Sad

[Matryoshka]

I had a really sad experience tonight.... I was having a bath with my baby, this has been a big thing for me as i'd found it hard to bond with him due to the PND, so was happy that i felt comfortable enough to have that amount of physical contact. But then i realised something..... He seemed to have no recognition of my boobs as a past source of comfort and food. He grabs everything at the moment, and so he did that, but did not try to suckle or go for them as he used to at all. And it made me realise, that i'm not sure when that stopped, but it has, and this made me incredibly sad. I used to feel annoyance when i was weaning and he would turn his head in to my chest opening his mouth to feed, yet now that he has forgotten it, i feel really hurt. It's only been a month, i still have milk, and i have to admit i think about re-lactating sometimes. But to be practical it doesn't make sense, he's doing so well on formula, we have a consistency that revolves around bottles and dare i say routine almost. Life, in that sense is so much easier, and i'm almost scared to tempt fate and return to the total chaos that was our breastfeeding journey. It honestly wasn't pleasant... so why am i clinging to it?? i guess because i want to have with him what i had with my first son, the actual pleasure of breastfeeding and that special connection. While formula feeding has allowed me to bond with him in ways i couldn't while breastfeeding (and the PND), i still wish we could have had that. And unfortunately i still question myself daily, could i have tried harder? did i do the right thing? will he really be as smart as he could have been? etc. I brought it up with my hubby, and being male, he simply explained the baby's lack of interest as having forgotten and moved on.... he meant well but that just hurt even more. I still breastfed him for over 6 months despite the mastitis, despite the lack of support, despite the PND, despite the pain, how can he just forget?? I know its silly and i'm not sure why i'm writing this... relactating isn't really feasible.... I'm just sad i guess, i thought i was becoming okay with having weaned, but i guess not.

For those who felt they weaned before their time, do you ever reach a point where you're at peace with it?

[~Saram~]

It's sad when they wean, my DD is heading down that road right now. When my DS weaned it was hard to see him just forget about it and not think about it again but that is kids and that is there beautiful resilence to life and it is joyous to witnese. He hasn't forgotten all the nourishment and special times you spent he just enjoys the other things you do together.

Relactating, is this something you really want to do? If you still have milk, is there any reason you can't BF some of the time, maybe just when you are bonding in the bath or something?

[Gigi]

i have not gone thru your path MummaB, we have not weaned yet, so i can only imagine what you are going thru.

it must hurt like hell, sounds like you made all those sacrifices to feed for the time you did, and now, i dunno, you're disappointed that your child doesn't still have the association of your breasts and the goodness he used to get from them.

that makes sense to me.

i've had bonding and PND issues since day one, and there are some things that just get "under my skin" about my DD too. and thigns i tie myself up in knots about.

e.g if only i had worn my bub in a sling, maybe we would have bonded properly

was her reluctance to smile for such a long time, due to the violent nature of her arrival (my uterus had this freak thing happen to it during delivery).

will i always be punished for having a emerg C, instead of the planned home waterbirth i worked towards.(my DD doesn't like to hug).

it's so hard not to let these thoughts consume my thinking.

i tell you these things, not to take over your thread, but to share with you, that in the depths of PND, it's easy to sucked into the vortex of negative thoughts.

i bet you would have reassuring things to say to me, about my worries. Apply that to yourself too.

i am not quite sure how, right now, but one day, you and i will work out beautiful ways of bonding with our children. And gradually, our grief, about not doing things wiht our babies, to the same idea as was in our ideals (slinging for me, long term bf-ing for you), will abate.

i personally think, any breastfeeding your child received from you, is a special gift. whether it was five minutes, five days, or five months.

and it's damm hard to keep going when mastitis et al strikes. but you did. so take a bow darling, cos you have already given SO MUCH to your DS. You might not get the acknowledgement of that FROM HIM, but i don't think many things we do for our kids, will get acknowledged by them. it will show up in other, less direct ways.

mothering is a thankless task, maybe that's the lesson.

other stuff we do in life, you get recognition, acceptance, praise.

SO MUCH of what you do as a mum, no=one else knows about, or no-one else sees, it's a selfless gift.

but we are human, we need recognition etc like everyone else. i think we need other ways to find it , is all.

i have found it hard to reconcile, how i could go thru such a traumatic event with my child (her arrival) and to think, she will have no memory of it, no understanding due to her age. i know it shouldn't, but it tears me up to think about it.

normally going thru something together, bonds you.

So in my own rambly confused way, i relate to you, and wish you all the best MummaB. PND is the pits.

[Trillian]

Awwww hun FWIW, I don't think he doesn't try to suckle/nuzzle you like he used to, not because he has forgotten, but because he is happy and well adjusted enough now to to just not need to do it now kwim? I can imagine how hard it is for you, because you've tried so damn hard to make sure you are doing what's best for him, often at a cost to yourself, and when he's older that's what he's going to love you so much for. And even if you tell him at any stage that you had to wean him early, not because you wanted to, but because you had to, he's not going to begrudge you that because in you doing so, you've given him a Mummy that is able to fully look after his needs because hers are back on track. I really don't think that having to wean him earlier is going to affect his intelligence because In my personal opinion only, the method of infant feeding plays such a small part to overall intelligence kwim?

[MantaRay]

I had that same sadness after each of my boys weaned as I wasn't ready either time. I have found some peace with it now hun, and I hope you do too.

[~clover~]

I've never stopped wishing I fed my girls longer than the few weeks I did, but I try not to let myself feel guilty. When I do I remind myself of the reasons we stopped.
I do admit that a huge reason I'm still BFing DS is to make up for it, but its also for me & DS. I am enjoying it now. I didn't then.
You did amazingly well to get to 6 months
You will feel better soon.