RANT - when did we start frowning upon SAHM's?

[Miss_Dee]

Personally I read this as a rant about a single person (perhaps this person was the straw that broke the camel's back) that was generalised. Probably because I often rant in a general sense as I feel bad ranting about a specific person.

As someone who will be a working mother, who was raised by a working mother and am friends with plenty of working mothers, I didn't take offence to anything you said. I knew where you were coming from and saw your rant as just that; a rant. This is the problem with forums and the written word. It's very easy for things to blow up or be taken out of context.

[lady_neon]

I am guilty of 'dumping' my kids in daycare.. Not because I want to lead a lifestyle I can't afford, but for reasons that you don't know..

Should those that can't afford to stay at home not have them? Do you think that I didn't want my kids because I chose to return to work?

Deep down I know this is true. But when a particular group of people start judging you, you start judging them. Even when you know you're doing it unfairly.

I'm sorry I made you all feel like crap, I really am, I should have re-read what I said before posting. I did say some offensive things.

Please understand this is coming from a to-be first time mum, and having constant judgement and being told you won't be able to do it, puts you in a really bad place

I am sorry to hurt you.

[Ambersky]

I have no problem with women working after having children if that is their desire/financial situation. That is their choice and none of my business.

LN Did say make a caveat in her original statement, I don't think her intention was to offend anyone.. However I can see her point I have been in this situation many times in the last 5 years.. Women who have told me with absolute certainty will not like being with my children, that i will need ME time (i do just not 5 days a week) that staying home is mental torture or a waste of time. I also know more than one working mum whose children do 5 days in long day care, every other weekend with Dad and sundays with the grandparents, so while i know its none of my business in reality i think "who is raising the children" is a fair question.
None of these are statements that cover 100% of cases.. just observations of some cases.
I have been insulted over being a SAHM on many MANY occasions. And while i have no intention of insulting people of their choices a little rant now and then is therapy.

[Cherished]

Hi lady_neon, I'm not surprised you have had a bit of back lash to your thread But I see where you are coming from. I don't think it's frowned upon so much as perhaps many woman don't understand how SAHM's have the coping skills to stay at home when many others feel the need to return to work for whatever reason. DS is 19 months and I could count on both hands how many hours I've been away from him. This is by choice and I LOVE it! I am one of the fortunate ones who has a husband who makes good enough money, we live in a beautiful house in a beautiful suburb and my dh is home probably 80% of the week so we can share care of DS. All of this combined allows me to cope and love being a SAHM or a PAHM (Play at Home Mum) as I like to call it As you will find out they can be a hand full and mums who need a break often don't have the support of family around like back in the day so child care can be a life saver. I also know of lots of mums who didn't want to go back to work but had to. For us we would sell the house before sending ds to day care but that is our choice as we choose to raise him. I know of some people who find this weird, especially the part of me hardly ever being away from ds (wink wink nudge nudge... I know you are reading... You know who you are) When I was pregnant I also had the roll of the eyes about returning to work and the 'you just wait and see'. I also got stupid comments about the couple of months that dh and I had together when ds was born and people telling me that we wouldn't be able to stand each other! WTF? if you can't stand being around your husband for a couple of months straight than what the heck did you get married for in the first place.

I'll finish by saying that there are woman who 'dump' their kids at day care and I agree, perhaps they should have thought about whether they would have kids or not or at least stopped at one instead of having a tribe of them. This is however a minority and I feel sorry for those children.

And hon, there is a punching Bag / boo hoo section which this may have been better placed in HERE

[PumpkinZulu]

Ignore them. I see we are similar ages. People think younger mothers are a fair go for all sorts of criticisms. Next time someone says that to you, say "Oh we'll, lucky I'm so young and have heaps of energy then!" with a big smile on your dial

[lady_neon]

Thanks Miss_Dee & Ambersky. I seriously wasn't out to trash anyone .

Cherished I didn't know we had that section. Next time!

[TeniBear]

I've had all the same thoughts at one point or another - yes, even the ones people are offended by - but that doesn't mean it's a constant thing. Just *in that moment*, I'm not very pro-working-mum. Every time else, I understand people's reasons...

If I'd had someone say I needed to go back to work for my sanity, I'd have gone right off at them. When I worked, even the easy days were torture. I would come home and has no energy, and a few times contemplated ridding the world of myself *just so I didn't have to go back to work*! Pretty sure I'm keeping my sanity by staying home, thanks I don't have the best temper, so I dread to think how I would go coming home from work and having to deal with everything.

[meow]

I've never had a negative response to being a SAHM. Generally the response is either neutral or positive. Sorry you were given a hard time. It's a bit odd really. Does she have children herself? Sounds like she's projecting her own experience, but it wont necessarily be the same as yours. I have had high needs children and it's been hard and I could see how work could be a respite at times, but just getting organised to GET to work seems SO hard. As a SAHM, I have a new found respect for working mothers!

[OceanPrincess]

Maybe I reacted as I did because I do want to be a SAHM and feel like our financial decisions are forcing me into a situation I don't want to be in... but I'm not willing to give up what we've worked so hard for... it is tough, we all project our own opinions and experiences onto things, it is human nature.

Thanks for your explanation and apology Much appreciated

[Miss_Dee]

Ambersky, mentioning long day care reminded me of when I was working in Family Day Care. I worked in the office and entered the times sheets. There was one family who did seem to 'dump' their 3 kids in childcare. The kids were home with the carer more than they were with the parents. The week went something like the carer picked them up from school Monday, had them overnight, took them to school Tuesday, parents picked them up from school but then dropped them off at dinner time, stayed with the carer Tuesday night, dropped them to school Wednesday, parents pick them up and had them wednesday night then dropped them to school Thursday, parents picked them up then dropped them to the carer at dinner time, they stayed with the carer Thursday night, carer dropped them to school Friday and picked them up, had them Friday night, all day Saturday and Saturday night, then Sunday morning parents picked them up and had them Sunday night. It was really sad. Who knows the reason behind it, but hell would have to freeze over before I put my kids through that. One of the kids was in preschool too, so not even school aged.

[nothing2lose]

Ask anyone who works in Child protection...some children are infinitely better off spending as much time in childcare as they can.

[lady_neon]

Ambersky, mentioning long day care reminded me of when I was working in Family Day Care. I worked in the office and entered the times sheets. There was one family who did seem to 'dump' their 3 kids in childcare. The kids were home with the carer more than they were with the parents. The week went something like the carer picked them up from school Monday, had them overnight, took them to school Tuesday, parents picked them up from school but then dropped them off at dinner time, stayed with the carer Tuesday night, dropped them to school Wednesday, parents pick them up and had them wednesday night then dropped them to school Thursday, parents picked them up then dropped them to the carer at dinner time, they stayed with the carer Thursday night, carer dropped them to school Friday and picked them up, had them Friday night, all day Saturday and Saturday night, then Sunday morning parents picked them up and had them Sunday night. It was really sad. Who knows the reason behind it, but hell would have to freeze over before I put my kids through that. One of the kids was in preschool too, so not even school aged.

And that's what I was referring to really. How many families actually do that? Not very many! That sounds MUCH like the woman who initially got my knickers in a twist.

[PinkPalace]

I've never had a negative response to being a SAHM. Generally the response is either neutral or positive. Sorry you were given a hard time. !

I agree - the short time i didnt work i was never judged for being a SAHM.
Even though i only had 6 months off with each kids then back to work min. 1 day a week - everyone had their reasons.
Mine was not to loose my licence to practice and to keep my skills up for employability in the long term, i think perhaps you need to hang out in different circles of people.

those that judge have no spot in my little world xxx

[sushee]

Pfft, there will always be bad parents, working, not working, whatever.

I cannot imagine how putting your child in childcare is the easier of the two options if you're NOT one of the above 'bad parents'. I woke up at upgodly hours to make lunches, ran around dropping off at daycare, picking up from daycare, running home when he was sick, missing merit awards, mothers' days and assemblies, feeling the guilt of him being exhausted at the end of the day because he didn't get to be at home with me, plus, after a whole day at work, still had to grocery shop, cook, clean and manage a household, so all my son ever saw was tired mummy.

So whoever is telling you that you'll want to go back to work 'for your own sanity' is probably bordering on senile themselves if they can't remember how stressful it actually is to be a working mum. I sure as hell wouldn't have chosen it if it were up to me. Let me win lotto and be a SAHM anyday.

So I say, don't get offended, smile a smug little smile that says, you know what? I've got it good. So there.

[LuluHB]

I think this is just another one of the seemingly increasing list of subjects that mothers are criticised for - whatever their decision. If you work, you obviously don't give a damn about your kids and just want material things. If you stay at home, you're obviously brain dead with no ambition or life of your own.

I caught up with a gf on the weekend who has just gone back to work last week after maternity leave that was far too short - her bub was born in January. She is the sole income earner in her family. I asked her how it was to be back and she told me how she cries herself to sleep at night, and cries the whole way driving to work each morning. My heart breaks for her and the other mums like her who have the choice of how they spent their time taken away from them.

As a SAHM, I know I'm incredibly lucky. Its not always easy - either mentally, physically or financially but that's MY/our choice. I also know that for some amount of time on some days I would love to be back working part time because you we all do need some interests for ourselves. Its a balance, and some of us are lucky to be able to choose to balance the scales one way or the other. Some of us are forced to go in one direction or the other for any number of reasons. That sucks.

We're all individuals, and all mums trying to do what's right for our families and ourselves. Others should support that decision (or lack of decision as the case may be) and leave judgment and criticism out of it.

[Rowellen]

I hate leaving my baby girl at daycare. She cries & it breaks my heart. It's hard to leave DS too. He loves being there & needs the stimulation. But he wants me to stay & play with him.

Good on you for being able to be a SAHM. Enjoy it

[PinkPalace]

We're all individuals, and all mums trying to do what's right for our families and ourselves. Others should support that decision (or lack of decision as the case may be) and leave judgment and criticism out of it.

well said xx

[Fig]

A little off topic but why do people always say that SAHM are lucky? Our family has sacrificed a lot financially and I have sacrificed my career (& it was a good career and I loved it & miss it dearly). I don't see that as lucky, I see it as a lifestyle choice. I understand some people don't have a choice financially, but don't just assume that people who are SAHM have some luxury income, living the high life and they are lucky to be a lady of leisure and not have to work. Our family misses out on a lot of things so I can choose to stay at home with my kids while they are young. We sacrificed before they were born, by not having expensive holidays or hobbies so we would have funds to eat into in this stage of our life.

I don't judge those that return for work, whatever their reason, so I think that people need to stop judging SAHM as lucky and not understanding that when you have invested and given up a lot to make a choice, that is not lucky, it is a choice.