that just hurt even more. I still breastfed him for over 6 months despite the mastitis, despite the lack of support, despite the PND, despite the pain, how can he just forget?? I know its silly and i'm not sure why i'm writing this... relactating isn't really feasible.... I'm just sad i guess, i thought i was becoming okay with having weaned, but i guess not.

For those who felt they weaned before their time, do you ever reach a point where you're at peace with it?