the good thing is that you know it wasn't right & you're not happy that you did it. i agree with audax that maybe she's reaching out to you - not in the way you might hope, but she's trying to capture your attention.
techniques to help you work through anger & calm down would be good (i think i need them too!), and maybe some time out for you as well - you're with the kids all day, every day & i never see you getting time for yourself/a rest. i think you need some time to spend on being you, rather than being mum (i know that's easier said than done but i truly believe you are sooo worth it)
Hey nerd, I've felt this way at times too. I've never hit my kids, but I'll admit there have been times I've come close. A few months back I went through a particularly bad period and there was one day DS got me riled up and I envisaged myself backhanding him across the room. Not cool. I do yell when angry though, and that's also not good and something I'm working on.
A few ideas (if you want them - and PET is a great one to look into too)
I have a few triggers - I dont mean stuff hte kids do etc, but things within me that affect my ability to cope. Tiredness - think you probably can give a big tick for that one. Coffee - there's some chemical in it that affects adrenal function. I definitely notice a correlation between coffee and uncontrolled anger. Another one is lack of me time - we all need to unwind and get some recharge time. Very hard with a baby though - I'm already planning some me stuff for when DD is a bit older.
Next is moderating my reaction. Deep breath, count to 10 - it's an oldie and a goodie. I try to force myself to keep my voice down - whispering even.
And afterwards... because I'm human and I frack up still. I always apologise. If DS has done something wrong, then we can talk about that. But if I've done something wrong, then I need to acknowledge that and say sorry. That's what I want him to be able to do ultimately, you know? So I figure, even if I can't beahve well in teh first instance, at least I can set some sort of decent example.
Sorry about your book. Were you able to repair it?
the good thing is that you know it wasn't right & you're not happy that you did it. i agree with audax that maybe she's reaching out to you - not in the way you might hope, but she's trying to capture your attention.
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