Morning all,

I just want to say Thankyou to everyone for your support. I have been feeling pretty down and really needed to think yesterday so didnt post. Thankfully my sister came over and we went out for the day, which helped get my mind of things which I also think i needed. I had cried most of the night Tuesday. Yesterday (I Know this is going to sound like a stupid thing to do} I told DH that if bub isnt ok and healthy that I would understand if he left. He is under enough stress with work and didnt want to add to it. Anyhow he just said he wasnt going anywhere and not to be stupid. Yet also said we need to think positive thoughts. I just said that it is so hard when they say these things, which plant the seed of doubt in your mind. He asked why they are starting up now and I showed him the u/s reports from this time and last time, then I showed him little V's ones so he could see how hers were. (I have them all set up in some folders, one from previous pg and one for this one. It was just easier to have it all set up like that especially with having so much in the way of records from U/S's and BT's etc. } I do have a history of small bubs, my oldest was born at 40wks weighing just 2.5kgs, and he is very petite in size, small boned etc, as is Little V who was only 2.38kg born by my dates 11days early. Yet they put her at 38wks born. So I am really clinging onto this, and praying really hard that bub is just small like my other two and thats it.
I am so not looking forward to the hospital stay at all now, especially after my experience with V and all the stress I was put through and what she was put through. I am honestly scared of going through the same this time. I am just not sure I have the energy for all that stress too. They had me in tears everyday throughout V's pgcy then everyday in hospital until I couldnt take it anymore and asked to go home, which they tried to delay. Yet got my way 5days later at 10pm at night. Even had the MW's home visits for more than a month several times a week (which I actually thought was pointless especially coinciding with the pead appts. Then on top of the pead appts and hospital appts for heart u/s's and kidney u/s's as well as GP appts we also had to see the Genetics Dr's once I was home with V, then all the rest since then with V.
I am so nervous even more now this time round especailly after seeing what V has gone through, yet also due to the GD and how it will affect bubs. I am just not sure how I am going to cope.
I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me that bubs is fine, and not to worry. Ive been trying to eat a heap of fatty foods to try and get bub to gain weight, yet it just plays with the GD. Stupid I know, yet I am picking at straws right now. No matter what i do it doesnt seem like anything is helping.
Maybe it is all my fault that bub is having difficulty growing, maybe I was just selfish wanting to bring another bub into my family. You know i thought to myself when they told me I needed Thyroid tablets, then had GD, then needed to be on insulin that, thats ok aslong as it is all me (my problems) not bubs problems, and that I can handle it being me, as long as bub is ok, I can handle everything they throw at me in regards to my health. (I am expecting alot of people to tell me I was selfish to bring another bub into the world now, especially if bub does have something wrong) The ones that I am thinking of arent even interested in this bub now, so wouldnt surprise me.

Anyway thanks for letting me ramble on everyone, and i am sorry again for the downer post. Just need to get this off my chest.