Why am I this way?

[rosehannah]

I don't remember when it started, but I struggle with having a peaceful relation with my mum. I think about it a lot and it is effecting my relationship with my DH and my children. If anyone asks me what I want, then it would be to have a happy family where everyone gets along. (This is not going to happen I fear as there are too many strong willed family members who live in the past). When I was eight mum and dad divorced and this was a really hard thing for me and my sister to go through.(I chose not to go into details as it is unnecessary). I think that a lot of people say that they don't want to make the same mistakes as their parent did, mum does,I do, but I fear that I dwell on them to much and that those worries live so close to the surface that I panic if I see any signs of them in me. I have heard it said that if you concentrate on the negatives, then negative things will happen, so I do try to find good things in mum like, she is giving of her time and she loves us, its just that we clash in our way of doing things and our opinions on things, I struggle to find common ground. We have had several frank discussions and it has helped in some ways, and we are both making a effort to get along.
Sorry if this is a little disjointed but I had to deal with a pootainment issue from DD2 in the middle of this LOL, thanks for reading

[Lucy]

Rosehannah,

I think that because you seem to be very self aware, you are likely to be the generation that does NOT repeat the mistakes that you feel your Mum made. You are conscious of how it things impacted on your childhood, and seem pretty determined not to have history repeat?

I have heard it said that if you concentrate on the negatives, then negative things will happen

I kind of believe this too, so am super paranoid about conjuring up negative images/thoughts.

All I can suggest to combat this is make sure you have a positive "replacement image or thought" to combat your memories/thoughts of worrying behaviours?

Does that make sense??! LOL!

For example, my mother, sadly, is dependant on alcohol. I have tendencies to be tempted to be a lush too. And it scares me witless that I may be even close to repeating history. I had a big weekend last weekend (and had a fair few vodkas) and spent the whole journey home totally paranoid I was turning into my mother. Then I realised that it was the first time I had had a few drinks in nearly 2 years. And I "replaced" the image of myself as a lush with the image of me playing with the kids bed every morning with peachy skin, no hangover, and zero dependence, which is, I realise, a much more accurate portrayal.

I am rambling. Sorry.

Needless to say I have a pretty tricky relationship with my Mum that is a thorn in my side, so I totally empathise with you there.

Good luck. Your self awareness will be your strength.

[rosehannah]

Thanks Lucy,
I know that you have talked to Bath about how our relationship is with our mum (not sure if you will remember though) and I find you very supportive and understanding so thank you. IMO mum has been searching for some one to love her, and has grabbed onto the wrong people. Her father was a very controlling man and so was his father so I know it breaks her heart to be seen as making the same mistakes. This is why I stress so much about going down the same path. I try to control everything so that I feel secure, if that makes sense.
One of the problems that pops up with my DH is alcohol consumption. He was raised in a home where his father drank beer every day around 3-4 drinks, and so for him it is normal to drink every day, he will have about 2-3 drinks. Because mum, Bath and I lived with an alcoholic who could get verbally abusive when drunk, I have developed a dislike for drinking to excess and don't get drunk. I have told my DH that I think he has a drinking problem and he didn't like it. If I have a fight with my DH or kids then my mind automatically turns to..."OMG I don't have a happy family". In my mind I know that it is normal to argue, and I know that I am loved by my family and I love them, it's is hard to stop the thoughts from popping up.
I also have feelings of jealousy when my DH is being flirted with , I have been with him for over twenty years now and he has never given me a reason to be, I just can't get the thought out of my head that my mum left my dad so it can happen to anyone.
I sometimes think I am the worlds biggest worrier and my DH says that I look into everything too much and that if a problem comes up then just deal with it then, I have been working on it LOL Hopefully you are right in saying that I won't make the same mistakes as mum, I'm sure to make my own, I'm trying to keep the lines of communication open with my family and surround myself with loving people who can be good role models for myself and for my children.

[rosehannah]

Thanks caro it took me so long to reply to lucy that you poped in between.
I have been working on my positive thinking as it does make me feel a lot better , usually I will give my kids or DH a cuddle and tell them how much I love them, and just the feel of their arms around me is an instant pick me up

[MelS]

Rosehannah - I can totally understand where you are coming from. I had a very volatile relationship with my mother, we never got along and she really wasn't very loving or maternal to me and my younger brother. Then she had my other brother, who was born when I was 12 and she totally doted on him. She one day decided that she was going to leave my dad and she did, just packed up without saying a word to anyone and left the country. My brother was nearly 13 when this happened and thankfully he and I have an excellent relationship and he got through it. I haven't seen or heard from my mother in over 8 years and I have just got on with my life.

I am so determined not to be like her, that sometimes I think it consumes me a bit. I make extra sure that my girls know they are loved for who they are and both DH and I are proud of them.

Like you said, we are bound to make our own mistakes but thats OK. At least knowing what not to do, will help us have the happy families we deserve. Don't try and change the way you are, we have a past for a reason and I'm sure you won't have to worry about repeating any of your mums mistakes.

Sounds like you have a great family too.

[MantaRay]

Big hugs RH. You sound a bit like me - something of a perfectionist! I am so hard on myself and my DH when we are not perfect (ie all the time LOL!!). I am so sure that every little thing we do wrong - argue, swear etc is going to harm that boys so when it happens I over-react which of course is doing more harm than the original indiscretion. So, my advice to you is the advice that I really need to heed myself - don't be so hard on yourself (or your DH). Don't ask me how to do this, if I knew I'd be in a much better place right now (emotionally). But maybe you are stronger and more capable of doign this than me. I definitely think that recognising the problem is a great first step. I hope you can take the next step too.

[rosehannah]

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories, I know that as far as life goes mine has not been all bad. I think that we always want things to be better.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Rosehannah, I will share a bit too much with you now.

I wasn't just supposed to be a boy (for about 8-9 generations the oldest boy was a male, I am the first female to be firstborn in that line for hundreds of years) but I was supposed to be a replacement for my brother, who was miscarried. Huge disappointment to my family there. My father is in the navy and always treat me like a cadet. My sister less so. I only noticed that I was possibly drinking too much when I stopped drinking when pregnant. But because I rarely got drunk I didn't realise the problem and am now determined to only have one drink and that's it - I don't want DS growing up with extremes, either loads of alcohol or none. My parents give my sister a lot more time and affection than they do me; age 7 I was expected to tough things out, age 20 my sister would sleep with my mum if she had a bad dream.

But I'm not (that) bitter! It has made me who I am and I'm having therapy for that. I feel sorry that my mum never got therapy - she was expected to help look after the house at a young age, her maternal grandmother hated her, she had a hard time dealing with her miscarriage, my dad always promised to leave the sea and still hasn't... it is wrong to take those things out on your children, but she didn't know any better.

Because I have had the luxury of time to analyze myself and become more self-aware, I am able to break this cycle. It is hard work, but so long as we have an aim that we can work towards then we can do it.

I make sure my son knows he is loved as he his, he wil never have to live up to the potential of a dead person. I am trying to be less of a perfectionist at home: DS needs stories, not a mum with a surgically attached vacuum cleaner (I promised myself this age about 7!). Learning from another's mistakes is hard and many cannot do it, we who can are the fortunate ones.

Hope this helped a bit.

[rosehannah]

I agree with you rosehip fairy, our children need to feel love for who they are. I think it is the greatest gift we can give them. I have to remind myself not to expect too much from them.
You seem like such an intelligent and caring person, thank you for your support

[MelS]

Caro - I am good about it now, but I was very angry when it first happened. After having kids of my own, I could and never will understand how a mother could leave her kids, no matter how old! My dad is great, he put up with alot from my mum without complaint. My dad moved in with his elderly mother when my brother was 16, so he came to live with us until he was 18. He was here when I was pregnant with Chelsea and he was such a great help when I came home with a newborn. He and Chelsea are very close too. I really cherish the relationship we have, he's such a wonderful and caring young man now. I hope I had some influence on that.

Rosehannah, I totally agree, we always want things to be better. It gives us all something to strive for.

Rosehip - I am sure you son will reap the benefits of your experiences with your mother. You sound like you are dealing with things so well, your son will be very proud to have you as his mummy.

[Lucy]

surround myself with loving people who can be good role models for myself and for my children

Good on you Rosehannah. This is a key issue I reckon.

I think we can spilt most folk into "givers" or "takers". (Not materially, but of emotions and of energy.)

Make a pact to only surround yourself with people who give good energy, who make you feel good about yourself. (If I come across "energy suckers" in my world, they are GONE, LOL! Me & my little family are very happy, and I refuse to let energy suckers in!)

I took a lot of time a few years ago setting some family relationship goals. It has helped me take responsibility for the way I feel, and I have stopped blaming. This has been key for me.

Sharing of good energy with your DH & your children and your friends is the ultimate pick me up, so I reckon you are most definitely on the right track. xx