Mummy Guilt Culture - Protecting or Patronising

[Lenny]

Yep. I would rather know the facts. Sometimes they suck and they hurt because i wish i had known sooner. Sometimes i kinda knew but chose to do it anyway. I might feel defensive and put my hackles up but I need to deal with it myself and not be pussy-footed around.

[nothing2lose]

Honestly, it's not just parenting choices that people raise their hackles over.

My experience is people often don't want to hear the truth if it is uncomfortable for them, or contradicts their pre-conceived ideas or emotional/physical needs/wants or life choices.

[Trillian]

I don't think it's helpful to tell someone the 'facts' when they are already having problems or after they have found a 'solution' to their problems because they are struggling enough as it is and being told the facts at that point is not in any way helpful at all. What I think SHOULD happen is making sure that they get told the facts long before problems happen, ie, while they are still pregnant. If they already KNOW the facts, then they have the opportunity to make more informed decisions and this is where the ball is being dropped time and time again. I see women on forums and IRL who obsess more over the colour of their bugaboo or the nursery during their pregnancies than they do about making a breastfeeding relationship work. It's something that is taken for granted as 'oh yeah, I'll try but if I have problems I'll just use formula' because the perception is still out that that it is OK and will not cause any adverse effects. And for the most part it doens't, but who wants to be in the percentage of people where it has been the worst thing they have ever done? But FFS! we even worry more about the type of cot bedding we use as a prevention of sids than we worry about feeding being a factor!

ETA - and if you have to sugar coat something to 'protect' someones feelings, then you're already too bloody late! As it stands we only pay lip service to the issue. You never see on a Kids and Sids ad on TV about how important it is to breastfeed to reduce the rate of SIDS, nooooo, just the stand lines about smoking and bedding. So it's often a case of protecting those who are already going through it (meaning using formula) and patronising those who haven't (the still pregnant).

[onthefly]

Yes, that's true Trill. If parents are already committed to formula feeding then this isn't 'helpful' information right now... but it might be for later, or when they're talking with other parents.

And Trav - absolutely! Health carers should know all the facts. That is terrible. They need to know this and work harder to support mothers and infants.


And it's not just breastfeeding & SIDs - that's just the example in this instance. It's a whole range of things - and there's this particular emphasis on not making mothers feel guilty as a rationale for not sharing information. Are we mothers so precious we need special protection from facts?

With both my babies I was pushed toward an induction. First time I caved, 2nd I didn't. Both times (different OBs) I was told of the risks of waiting - STILLBIRTH - but never the risks of the induction. The very real risks to me and my baby. The still not fully understood long-term effects of these drugs on the unborn baby....

The idea that there are agendas at work worries me too. Who is controlling the information and why? Is it really about protecting people... or protecting industries? Now I sound like a mad conspiracy theorist.

I agree with Lenny - sometimes it hurts to hear I might be wrong. I don't like that feeling at all. But I need to hear it if that's the truth. I think it's pretty human to dislike feeling that our beliefs are being challenged, as N2L says.

My current favourite quote:
Most people would rather die than think: many do. Bertrand Russell

[Gigi]

information is power

but despite the internet, increased education for women (i'm talking historically here), it is STILL very hard to find out accurate, current UNBIASED information. You ask ten sources, you get ten different answers. Everyone has their own bias.

i keep thinking of the phrase "the personal is political".
SO many decisions we make, including how to birth and parent, become controversial, if we are not doing what the majority of the population, seem to be doing.

i assumed medical and child nurse people would know stacks about breastfeeding, and that was my initial point, when seeking help. Eventually i realised, that was the last place, i was going to get info re breastfeeding. Sad isn't it? I had medical people telling me i was doing the wrong thing for my child, by bf-ing a 19month old. That i should have weaned her at three months old! Why? because that's what their hospital (sleep school) protocols said. SO much misinformation out there.

[AnalyticalArmadillo]

information is power

but despite the internet, increased education for women (i'm talking historically here), it is STILL very hard to find out accurate, current UNBIASED information. You ask ten sources, you get ten different answers. Everyone has their own bias.

Hope I'm OK to reply to this (thanks for the link to my blog by the way )
You're definitely right about accurate unbiased information, and the different answers.
I find it helps to try and logically find the biological norm ie we know human infants are built to receive human milk - therefore we need evidence that the alternative is safe and doesn't increase risks, rather than trying to prove breastmilk is "better". Imagine if someone invented artificial blood next year - would we want research showing real blood was better?

The same goes for a lot of things baby related I find eg controlled crying - pretty sure cavewoman without a clock nor any pressure from social norms, who would have fed LOTS at night due to dangers during the day, wouldn't have practised sleep training. Therefore we need extensive, solid evidence this isn't going to cause longer term psychological damage.

I'm just blogging at the moment about how science flips language, how the media mis report studies and how in turn this makes it very difficult to unpick the facts.

AA

[Rowellen]

Patronising. And breeding ignorance.

Agree. I had no idea that FF increased the risk of SIDS so I totally agree. How can I make an informed decision based on wrong information? I can remember looking at the SIDS website when DS was born to make sure I was doing the right thing. Even though I did BF him, I'm annoyed that I might have made a different decision based on incomplete info.

My current favourite quote:
Most people would rather die than think: many do. Bertrand Russell

Love it I might have to steal that one

So I'm all for giving people all the information and letting them decide for themselves.

Agree. As per above.

The same goes for a lot of things baby related I find eg controlled crying - pretty sure cavewoman without a clock nor any pressure from social norms, who would have fed LOTS at night due to dangers during the day, wouldn't have practised sleep training. Therefore we need extensive, solid evidence this isn't going to cause longer term psychological damage.

I have never thought about raising babies in terms of how a cavewoman would have done it. That's strange since I often think about other aspects of life in this way especially in regards to diet, exercise & entertainment. I will be incorporating this into my thinking more often now.

Redrobinridinghood - I share your cynical view. Money makes everything different. The cavemen didn't have money.

[fionas]

Though I have to say that it perplexes me when people say that BFing is in the minority and they are surrounded by people at their mothers groups who don't BF or wean early.

That's absolutely NOT my experience in my sociodemographic. It's the norm to breasfeed - the message IS getting through to my peers. Ten out of ten of the mums in my mothers group tried to BF. Two of us 'gave up' early because of hideous problems and lack of support. The remaining eight breastfed for much longer than six months, I think all breasfed for over a year. So I don't know if giving this message will make much difference. I think this type of message will be preaching to the converted - but that's not to say that it shouldn't be added to the mix.

[Astrid]

I have thought this for ages.

A number of years ago it came up that there is a an increase in the rates of depression amongst those born via c-section. There was such a hoo haa about it, a lot of defensiveness and plenty of the "oh, but my child etc" examples. I was one of the few that thought "great, I need to know that info" Why? Even though I had no choice of the c-section, it is handy for me, as someone who suffers from depression, to know that my children will have an increased risk. I don't see it as something to beat myself up over, but something to arm myself for the future.

We can choose how we take on that information. Even though we cannot change the past, it can help us with the future.

[fionas]

Yes, of course, people need to know that and to not publicise that information IS patronising.

I struggled to BF both my girls. DD1 was fed expressed breast milk for the first two months, for DD2 I relactated and she had a mixture of breast and formula from the age of nine weeks to five months.

Personally, I also found the misinformation that if you give bottles you will never get them back to breast incredibly damaging. It guaranteed that I didn't even try to get DD1 back on to the breast after having no luck in the first two weeks. It also meant for DD2 I let my milk dry as I also couldn't attach her but tried again at about seven weeks and hey presto ... but I had to relactate.

It's like LCs think that if they give you the green light to give a bottle you will stop trying breast altogether because you'll find it easier, it's like they don't trust your willpower and treat you like a little kid. Makes me so cross.

So I'm all for giving people all the information and letting them decide for themselves.

[chody47]

I wish I had have known this when I was breastfeeding. My husband had a massive accident when DD was just 9 weeks old and, with all the stress, I gradually started weaning at 4 months until, by 6 months she was completely formula fed. If I had have known this info I may have tried harder to keep up with the BF. It is easier to say in retrospect though. I would have at least liked the info so that I could have made more of an informed decision.

[Loveinamist]

I am very cynical but have you noticed the things that get sugarcoated or tip toed, around usually have a product or service that can be sold attached? Lobby groups anyone?? Breastfeeding - bottles and formula, Csections and inductions - drugs and anaesthetics, surgeon's fees etc. There is money to be made from neglecting to give full information to mothers.

[Lenny]

I wish I had have known this when I was breastfeeding. My husband had a massive accident when DD was just 9 weeks old and, with all the stress, I gradually started weaning at 4 months until, by 6 months she was completely formula fed. If I had have known this info I may have tried harder to keep up with the BF. It is easier to say in retrospect though. I would have at least liked the info so that I could have made more of an informed decision.

I also know about having serious upheaval in the very early weeks of a being a new mum. I'm sorry you had to go through it. The thing is even if you had known this information, you may well have still weaned - and that would have still been ok, because you would have done what was, at the time, necessary for you and your family. But for some reason you were deemed to fragile and precious to be given the truth - and allowed to make your own mind up. That's not right! You (and me, and everyone else) should be told more, allowed to be educated about these things, and then left to decide on our own. We are, after all, the ones who have to live with and possibly repeatedly justify, our decision to.

I hope you don't mind me using you as my example ()

And it's not just breastfeeding, but many other aspects of our lives. I was fascinated to learn about the new information regarding 'The first nine months" - how a person's live can be irrevocably shaped during pregnancy. It's great to know this stuff. Would it have changed the way i behaved while i was pregnant? Probably. Bring on knowledge and education. Then let us decide for ourselves.