Giving Your Children The Things You Missed Out On As A Child.

[Beautiful Disaster]

I am with Jaycee. I grew up hating my life and always asked why me. I just want to pass on to my kids to be honest and open with me and to not have secrets and be easy to talk to. my mother to this day still isnt easy to talk to and it still upsets me but oh well. These things make us into the people we have become today.

[GoingtobebiginAsia]

I'm hoping I can give my DD the best things from my childhood and spare her the negatives. That means hugs, love, attention, family time AND some treats and outings.

My mum's constant refrain when I was growing up was "we can't afford it". It wasn't her fault, my dad was terminally ill and she was the breadwinner and the everything else. When we went shopping, mum often had to return items that we couldn't afford. (Dad, when he was up to it, was less embarrassing to go shopping with because he added up the prices in his head and didn't have to rely on the total from the cash register.)

My fondest memories are of family time together. We had a few holidays - a great hiking holiday in the mountains, a few holidays by the beach and went for lots of picnics together. We still get to have wonderful family times together because my dad made a "miracle" recovery. He's a wonderful grandad, too.

[Oorki Galoorki]

i hope to give my kids my time... that nothing will be a hassle.
i never did after school activities as it meant mum had to be there and because of her work that would make her very grumpy and resentful.

my kids have lots of clothes too.. i know for many years i would have one "outfit" per season that i wore everyday it would get washed and dried over night for me to wear daily..

we had the world holidays.. but in winter we had bucked lined up to catch the water leaking in through the roof.. we had few clothes.. when i had health issues they were ignored (which is why i figured out at 20 i was allergic to whole egg). My parents had this everyone gets equal(only sister and i) but i know it wasnt equal..often dad would say dont tell your mu or your sis.. or she would rock up with new bits too.. i Dont want my kids to think they have to be the same value in our eyes.. we want them to know that they each have weakness's and strengths and that we are all individuals needing different things.

hmm i think i went a bit OT

[widdly]

i have enjoyed reading through this thread.

THe things I felt i missed out on was quality one on one time with my parents. DS is now an only child so he gets all the attention, though Id rather he had a sibling. I also missed out on travel and things like theme parks. Myself and XH plan to give DS a lot of experiences through travel when he is a litle older. Another one is cool clothes. I had hand me downs and ugly stuff that was way out of fashion. I plan on letting DS have plenty of 'name brand' stuff when he is older if he wishes (though he will be made to earn these).

[Floweryfields]

Well I had a pretty great childhood, but the three things that stand out for me that I want for my children is grandparents, mine all died by the time I was 4 and I still feel ripped off that I didn't have any. My mum is a really clean freak, so she didn't spend a whole lot of time playing with me as a child, she was a SAHM so I was very appreciative (or rather am now) that I had her home with me, she just was always busy keeping everything spotless and she has admitted to me that she regrets taht. The third is Mum doesn't have and never has had a licence, so living in the country, we never got to go to movies or have a day in town for the school holidays cause dad was at work and mum couldn't take us.

[Olive]

[Tinsel]

The words "I love you". As a child and growing up, their was no affection and definately no "I love you" in our house...

We make sure we say it every day. I don't remember one cuddle or kiss or I love you from my mum growing up which is very sad. I am the oldest of 7 children and she loves babies so older children were just an inconvenience to her. Now that we are all older my sisters are way over the top with their 'love you' that it sounds really fake. Kissing mum these days is forced and I still feel judged. I don't want that for my kids. We grew up with the 'seen and not heard' attitude as well.

I will make sure that we constantly have conversation in our house as we never had that. Something so simple but for some reason didn't happen. Mum's opinion was our opinion and she wasn't very nice to others and has a closed mind about the world. Took me years in my adult life to not judge everyone and be negative. I also want our girls to feel safe to come to me or DH with anything they want to discuss. I don't want them to be scared of me. If they have done something wrong, we will talk about what happened and disciplined rather than smacked with every word of 'don't do that again...'

We didn't have much money growing up either so I never did anything at school or after that cost money. We won't indulge our kids every desire on that front but we will certainly involve them in other activities. They will also learn about money and the world around them.

I sound like I had a terrible upbringing. We had some good holidays and we never went without the basics, it was more the physical/emotional/nurturing/encouragement stuff which I think is so important for a little human growing up.

[LuluHB]

Me! My mum divorced my dad when I was 18 months so she raised me and my older brother entirely by herself. I can't remember wanting for anything of a material nature ever - I have no idea how she did that but damn she was good!! What I really noticed though was that my mum was never on canteen duty, was never at sports carnivals, assemblies etc because she was working full time. I've discussed this with her recently and she admitted to bawling the whole way to work on many mornings because she knew how disappointed I was that she couldn't be at whatever that day.

So, my DH and I made the decision that I would be a SAHM. We also agreed that he would work from home for himself which allows him to also be around and constantly in the girls' lives. Life would be a whole lot easier financially if I went back to work and he worked in a "real job", and there would definitely be more things like holidays, new cars etc but we made a decision that togetherness as a family was the most important thing we could give the kids.

[Gigi]

i had to look twice, when i saw that Lulu had posted today.



what i am giving my child that i didn't have
- a home where she doesn't get bashed

- a home where she doesn't have to listen to parents screaming and bashing each other

- i'm interested in what makes her happy and will support her in whatever way i can manage, to share in her dreams.

- store bought knickers that are the right size (so no elastic digging in)

she would get the co-sleeping if i was in at least a double bed. after months of trying (in a single bed), i have had to admit defeat (or rather, my back is stuffed, so i physically can't do it anymore). She got the co-sleeping for 4 years (until i split from her father).

DD having lots of toys, is not something that worries me. We live in a small place, so if she had more, where would they go? I would rather she have less toys, and actually enjoy the ones she does have. So the only xmas and bday pressies being from me and her dad, that's fine, it's enough.

Clothes wise, she loves sparkly things, so i sew sparkly applique badges onto very basic clothing, jazzes it up for her. She loves trawling thru opshops with me, and i buy up when sales are on (for standard items).

[MummyDuck]

I'm another one who wants to give hugs kisses and love.

I want some stability for dd. I was always given a chance to do dance or athletics or whatever but was always forced to leave to move or whatever new excuse my mum had so I was only ever in anything for a few months at best.

We moved a lot. I want dd to feel stable in one house.

The 2 most important things are for ME as well as DD.

I work pt. I want to give her all I can but more I want to give her time. To play with her, family outings, go to the library, read a book, cook and the list goes on. I spent the 6 years I lived with my mum watching tv in my room or looking after my brother (aged 8 and my brother 2 while mother went out looking for some new guy)

I want to give her and myself a family. I want her to have mum dad brothers sisters...... A real family who love each other and work together as a team through good and bad times.

I don't have family (well I do now) I lived with that many different people. By the time I was 15 my so called family members all stopped calling and visiting because my depression and mixed feelings about mum were too much for them to handle.

So I'm selfish because I want it as badly as, If not more than to give it to her.

Now that dd is choking me to death kissing and hugging me that's my cue to go and read a book before bed.

I may have had a bad childhood, abondoned and abused but I'm the luckiest parent and wife in the world. and going through all of it was totally worth it....... Because I know I learnt what's better for my dd and I have the confidence to know I am the best mum!!!! not to mention how gorgeous my dd and dh are...... Inside and out. We are a team!


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[fionas]

I want to give my DDs some 'big picture' stuff that I feel was lacking from my childhood. I want them to have the confidence to follow their dreams, to know that academic success isn't the be all and end all, that I will be prouder of them for being kind and considerate than I will ever be of a stellar school report (thought that would be nice too), that life is full of choices and they have the power to make those choices and how their life turns out. That I will love them more than life itself but if they stuff up, I will tell them.

[Astrid]

I think the main thing I want to provide for them is still yet to come and that is support during higher education. I was kicked out of home, but even before that I was offered no support to go to Uni. Just told to get a job. My other siblings received some help with their studies, setting up their first home, weddings etc. I got nothing. I feel that the help in those late teen, early 20's years is to vital these days and we want to help the girls then. Not just hand it all to them, but atleast give them a roof over their head whilst they go to Uni or do an apprenticeship.

The main thing I am giving them now is me having a licence and a car. I remember sitting in the rain after sports practice, waiting an hour for someone to pick me up. Having to ask other parents to get me to and from sports on a Saturday. Even when mum remarried and he did drive, they would be off doing important things, like shopping for who knows what, so I just had to sit at a vacant netball court till they were ready. My girls will not have to do that. If there is a very good reason why we cannot get them to or from an activity, then we will rethink the activity (different location, time, day) if we can.

[StrawberryFields]

While we're not parents technically for another couple of months, we already have a list of things that we want out kids to experience:

- Siblings - I never really had siblings. My half sisters are 10 and 13 years older than me, and while my parents took me on holidays etc, I always hated it because it was just them dragging me around where they wanted to go and I was lonely. DH is the youngest of 4, and while he doesn't always get along with his siblings, he would never want anyone not to have a sibling. Lucky nature has blessed us with twins, so first box is checked!

- Take them away on holidays as a family - DH never got to go on holidays like I did. He'd never left the country until our honeymoon, but my first holiday was when I was 18months old to NZ. Not big extravagant, Disneyworld every 2 years holidays, but even if its just to see our own backyard - go camping somewhere for the weekend. We want to take them on a big holiday one day, maybe after they finish primary school, to meet their family in Holland, and to go to Disney world and all that cool stuff, the stuff DH never got to do. We've started saving already.

- Let them give things a go - My parents never let me just try things, and overall were not very supportive unless it was something that reflected well on them. My parents used to tell me 'Thats ridiculous, you're not taking part in something so silly' in reference to pretty much anything - most famously when I wanted to learn drums: "Don't be ridiculous, drums are for boys." So if our kids want to try something, we will let them - within reason of course, there will be no sky diving until they are at least 16!

- Always assure them that their best is good enough - My parents never accepted that I tried my best. If my best wasn't up to their standards, I was told 'Well your best isn't good enough, go study.' Or 'Well your best was crap.' I would love for our kids to be straight A students, or musical/athletic prodigies, but if they're not, thats fine. So long as they try their very best then thats all we can ask of them - and they need to know that.

- Don't force them into extra curricular activities they clearly don't enjoy - I was forced to play violin, and piano, and clarinet, when all I wanted to do was play the drums. I HATED violin, piano, and clarinet, but my parents made me go to them anyway, made me sit exams etc. Now, I look back and laugh at how much money they wasted on it, but then it just sucked, and I could have filled a well with the tears I cried over the years for it. So, while our kids wont be allowed to say 'But I hate that' unless they've tried it, we wont force them into doing it if they really don't want to. DH would love them to do scouts, I would love them to play hockey, but if its not their cup of tea and something else is? Thats fine, so long as they're doing something.

- Let them choose their own religion - Both DH and I are baptised Catholic. Both of us strongly disagree with much of the church's policy. Neither of us believe in God. We have agreed to educate our kids on all the major religions and let them make an informed decision for themselves once they are old enough. If they want to become born again Christians, or meditate, or whatever, thats fine because we know its a choice they have made based on what they have learned, not just something they were forced into from birth. We hope it will also teach them to be tolerant of peoples differences - which leads me to...

-Remind them that it is okay to be different if thats who you are - For example, if it turns out that our child is gay, they need to know that its okay, and that its perfectly normal and natural. We'll remind them that not everyone will understand, and that it wont be easy, but that the people that matter are, and will be fine with it, and anyone else isn't worth their time. I have too many friends who have suffered far too much because of their sexuality, lost their families, or their job, or been denied something, and I will not shut my kids out if that is the case. I can't prevent what the world will do to them, but I can and will be there for them if it does drag them through the dirt.

- Have family time - My mum worked SO much, so did my dad. I know they did it for me so I could go to the best school etc, but most of my memories were of my friends and their parents not my own. So family time will be very important. Eat meals together as a family when we can, make one night a week when we sit down and do something together - maybe its just watching a movie, or tv show, but it will be all together. Mummy will never be running late from work to the point that she can't tuck them in, and Daddy will never repeatedly forget to pick them up from school, or be too busy to take them in the first place.

- I Love You - Pretty self explanatory. Make sure they know they are loved, and live in a home built on love. I'm 21 years old and have never seen my parents kiss (not that I would want to see them make out or anything, but an assurance of affection would be nice), I think I've seen them hug maybe...7 times? I've always wondered if they even love each other like parents should, or if they're just friends who got a certain age and actually honoured some kind of 'Hey, once we're 35, lets marry each other' pact. Our kids will know that not only do Mummy and Daddy love them, but that they love each other as well.

It makes me sad how many of us have listed that last one...

I'm lucky that I grew up in a home free of violence, but I want my kids to know that home is a sanctuary from emotional abuse too, because I don't feel that's something I really had. I want them to want to come home at the end of the day, to want to give their parents a hug, and to feel they can talk to us if they want and need to. I never had that.

[Cranky Kitten]

If there is one thing I will give my children that I didn't have, it's the knowledge that they are loved, just as they are. That they can come to me with anything and know that they will be listened to and believed. That I will move heaven and earth to protect them when they need it. They will be able to sleep safely at night without the fear of being molested in their bed.

I want to give my children the gift of my time. Not always rushing off to something more important, to be able to simply spend time with each other and enjoy their fascination with the world.

[jesses_girl]

Such a great thread! I want to give ds me. I never felt like i was doing the right thing, always in trouble for something. I rebelled really bad. I want my son to play team sports, be involved in something. I dont care if its ballet so long as hes doing something he loves! I dont ever want to say 'ask your father' or say 'maybe' and id get my hopes up and its always a no. I want him to know me as his mother and as a person, i never really saw mum as a person. I want to tell him everyday how much i love him and kiss and hug him. I find it very hard to be affectionate. I want him to see his mum and dad in love and kiss and hug eachother. I want him to experience going out as a family to dinner or the movies. My dad didnt and still wont go anywhere other than work, in fact he wants me to go to the doctor for him to get antibiotics! I dont want my son to see alcaholism sp? I dont want him to have to feel for the mood before he asks me something kwim? Oh god i didnt think i had this much lol. All DP wants to give him is a good bike haha. Nice clothes too. Esp. School uniforms, i always had faded old too big uniforms.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Oh, man - these kids are getting the farm I always wanted and there are two pretty ponies in the paddock here for them! Ok, so we didn't get the farm for them because we missed out as children, we got the farm for our own sakes and by default, the kids are getting what both of us wanted as kids. The ponies are my wish for them to have what I couldn't have, though
My kids are also getting a childhood free of punishments and rewards. No friggin star charts.
And they get cousins and grandparents and an uncle in the same state of the same country of the same hemisphere as they are in. Novel, I know! I grew up with very little socialisation, and only letters from interested aunts and my step-grandmother, and later from my cousin (who now lives in Melb), all in Ireland. I never knew my mum's side of the family until I was in my 20s, not even by letter. So, my kids get extended family, as well as a farm and ponies.
They get a dad who doesn't work away from home for weeks at a time. I know what that feels like and I will not encourage DP to get a FIFO job no matter what it pays. Wishing your dad was joking about missing your birthday or Christmas is not fun. And we knew it hurt him, too.
There are things I wish never happened when I was a kid and there's a whole stack of things I want to replicate and do replicate (hugs, "I love you's", co-sleeping, varied nightly meals, bilinguilism, the great outdoors).
The post by Luly threw me, too.