I find it helps my ds if I give him some direction on what I actually want from him. My dh was 'telling' ds to pick up his toys and put them away. ds started getting frustrated, saying he couldn't do it etc etc and then chucking a tanty. As soon as we explained what we wanted from him.. eg "please put all your tools on your tool bench" or "pack all your thomas tracks into the train drawer"" etc etc instead of just saying clean up your mess, he did it without any hassles.

We still have days when all he wants to do is whinge (sometimes, excessively) and carry on, but mostly, if he is given some sort of direction he is fine.

Good luck.