"You're not JUST a mother" - balancing self and mummy?

[Heaven]

She also said that she was worried at how much I'd thrown myself into motherhood.

Silly you. Didn't you know it's better to do a half-assed job?? What a ridiculous thing to say.

I actually don't find it hard to balance. This is a stage of my life and being a mother is part of my identity at the moment, just like being a student was, and being a wife etc etc. I have lots of things that make up me and I can add to them, or change them, and I am still me

[LuluHB]

I think, at least in my own experience, dealing with others' criticisms, advice and opinions in relation to how I parent is one of the most difficult things in maintaining friendships. I lost a very good friend last year because I ended up no longer putting up with her underhanded attacks - her view is that an indication of a good mother is one who raises her child in a way so that her pre-mother life continues unchanged with no impact on friendships and activities.

I do believe you need to achieve a balance between maintaining your own individual identity, and being Mum. The difficulty is that we all have a completely different idea of just what that balance is. For me, the vast majority of my time devoted to my children and being a mother is what is right. Do I miss some aspects of my pre-mother life? Absolutely. Do I wish I had more time for me? Absolutely. But I wouldn't be comfortable sacrificing what I consider to be the most important aspect of my life now just so I could go and play a game of tennis. I do enough to keep me happy, and every now and then I'll do more than normal if I'm feeling a little hard done by as an individual, but I love that my life revolves around my kids. My kids will only be this young and this eager to be actively involved with me to such a huge extent for such a small period of time.

[onthefly]

The mother-baby dyad is important, it's the cornerstone of the person your child will grow up to be. Being a mother and caring wholeheartedly for your children doesn't make you less of a person, or even a different person, necessarily, though it may mean you make changes to what you do with yourself day to day.

The first 2-3 years are incredibly intense, but it changes so quickly - DS is only just turning 4 and he's incredibly independent now. Our relationship has changed enormously in a very brief time. The bond, the nurturing - humans need that, it's just biology and the way we're designed to develop. I don't begrudge my kids that, but I also know that I"m important, too. I get time to do other things - more and more as they get older - it's that swing in the balance. When they're little, they need me physically, so much more, but they'll need me in other ways as they get older.

As a mum, my children's wellbeing is important to me - who would say otherwise? I try to create the conditions so they can thrive, and yes, my own happiness is tied up in that to some extent. But not wholly - aside from anything else, I can't actually guarantee that they'll be happy or well or safe. Not 100%. And as they get older they'll take on more and more responsibility for themselves. It feels a bit weird sometimes, letting go, but it also makes me proud, to see my DS out there, you know?

Sometimes as parents we do have to put things aside that we might otherwise want to do in order to care for our children. You can see that as sacrifice, if you want, or as losing yourself. I see it differently - it's a compromise made with good reason. Life is full of compromises, we make them all the time - some big, some small. Do you lose yourself every time you make one? Or do you rationalise that this is what I have to do right now? When circumstances are different, I'll do differently.....

I think a bigger problem for parents - and more often mums - is that they're all alone, overburdened and without help and support in their communities. That would leave you feeling lost, for sure. It's not motherhood, it's parenting in isolation that's the problem, really.

[wysiwyg]

This is a stage of my life and being a mother is part of my identity at the moment, just like being a student was, and being a wife etc etc. I have lots of things that make up me and I can add to them, or change them, and I am still me

Agree with this so much, I am still the same, I do different things now to I did pre being a mum, just like I did different things as a student to when I was in my mid twenties. Sometimes I have thrown myself into a job and people have warned me about time for myself, burnout etc etc, but as long as you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing, job, partying, motherhood etc does it matter if you get absorbed in it for a bit. I have found that often comment about losing yourself to motherhood etc come from people who really just would like to spend time with you, and feel they have dropped down in the pecking order a bit (probably they have but that can happen with new job, new relationships, moving etc etc).

I remember at a session with the MCHN when DD was about 14 weeks old, she said she wanted to hear one thing we had done for ourselves that week - I think I said having a coffee with a friend, she asked if baby was with us and I said yes - she seemed to think that, that wasn't a good enough thing to do for myself - had to be something like a pedicure or hairdresser, or nice long bath!!! Having coffee with a friend was hardly for the sake of the baby was it, and her "me time" things are just not things that I do, or have any real desire to do - I find it amusing that alot of the time there is even an expectation of what 'me time' should be for a mum - is my time and if the most enjoyable thing for me is to read BB while BF my son then that is good enough for me, or if I want to sew DD a T-Shirt - that is 'me time' too.