My DD 'talks back' and I am happy about it!!

[Heaven]

We have recently been on holiday at my Nan's house for a couple of weeks. And while we were there she mentioned she was amazed (and amused) at how DD1 will argue with us. How she will tell us exactly what she thinks, lol. I haven't thought about it that much until she pointed it out. She doesn't argue all the time of just for the sake of arguing but if something is not right for her she will let us know!

The main funny one when we were there was that DH was getting frustrated with her because he was trying to get her to bed and she wouldn't take her shoes off so he eventually just took them off her himself but forgot to undo the strap and accidentally hurt her. She came in to us crying and said 'Daddy is being so mean to me! He is being so mean! He took my shoes off and didn't even undo them!' Then he came in and she told him the same thing. He tried to explain and she said 'No! You do not be mean to me! I didn't want to take my shoes off yet! You were not listening to me. I wanted to brush my teeth first. I will have to put you in your room and you can have some time out!' And we don't even do time out so she's obviously seen it somewhere and decided that's just what he needs, pmsl.

Anyway, I just thought, this is awesome! It shows me she is not afraid of us, not afraid of getting into trouble for telling us what she thinks even if she doesn't agree with us. Not afraid to stand up for herself and will let someone know when they do something she doesn't like.

When I was a kid not many people would 'talk back' to their parents. You'd probably get a smack. I don't want my kids to feel like that. And I don't want them to think they are less important than adults and that their opinions and needs are less important than adults. So I was just happy about what some people would see as something we need to change in our DD. I don't see it like that at all, I think we are on the right track

Yay for kids that 'talk back' LOL

[Chocaholic]

Congratulations on raising a self-assured, confident young lady. She sounds delightful (most of the time!).

[Arcadia]

Yes! How funny! I agree entirely, especially since it shows she has spirit and determination- two essential traits necessary for succeeding in this world especially as a woman.

My dd isn't afraid of anyone it seems. When my mum tried to quietly tell her off, and even I was getting scared, she goes 'talk to yourself nana' and my mum burst out laughing and said 'she's got pluck which is what she needs!'

I always tell dd to talk to me like a normal person, and not scream or tantrum, and when she does, she pretty much gets her own way on everything (within reason). It makes for a happy home I think.

[Rouge]

I totally agree. Well done! There's a difference between a self assured chi,d raised in a happy healthy environment with parents she trusts rather than fears and "negative behaviour" she's well within her right as a human being IMO to speak up when she's not happy.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Interesting.
I totally agree with this in theory and suspect it may take away a lot of tantrums because the child is listened too.
Valued as a person and shows that all family members are equaly valued.
This is the total op to how I was raised, how a lot of us were I think

unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. its not.
Dr Seuss

[trishalishous]

Id much rather logical, calm talking back, than a hysterical tantruming child!

[Heaven]

Id much rather logical, calm talking back, than a hysterical tantruming child!

Me too! And I've actually found this way has stopped a lot of tantrums. The tantrums that are because of frustration and not being listened to anyway.

Now I am noticing it all the time after starting this thread, lol. Today when I asked her to do something she said to me 'Mummy, I'm not going to do that unless you say please DD1' LOL. Fair point I think.

And I may be strange but my goal actually isn't obedient children. Probably sounds odd but I don't actually want them to just do as I say. Sometimes I think FFS I wish they would just listen to me and do it!! But overall, that's not what I want really. I want to teach and guide them to make their own decisions based on their own morals and be intrinsically motivated to do the right thing. As opposed to doing things because that's what I want (or what they might be punished or rewarded for). So for me, one of the ways I'm personally trying to do that is by welcoming respectful discussion/debate/disagreement or anything they have to say really. It's definitely not for everyone but I'm just pleased that so far it seems to be working out for us

[Rouge]

And you know what. Nine times out of ten they are imitating our parenting. So hypothetically if we don't like the way it sounds when it's said to us, then maybe then need to change the way we say things too

[Taurean]

She sounds just like our DD1 who will be 3 in a month. Thanks for putting a positive spin on what can be a very trying trait at times

[sangie]

She sounds like both my kids. We call them 'spirited' lol!

[onthefly]

It's hilarious when the tables turn like that. I'm glad you see it as a good thing - it's something to be proud of, really.

[briggsy's girl]

we get this a lot too - and i've come to realise it's not a bad thing - i'm glad she knows that she can talk to us and tell us the truth about things.

can be amusing with the things she comes out with though - poor Daddy is the SAHP and he can't get away with anything! She knew he couldn't pick her up after his operation so she is STILL telling me every time daddy picks her up - she'll demand to talk to me on the phone when i'm at work and tell me what he's done lol.

if she is upset about something we ask her to use her words and explain what is upsetting her - i figure if we can get her to talk things through, even if we're the ones that are "at fault" in making her upset, hopefully she'll have the confidence to speak up about anything/everything...

[Jennifer13]

I'm very happy for DD1 who's six to voice her opinion, but I do insist she does it respectfully and that she listens when I talk to her too. There's a difference between voicing her opinion and screaming because she isn't happy about something that has a very good reason behind it. The same rules apply to me and DP when dealing with her. We listen to her (although whingeing has a short tolerance span) and we don't yell or show her disrespect.

Like you, I want her to speak up, but I want her to learn the best way to do that is respectfully. I would not want her to go to school and yell at people when she isn't getting her own way.

[Tinks]

If that's what works for you then that's great.

[nothing2lose]

I want to word this so it doesnt come out the wrong way....

I think what can be cute at three or four or five, can be a real problem when they are 10, 13, 16....and beyond.

I agree with Jen that kids need to be able to voice their wants, needs, wishes, hurts, etc in a safe environment. But they need to be respectful and they also need to know that sometimes their wants, needs, etc are secondary to the group's wants, needs, etc. Often in life you just have to do "as you are told" even if you don't like it. You cant complain. You just have to suck it up.

There are a million situations where this is the case, for a million different reasons. I just think there is a balance between raising a child to think independently and raising a child who is going to encounter a lot of problems because they think their opinion or what they want should be the most important consideration for everyone else in the room.

[Sterla]

Haha! That is so funny, but so fantastic!!!

[briggsy's girl]

I agree with Jen that kids need to be able to voice their wants, needs, wishes, hurts, etc in a safe environment. But they need to be respectful and they also need to know that sometimes their wants, needs, etc are secondary to the group's wants, needs, etc. Often in life you just have to do "as you are told" even if you don't like it. You cant complain. You just have to suck it up.

we dont just let her have her say and she gets away with it - if she is saying something, we listen, and then we talk through WHY her thought process is right or wrong. it often means a heap of back and forth and soooooooo many WHY's - but we don't have a "just because" attitude - it never worked with me when i was growing up, and i suspect DD is so much like me that we NEED to hear her and make sure she understands rather than just telling her "this is how it is". being simply told to do/be/act in a certain way just led me to rebelling against things - when the reasons why i should do/be/act in a certain way were explained (actions and consequences) i got it - and when i knew why i shouldn't do something, i wouldn't do it....

it's definitely a balancing act - but i think teaching kids to suck it up can be harmful - teaching them WHY is far more healthy

[nothing2lose]

BG, I think you misunderstood me. I dont think we should raise kids to do as they are told without explanation or to just 'suck it up'. I was just saying that we often encounter that as adults and that we need to prepare kids for the way the world is.

There are times when arguing the point is not appropriate and can lead you into all sorts of problems (as a teen/adult). And, yes, there are times when you do just have to accept things you dont like, even if you dont understand the reasons behind it.

Trust me, my DD is far from a compliant robot. She is free-thinking, questioning, imaginative, rebellious... Do I expect her to do as I say? Yes. Do I explain to her why I want her to do particular things? Most times. But I know that she understands when it's appropriate to argue the point or refuse to comply.