Sad

[Gigi]

i have not gone thru your path MummaB, we have not weaned yet, so i can only imagine what you are going thru.

it must hurt like hell, sounds like you made all those sacrifices to feed for the time you did, and now, i dunno, you're disappointed that your child doesn't still have the association of your breasts and the goodness he used to get from them.

that makes sense to me.

i've had bonding and PND issues since day one, and there are some things that just get "under my skin" about my DD too. and thigns i tie myself up in knots about.

e.g if only i had worn my bub in a sling, maybe we would have bonded properly

was her reluctance to smile for such a long time, due to the violent nature of her arrival (my uterus had this freak thing happen to it during delivery).

will i always be punished for having a emerg C, instead of the planned home waterbirth i worked towards.(my DD doesn't like to hug).

it's so hard not to let these thoughts consume my thinking.

i tell you these things, not to take over your thread, but to share with you, that in the depths of PND, it's easy to sucked into the vortex of negative thoughts.

i bet you would have reassuring things to say to me, about my worries. Apply that to yourself too.

i am not quite sure how, right now, but one day, you and i will work out beautiful ways of bonding with our children. And gradually, our grief, about not doing things wiht our babies, to the same idea as was in our ideals (slinging for me, long term bf-ing for you), will abate.

i personally think, any breastfeeding your child received from you, is a special gift. whether it was five minutes, five days, or five months.

and it's damm hard to keep going when mastitis et al strikes. but you did. so take a bow darling, cos you have already given SO MUCH to your DS. You might not get the acknowledgement of that FROM HIM, but i don't think many things we do for our kids, will get acknowledged by them. it will show up in other, less direct ways.

mothering is a thankless task, maybe that's the lesson.

other stuff we do in life, you get recognition, acceptance, praise.

SO MUCH of what you do as a mum, no=one else knows about, or no-one else sees, it's a selfless gift.

but we are human, we need recognition etc like everyone else. i think we need other ways to find it , is all.

i have found it hard to reconcile, how i could go thru such a traumatic event with my child (her arrival) and to think, she will have no memory of it, no understanding due to her age. i know it shouldn't, but it tears me up to think about it.

normally going thru something together, bonds you.

So in my own rambly confused way, i relate to you, and wish you all the best MummaB. PND is the pits.

[Trillian]

Awwww hun FWIW, I don't think he doesn't try to suckle/nuzzle you like he used to, not because he has forgotten, but because he is happy and well adjusted enough now to to just not need to do it now kwim? I can imagine how hard it is for you, because you've tried so damn hard to make sure you are doing what's best for him, often at a cost to yourself, and when he's older that's what he's going to love you so much for. And even if you tell him at any stage that you had to wean him early, not because you wanted to, but because you had to, he's not going to begrudge you that because in you doing so, you've given him a Mummy that is able to fully look after his needs because hers are back on track. I really don't think that having to wean him earlier is going to affect his intelligence because In my personal opinion only, the method of infant feeding plays such a small part to overall intelligence kwim?

[MantaRay]

I had that same sadness after each of my boys weaned as I wasn't ready either time. I have found some peace with it now hun, and I hope you do too.

[~clover~]

I've never stopped wishing I fed my girls longer than the few weeks I did, but I try not to let myself feel guilty. When I do I remind myself of the reasons we stopped.
I do admit that a huge reason I'm still BFing DS is to make up for it, but its also for me & DS. I am enjoying it now. I didn't then.
You did amazingly well to get to 6 months
You will feel better soon.

[Bathsheba]

Like Manta I can relate... there was a time when my youngest and I (when he was 10 months old) were going through a rough patch and I was being pressured to wean (by a GP and my own mother) and I went through a similar grieving process. Now, he is 2.5yo and even though we kept BFing regularly until recently I still mourn the finality... because he IS my last child. Unlike your DS my son hasn't forgotten and he still latches on for a comfort suck (and falls to sleep 5 minutes later most of the time)... but if he kinda ignored my breasts in that bath scenario I too would be sad. STILL I do feel almost at peace with final weaning. I have semi-grieved for so long now that I think my brain is just over it... like it is all grieved out IYKWIM. So, in answer to your question... yes, i think you will move on... maybe like me you will get so involved in all their new stages and phases that the whole BFing issue will have no option than to fade further and further into the background... and you'll be ok with that.

[butterfly_warrior]

MummaB, I just want to offer some hugs and let you know that I can relate...

I quit breastfeeding when Samuel was only 2 weeks old. I could see it rapidly leading me down the path to PND because I had dreadfully low supply and he couldn't attach/suck properly. There was a great sense of relief when I made the decision to just fully formula feed...

But now, a couple of months down the track it saddens me that Sam just sees my breasts as a soft place to rest his head and something soft to squish his hands into... I sometimes think of relactating, but the arthritis medication I have to take now makes it impossible.

No advice, just lots of empathy and the knowledge that you are not alone, I guess.

BW

[Matryoshka]

Thats the thing, i don't know what i want... its hard to think clearly through the PND haze. But i know this, before i was giving him a bottle and i wished i was breastfeeding him, i also started to leak milk so the thought must have triggered something.

This is silly, but i offered him the nipple (again in the bath) to see what he would do and he had no idea what to do with it, he tried to bit me first, then pushed it away and screwed up his face. I felt a sense of panic, i guess because a tiny part of me thought, that if i felt better after going to the MBU and then starting therapy, making changes at home, more support etc - i thought i could re-lactate if i wanted to. And it saddens me so much that he's not only lost the interest, but probably the sucking reflex now.

I guess its a bit selfish of me to think of relactating when he's doing so well as he is, do you think it would throw everything out of balance and be confusing for him?? And is there any point considering he's 7.5 months, would there still be a great health benefit?

Its just that i breastfed my toddler for over 2.5 years, and i so wish my baby could have the same.