Please help me, I do not know what to do with DD.

[Liz]

We haven't had public tanty's yet with our 4yr old, but oh my... do we have some attitude.. and a LOT of anger! And it's mainly with us.. no-one else. Altho Nana sees it a bit cos she's familiar/close enough. But he's just an angel for anyone else. I try to talk to his preschool teachers about him, and they just think he's the most considerate, lovely little boy.... argh. Makes it all the more frustrating knowing that he CAN be a lovely boy! haha.

I cracked it this afternoon and sent him to bed without dinner just before 6pm (he had had nibbles and stuff at Nana's just before.. so he wasn't going to bed completely empty.. in case anyone was worried LOL) But the attitude he gave me on the short drive home from mums, the filthy looks, the angry yelling etc etc etc! I just cracked it. He was devastated that he was being sent to bed so early, but we had a calm chat about it as I put him to bed, and I told him we are not accepting this behaviour, and made sure he understood why he was being sent to bed. (he crashed btw... so tiredness was obviously playing a part!)

I'm hoping it's just something we ride out and it goes away LOL. We are trying our best to stay calm and simply not tolerate the behaviour. We've gone back to more predictable consequences (ie he's put on a stool for 4 mins) and just letting it be known we don't like his constantly angry voice or the way he treats his sister. It all deteriorates if we crack it and lose control (which I kind of did this evening.. but I calmly followed through on what I said anyway) and I was falling into the habit of idle threats as well. I'm trying more to help him talk about how he's feeling.. I get that he was probably upset that we were leaving Nana's and I'm sure there was something else upsetting him.. but he was so intent on being angry and lashing out, I just had to come down hard tonight. (sorry this is kind of turning into a vent for me... not intending to hijack!) If he's completely lost it and is screaming, yep, I shut him in his room (still timed tho.. so i don't leave him too long lol) and tell him he can come out when he's calmed down or that I'll talk to him when he's feeling calmer and ready to use a nicer voice. I can tell when he's upset and when he's lashing out. If he's really upset I go and talk to him and cuddle him and work out what the problem is. If he's lashing out, he's beyond reasoning and just needs to calm down first.

I'm finding it really challenging (and so often these days I've seen a look on his face that makes me freak out about how I'm going to deal with him as a teenager!) I've been trying to lavish him with cuddles and praise and draw attention to his good behaviour (which sometimes is reaaaaally hard to find) And he's really chuffed and proud of himself when he's had a good morning of being nice to everyone. But his temper teeters on a knife's edge unfortunately, and he spirals quite quickly.

Anyway, sorry, this probably hasn't helped at all. But just know that you're not alone. And yes I too feel like I spend my days telling him off. I've been trying to back off because he could well be yelling at me cos I'm constantly on HIS back! I just try to remember that I'm the adult and I try to stay calm (even if I'm FUMING on the inside) and try to help him through it.

[Astrid]

My DD1 is pretty much the same, well worse really as it has been going on for so long.

Consistency and following through it a big thing. Something both DH and I are a bit slack on. We are good for awhile, then fall back into old habits. Sleep is another big one, the worst behaviour comes from being overtired, especially if she is hungry.

The other thing is how occupied she is. DD1 gets quite bored, she has a huge imagination and is quite physical. Due to DD2 she can't do a lot of the things she likes. She loves craft, but DD2 just messes things up. She loves the huge slides at the park, but if I take her I have a very stressful time dealing with a miserable DD2 who just can't do the same thing as her. I dearly wish Kinder had more hours, she needs so much more than what I can give.

Oh, almost forgot. Try being proactive, rather than reactive. I am not the most organised person, so often I wait to the "I'm hungry" before organising food. Not a good thing. I have had better days when I have been prepared, looked at the clock and thought "morning tea time". Same with activities. Normally I would just go and hang out the washing or into the veggie patch expecting them to follow me out. That just ends in disaster, I am called in all the time, then when I need to be in, they want to be out. So now (well I try) to give them warning to get boots on, we are going outside. If we are having a home day, then I give prior warning. If I think the week is going to be too quiet, like I know we will be home all weekend, then I try to organise a catch up with one of her little friends.

[Mak]

We're here too! I am trying to spend more time explaining stuff to DD1 - she too is pretty challenging atm. It would appear she needs to get why she can't do something rather than just a 'No'. Obviously this is not always easy but after putting a bit more time in and trying to give her prior warning things seem to be getting better.We too need plenty of predicatability and clear routine - not easy!
Astrid - you have described my DD1 almost exactly - hard work managing both, but you have made me feel better as it is happening elsewhere too!!! xx

[Liz]

Oh, almost forgot. Try being proactive, rather than reactive. I am not the most organised person, so often I wait to the "I'm hungry" before organising food. Not a good thing. I have had better days when I have been prepared, looked at the clock and thought "morning tea time". Same with activities.

Yes, agree with this. But I too am slack and wait for the I'm hungry.. then I get cranky at the way he's demanding food from me LOL. Hunger and tiredness play a BIG part. DS actually slept from before 6pm last night until 7.30 this morning. Didn't really wake up any happier for it LOL.. but I said to DH we need to be more strict with bedtime now that he's not sleeping through the day anymore, cos it's playing a big part... and he obviously needed to catch up since he had such a big sleep.

But yayayay at us not being alone with these cranky 4 year olds! hahah. *hugs* all round!

[Traveller]

I have just gone through this with DS1 (aged 5). Apparently all kids go through a hormone surge at this age which can affect their moods so we explained this to him, and that he might find it hard sometimes but6 it is ok to be angry just not ok to hit his siblings. We also got called into the school about his behaviour there so between school and home we formulated a plan of watching for his anger starting to show, and giving him a chance to vocalise what was going on. He started hitting cushions instead of his brothers, which was great, and now will tell us if we have upset him (by telling him off) instead of just screaming so that we can talk about the situation.

We also linked his pocketmoney to behaviour at school and home, and pushed back his bedtime from 7.30 - 8, to 7ish. All things combined we got our lovely boy back within a month or so and hopefully he has some coping mechanisms in place for the future too.

I hope some of what we did helps your daughter, best of luck

T
xx

[Astrid]

Yes, agree with this. But I too am slack and wait for the I'm hungry.. then I get cranky at the way he's demanding food from me LOL.

Should have followed my own advice today, was to busy with paperwork stuff and then they got hungry. One problem when DD1 is hungry is that she is more fussy, is I just make it she eats it, but once she asks for food she wants specific things and is so impatient for it to be made.