How to tell a friend who has been ttc for a while that you're pregnant?

**PocaDot** · May 7th, 2013, 04:41 PM

Hello again, just wanted to post this question for a general discussion and I guess some advice?!

My bestie and her HB have been TTC for 2 years this month. She has PCOS and to be honest has just hit hurdle after hurdle with her attempts to conceive. She is finally on some hormones to kick start her ovulation and she feels it's working so fingers crossed she won't be too long to follow.

I've just had good news at an 8 week scan after a bleed scare at 7 weeks. Hubby and I have decided to wait until after 12 week scan before we announce but I have been thinking about how I break the news to my friend.

I read a couple of conception books and one in particular said that she had been ttc for sometime and felt that it was a blow when she heard other friends good news and recommended an email so that the couple can have time to process it by themselves first before sending congratulations. This seems like a good idea and I get it but it also feels really impersonal as in I think my friend will wonder why I sent such exciting news in an email/text?!

I'm pretty sure she has guessed I'm pregnant so i don't think she will be suprised but I can only imagine how personally upset she will be. Has anyone else been in this situation or anyone have an opinion on how to approach this?

I am so happy and excited it's hard not to burst but I also don't want to 'rub' it in her face.

**Melbournemumma** · May 7th, 2013, 05:07 PM

I would tread gently and tell her over the phone maybe. This way she doesn't have to see your face so she doesn't feel she has to hide her feelings. Tell her that you understand that this isn't going to be easy for her to hear and you understand if she doesn't want to discuss and/or hear every detail of your pregnancy from you. Be prepared for her to be upset, but also be aware that she may be ok with hearing that you are pregnant.

Going forward wait for her to ask about your pregnancy. I understand you are excited and it's ok for you to be excited, but it's also ok for her to need to detach from your pregnancy a bit too.

Big

. It's a difficult situation all round.

**myturn** · May 7th, 2013, 05:15 PM

Personally I would be horrified to get that information by email or text. It's going to hurt whichever way you do it, but for me, I would feel that you had taken the cheats way to make it easier for yourself. Even though clearly you are being the most wonderful friend and actually thinking about her! Good on you!

I would prefer it face to face by myself with an acknowledgement that it will be hard, but with you being okay with tears if they come.
So if my friend organized a lunch or dinner somewhere private and says, "I know this might be really hard for you and I am sorry, I wanted to tel you in person and will totally understand if it hurts and if you cry. I know you really will he happy for me. I am pregnant."

I would love and appreciate the honesty and respect that came with that.

Ps congratulations! I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly x

**TeniBear** · May 7th, 2013, 05:20 PM

Myturn, there's a phone number at the end of your post, I'm guessing its not supposed to be there? I've "reported" it to mods so they can delete it for you if you don't notice quickly

Just thought you might not want it there... Doesn't fit the rest of the sentence so I'm fairly certain it's not supposed to be.

**LizLemon** · May 7th, 2013, 06:00 PM

I was in that position when I was TTC and my friend (well I thought she was) blurted out to me that she was pregnant in front of a whole bunch of people. To this day I am hurt that she hadn't done it more gently and considerately, especially when I had been confiding in her about our issues conceiving.

I would think the most considerate way is on the phone or preferably face to face, but somewhere just the two of you, ie not in a café, restaurant etc. I think you want to give her the ability to be happy for you and tell her face to face (as a best friend would ordinarily get to do) but also have it private enough that if she is upset she isn't exposed.

She will be very happy for you, but it will naturally be hard for her to hear. Good on you for being so considerate

**MummyNaomi** · May 7th, 2013, 09:43 PM

I think MyTurns advice is perfect. I know when we were struggling to conceive I found pg announcements devastating. I think doing it personally in private with her is the way to go, and is the most respectful

**myturn** · May 7th, 2013, 10:18 PM

Ps... I would also feel a phone call would be only to make it easier on yourself (I know that's not true, but in the moment that is how it would feel) after all, if its going to be hard for me, and it will be, every step... While I would be so so happy for you, it will be hard... So if its going to be hard for me.... Well... Unfair as this might be, I figure you can handle the uncomfortableness of seeing me cry... And maybe, just maybe, if you really care about me... You will cry to. Cause this sucks. It really sucks, and its unfair... But I love you more than I can say.... And I would appreciate you sharing my pain.. Just as I will share your joy.

At least... That is how it would feel for me.

And I cannot explain how much it means to me that you have thought so carefully about how to do this "right".

thankyou

**Amy_jellybean** · May 7th, 2013, 10:32 PM

Exactly what Myturn said. I would much prefer face to face and privately - not in front of other people.

DH and I had been trying for 4 years when my brother and SIL thought they would annouce it in the middle of lunch on xmas day. Needless to say I was very upset and had to put a fake smile on when I was gutted on the inside.

**kerbear** · May 7th, 2013, 11:07 PM

Talking from experience with this when my brothers wife got pregnant face to face is definately better. They know how long we have been trying with no success with anything so when we had the family gathering that he was announcing it at he took me out the front to tell me by himself then his wife came out. It was nice and gave me time to digest it as I knew all my other family members would look at me to see how I took it...which they did. He understood I was happy for him but also understood my tears.
I know for me I would hate for my friends or family to not feel they can share this with me, she will most likely have days where hearing about your pregnancy journey hurts to much but then other days where she is in a good place and can cope. I agree with the other ladies who have suggested letting her ask but also don't exclude her either. Good friends should be able to tell each other joe they feel and understand. All of my good friends that have gotten pregnant and had to tell me all understand, I just tell them the truth if I can't cope on certain days and they get and always say they could never imagine how it feels to be in my shoes.
Good luck Hun it's never an easy thing for either you or the person you are telling, tell her how much you have thought about the best way to tell her, it will mean alot xo

**murraycod** · May 7th, 2013, 11:10 PM

I was always offended when my close friends announced their pregnancies at 12weeks to me, when they knew I was going through round after round of IVF.
It felt like they had been lying to me for 12weeks, I always took it so personally!!
If situations were reversed, and they were a close friend that I always spoke to, I'd tell in private one on one, before I announced it to other people so they had time to process the news.... And before the 12week mark x

**Footsteps** · May 8th, 2013, 10:30 AM

I was always offended when my close friends announced their pregnancies at 12weeks to me, when they knew I was going through round after round of IVF.
It felt like they had been lying to me for 12weeks, I always took it so personally!!
If situations were reversed, and they were a close friend that I always spoke to, I'd tell in private one on one, before I announced it to other people so they had time to process the news.... And before the 12week mark x

I kind of understand it but for most people 12 weeks is the "safe" period. Iv had miscarriages and now wouldnt tell anyone except my oh and care givers until probably even futher than 12 weeks. Iv got alot of issues though. Its a hard situation.
Tbh no matter how i find out people are pregnant it still hurts but i see every pregnancy as a blessing.
Much love to all you lovely ladies TTC its a hard journey xxx

**Joeve** · May 8th, 2013, 10:44 AM

For me I found over the phone easiest. I could do the happy voice and then fall in a heap. Face to face was awful because I felt like my eyes gave my pain away. I used to call it face crack off. As in you smile til you feel like your face will crack off and it's hard work.
The thing I tried to remember as a long term ttc is that the person who is pregnant hasn't taken my turn so it's not about me. Still hard going though when at the time I felt like some of my friends rolled in sperm and didn't even DTD and got pregnant

**PocaDot** · May 8th, 2013, 06:47 PM

Thank you for all the replies it's really good to hear from people with experience. I guess the book I read which advised an email was suggesting that this would give the friend/couple private time to digest the news by themselves. However I would hope that we were close enough friends that she would be able to cry in front of me, god knows I've seen her in some sorry states!!

Maybe I will pop in after work one day for a cuppa to give her the news!

HB and I always agreed that when we fell pregnant we would wait the 12 weeks, I'm bursting at the seams now to tell now but hubby won't budge and certainly he wants our parents to be the first we tell, which kind of makes it difficult as they live the other side of the world so we have to hope to catch them at a convenient time!!

**raffy** · May 8th, 2013, 09:57 PM

I cant add anything that hasnt already been said, just want you to know youre not alone, a friend of mine has been ttc#2 for 2 years now, shes had 2 mc and one if them was ectopic and she ended up having her left tube removed. We officially start ttc this month and all 3 of my pg i have fallen first month, now im dreading that im going to have to tell her if we fall pg again quickly and she still hasnt. She is the most amazing person and i know she will be over the moon for us but i know, even though she'd never tell me, itll upset her. Weve put off ttc for personal reasons the last few months and ive been praying it happens for them before us, is that totally selfish? her and her dh are amazing and they deserve all the good things in life and its heart breaking that it isnt happening for them

**MLR1901** · May 8th, 2013, 10:22 PM

Just go gently with her.
If you are close friends you will understand it will be hard for her, but also if she's a close friend she'll understand that you wanted to be sensitive to her also.
Just be honest and sincere.

**Duchess** · May 9th, 2013, 01:19 PM

I have three friends been trying for 10 years plus
I tell them privately
I don't let them read on Facebook
But tell them as soon as you are comfortable as you know they would tell you ASAP too
Two of mine are so happy for me as I would be for them.

**Rosey** · May 9th, 2013, 03:16 PM

I found announcements face to face hard. It wouldn't have mattered who it was. I always needed to have a cry and process my own problems, as terribly selfish as that is.

If it were me I would phone. I would also say why you've chosen your mode of delivery and that you'd love to catch up in person when they are ready.

Wishing you all the best. You sound like a wonderful friend already considering her feelings, but don't forget your also entitled to be over the moon.

**Rouge** · May 9th, 2013, 04:34 PM

I think telling her why you have chosen delivery is SO important. No two people are the same. People might feel one on one confronting others might be offended by the one on one. As long as you make it clear you have her best interests at heart and its not about pity. But please do not tell her how she should feel. Because that can be hurtful too.