My DS2 is 9 days old and after an anxiety ridden experience when DS1 was a newborn, I did everything I could to ensure that didn't happen again.
Anyway... I never thought I would/could, but I am dealing very well with having a newborn, enjoying it and have bonded immediately - all things that didn't happen right away with DS1.
However, I am feeling very guilty about neglecting DS1, he's 3. DH has taken a few weeks off and has been taking him out and spending lots of time with him... But I feel like he is missing out on mummy time.
Today DH had a couple of meetings he had to go to, so it was me and the boys DS1 and I put up the Xmas tree together, did some colouring and played with Lego, so I felt good.
And then bed time... It was shocking. DS1 basically had to go through his routine of teeth brushing, hand washing etc by himself, which was ok. When it came time for his bedtime story, DS2 was screaming for a feed so I was trying to feed him and read 2 books and tuck DS1 in at the same time. DS1 decided he wanted to call out to me a million times after I put him to bed, for just random time wasting things... Well I cracked and yelled at him, and he started crying. I put DS2 to bed, sat down and cried while listening to my big boy crying. I then went in an apologized and cried while hugging him.
So my point is... Have others felt guilty and how have you made it work so as not to neglect your older children?
Btw - I am fully aware that DS2 is only little and it'll get better eventually... AND that my hormones are probably all over the place at the moment!
Oh Connie, you've described me perfectly! (Congrats on the birth of your DS2 btw.)
There are days where I've had to spend a lot of time with DS and DD just says "Mummy, I miss you." It kills me. Nights aren't usually too bad, Daddy always does it. But last Wednesday he got called in to work and I did the bedtime thing, brushed her teeth while feeding DS and then juggled him and books until I couldn't anymore and just sang to her. She was ok, but I felt bad I couldn't lie down and snuggle her like I normally would. Then tonight she wouldn't sleep for DH, after half an hour she was calling for me. I went in, again feeding DS. It took an hour. It's not what she wants so I feel bad
There have definitely been tears (mostly mine), but it's a matter of balancing - you can't be there every second for DS1, or for DS2. You just need to work out if you can do both at that time, and if not, who needs you most.
I've told Liebling already there will be less rough and tumble after Stormy is conceived, and I will neglect him dreadfully in the weeks after the birth.
But it's ok, I still will adore him and will go back to having time to play and read later. We can always have chats on the walk to and from school, and Daddy is there to help him when I can't be. I am not feeling guilt, I am responding to the child who needs Mama most and it won't always be the same one.
Liebling has stopped asking DH and me when we're going to have a baby. So maybe my plan isn't the best. But he knows it will be a short phase and things will recover, whuch is important.
I'm going to take him out this morning for some one-on-one time, so I might trying explaining that it's not long term to him. He probably won't get it since his concept of time doesn't really go beyond a few days, but it might help me feel better.
DH said to me last night that DS1 is actually fine and hasn't shown any signs that he is upset or missing out. He's not acting out (anymore than usual), and is actually pretty excited to have both of us home everyday. Which is all true, I guess it's just me being hard on myself.
Teeki - the bedtime juggle is by far the hardest part. In the future, DH won't be home in time 2 nights a week, so I'll be doing it on my own.
I just need a plan, that's how I function... Funnily enough, newborns are into plans/routines
That initial adjustment period is hard. it takes a few months to get into the swing of things and everything will settle again.
Your priority right now is quite rightly your new baby - he needs you more - and your own recovery. Be kind to yourself.
Wow, I remember feeling like this when DD2 was just born. I still feel like it occasionally, but not as much.
When it was just me in the evening I would have to read DD1 stories on the couch whilst feeding DD2 and then, either when DD2 had finished, or between sides, take DD1 to bed. Like lots of babies, DD2 cluster fed like crazy in the evening, so I got used to doing lots with a baby attached to me. I tried my best to so some special activities with DD1 most days when DD2 was sleeping.
Oh Connie, I remember this. And my heart hurts when I think about it and when I look at photos of my DD at 2.5 when DS1 arrived. I want to go back to that poor, exhausted me and say this:
You are enough. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to manage craft and excursions and singing time... in fact, your older child will ultimately benefit from learning to entertain themselves with a cardboard box and a wooden spoon. All you have to do, is be there. Just be as present as you can. Even if that's just from the couch as you feed, or in and out of the room as you settle bubs. Be as loving as you can, and when you lose your cool, apologise and move on, you're not the most evil parent in the world because you yelled for a second.
I beat myself up SO MUCH for not being enough for DD when DS1 was born. I went from very hands-on parenting to just barely there, desperately trying to fit in a puzzle and some playdoh between endless rocking and feeding of an unsettled baby. And I think she would have been fine for it... had I not been so sure that she was experiencing 'neglect' that I let it turn me inside out with guilt. It made me irritable and frustrated and ashamed and resentful of DS and of DD if she didn't seem to enjoy when I did manage some quality time. I think it was one of the biggest drivers behind what ultimately turned into PND for me. And that is the thing that did impact on her. That her Mummy was miserable. I feel so incredibly sad that I missed out on the little joys we could have had, because of the guilt that I wasn't doing as much as I had previously.
I've had a great shift in my parenting approach over the last 12 months, largely inspired by the RIE model which advocates just being there with kids and fostering their independent play and exploration, rather than doing things with/for them. It has given me permission to step back and observe that with a healthy, safe space and some open-ended props (and, at first, some weaning off their dependence on me to generate ideas), my kids do not get bored. They do not need me to entertain them. And I am enough if I am warm, respectful, and as available as I can be.
I'm in the process of trying to apply this to the arrival of number three (now 10 weeks). It's easier in part, as my older two do entertain eachother (in between a bit of biffo and squabbling). But woah, it's tough with a newbie. Nothing, not even experience, prepares you for the stretch of exhaustion, demands and divided attention. Sleep deprivation and post birth hormones = craaaazy. But mostly, letting go is kind of working. I'm still snappy and frayed. I still feel like I could be giving more. But I know that I can't and I don't want to take any more away by being sad and guilty and miserable at what just is.
I hope that makes sense. Sleep deprivation also makes expression difficult!
Hang in there Hun. Like you said, it gets easier. Between now and then, where you can, sit on the floor in your jarmies with your boys and just hang out. xox
Yes evenings are tricky with a newborn and preschooler. We had to make adjustments to make it easier. Dh is very rarely home before kids are in bed so I had to find a solution. For us it was lying down in bed with DD and feeding ds while dd cuddled my back. She would then go to sleep easily and we all looked forward to it. On the plus side it meant ds fell into her bed routine easily and I had them both in bed by 6:30pm most nights.
I think flexibility is important and letting go of all the self imposed rules you might have. Cuddling in front of the tv with your two boys is a perfect way to spend the day.
Oh Santosha, I can't believe I only just saw your reply!!
Some days are better than others... I think when we've had a rough night with the little man, I have a lot less patience and tend to be more emotional, and in turn hard on myself.
I do know it's going to get better, and I do know that DS1 in particular is coping so well with the addition to the family... I just feel like I need to get through the next few months.
2nd time mother's guilt...
DS1 and I put up the Xmas tree together, did some colouring and played with Lego, so I felt good.
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