Both children sound asleep by 8pm. Calm, happy and settled. DD woke up this morning and was awarded her stickers, one for each hand. She was happy, rested and her usual adorable self. Not like the past few weeks when she stumbles out of bed and tells me to 'shup up' when I say good morning. She woke once and climbed in with me, not a problem at all.
In the last few months I've cast a net far and wide for help with this. I knew Dp's behaviour was the problem but I ended up so run down I couldn't see what to do. I'm not passing the buck here - this is the kind of stuff I've been facing.
He says 'righto kids, get ready and we'll go for a walk'. The he literally takes 90 mins to get out the door. He checks the PC, changes his clothes, gets something to eat, takes a phone call, checks the pc etc etc etc, whilst the children are waiting for him.
I have pleaded with him to at least stay inside from between 5 and 7 pm and help with the nighttime routine. I have it down pat and so do the kids, but again. He will mess about in the garden, feed the dogs, hang out washing and take at least 5 phone calls. 3 of these will be from his stupid mother who cannot understand the concept calling a little later. Meanwhile the kids will be waiting for their story, jumping all over the place etc.
So I hiss at him to get his act together, so he takes DS to bed and tells him a story that lasts 45 minutes. He talks loudly, waking DD who wants in on the action - and it goes on and on and ON. When he is here they want daddy to do the story.
No matter how many fricken times we talk about it, he 'forgets' 2 minutes later.
Oh and he never, EVER shuts up. He and his family are the most negative (and uninformed) people I have ever come across so you could imagine the drivel that comes out of his mouth.
Being in tears of frustration I thought to myself - this guy is fricken BRAIN DAMAGED. Nothing he does makes any sense to me, HTF did I think this BOZO would be a decent parent? Hhhmmmmm, brain damage.....he has been in 2 massive car accidents in the past and lived a 'colourful' life....hhhmmmm.
I'm pretty sure he is a classic case of adult ADD actually. And I don't get a rats, he can deal with it. Wether he is unable to see the effect he has on everyone around him or not, I don't give a rats. Not my problem. I'm dealing with this, he will not be able to come over during the week at all. Life is calm and as it should be when he is not here. I feel like a new person, I'm confident in my parenting and we have been having a great time over the last few days. I still hit the roof if someone makes a noise, but hopeful that will improve now.
In a half-assed defense for him, I need to say he simply adores his children. He spends huge amounts of time taking them on adventures showing the things, he often tells me how grateful he is to me for carrying them for him. He thinks I'm a birthing champion and tells everyone. He paced the floor with the babies for hours on end as I slept. Sometimes he is actually funny and he does have a bagful of the most hilarious true stories from his years as a norty boy.
Ahhhh Lulu, sounds like your Dp and mine might have been separated at birth. I know only too well the loudness and the inability to get in/out the door remotely on schedule.
But DP is much better at listening these days. I don't know what else you can do to get through to yours so totally understand banning him for a while. Best of luck!
Fi - I think our houses were built about the same time too . I'm glad your DH can learn to listen....
For ages I thought I just wasn't used to co-parenting. Its a new concept to me! I'm used to running the show totally and not having to consider anyone else.....oh I dunno.
Sounds like he's a decent 'parent' as long as someone else takes on the responsibility and duties of being a parent and he's allowed to do the fun stuff.
Sounds more like an uncle than a parent to me, but at least in that kind of a role his kids will know him and he can have a positive impact on their lives. Sucks for you, but at least you KNOW how to do this parenting thing on your own. Just sucks, that's all.
PS At least you don't have to parent him when he's not around now...
There you go Jen - hitting the nail on the head again! He just wants to be King of the Kids....
But then again, he does try to discipline them. Which is much harder for him because they can never really tell if he is joking or not. Then he gets angry because they don't take him seriously. His 'discipline and guidance' mean BELLOWING at them and lecturing them. He talks over the top of DS constantly, then gets angry when DS throws himself to the floor in frustration.
Again, the noise level when he is here .
The other day I asked him to see what would happen if he lowered his voice and took a kinder tone when talking to DS.
DS sat back, looked at him and asked "are you being a real daddy?"
I don't want to sound too flippant about the brain damage comment, but there is a real problem there. In actual fact I stumbled over the information about adult ADD when I was searching for what could possibly be responsible for DS's behaviour. He has been a 'hard' baby since birth, but those days are nearly over now.
I did sit down with DP and showed him some info, he was quite shocked but admitted he always felt he there was something going on with his brain, that he was wired wrong somehow. He didn't want his behaviour to cripple his son and frankly thats what was happening. BUT with that information he has done absolutely nothing about it. We had an excellent session with a councellor we saw to get some in home help regarding DS. DS never got discussed, the councellor went straight to the family dynamics and showed Dp how that carries through generations. How they are a chaotic family and SEEK it out. He took everything in and pondered it on the way home. Then has done nothing since and has not called for another appointment. And continued right on the way he has done - a few times he does try, lowers his voice, listens to the kids etc - but he always defaults back to yelling again.
I kept DS in CC even after I stopped work because of the effect it had on him. CC couldn't believe we were having such trouble with him at home, although he goes batty if someone interferes with his lego buildings he fitted straight in. Because there is structure, activities and firm gentle guidance.
Now I've been home for awhile, he is a different boy. He is still on a hair trigger with his temper sometimes but nothing like a year ago.
Then DD starts - it has nearly killed me with lack of sleep and stress. The teenrager has been rancid too lately and I was starting to think I had no right to be a mother because I wasn't coping. 4 Days of NO daddy and super-confident mummy, and my faerie babe has returned in all her sunny smiles .
Dp was pretty good last night. I made it quietly clear that he was risking bodily harm if he disrupted the new routine. Although he promised not to stir DS up, I still found him giving DS shoulder rides up and down the hall. At least he did it quietly I suppose .
Its a crappy situation that we can all only handle small doses of Dp right now, I can't see that changing until he does something about it. Its ok that he is only here at weekends, its managable. They are all off now on some adventure....giving mummy time to be in here instead of pegging out more washing
Have you told him that until he changes there's going to be less 'drop in' time? I know you say you've been waiting for him to make a move to see the counsellor, etc, but that's a BIG step, even if he recognises there's a problem. There's no harm with a little pushing from your end. Highlight the benefits of him going along and how things are so much better when he does behave the way you would like him to. Stay away from the negative stuff.
My DP does not have the kind of brain mis-wiring that you speak of and still getting him to see a counsellor for the emotional things that are wrong in his mind is quite confronting. In fact, he's much happier if we go along together to see a counsellor, even if it then means he has individual sessions here and there. I know I've had to 'lead the horse to water', so to speak, but it is him who still makes the changes and we all benefit from that (hallelujah!).
Super-confident mummy, even with demented daddy around, will still bring out the best in your kids - don't doubt yourself because he has the ability to turn your world upside down!
Really big FAT rant..............
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your way hun! I think you're amazing 
. I'm glad your DH can learn to listen....
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because I wasn't coping. 4 Days of NO daddy and super-confident mummy, and my faerie babe has returned in all her sunny smiles 
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