i am still feeling rather down and anxuios(depressed) about all of this.i had a good talk about my feelings with dh last night and he really understands but is just so positve and encouraging,but how do i stop feeling like this and begin seeing this as a wonderful,exciting,preciuos thing.i realy want to be excited and happy,but it is just not there,i try to talk myself into all the happy thoughts that come with this,then 10 minutes later i feel like my life is crumbling.i am a very active person and we get out of the house every day and i have alot of things to do with the other boys and there busy schedules.but i just feel like i am going to be so trapped and alone in my house with 2 small babies that are going to tire me out by lunch time,then i know by the time the kids get home from school i am going to be a lifless,exhausted and cranky person,this is not how i want to mother my children,i want to be energetic,and encouraging and be able to give them all everything they will need from me.i feel as though after trying to conquer all of this every day that at the end of it all i am going to suffer and so is my relationship with my dh,i will have nothing left in me to give to him or myself.this all sounds so selfish,but i want to be a bit selfish as i have been a very good mother for 11 years of my life and i just feel like i havnt got the energy left to do it anymore.i am enjoying chanteel immensly as she was a very planned and wanted baby,she is difficult at night so i know i am sleep deprived,what if the next one is the same,could i handle that agin.i try to tell myself that it isnt all that bad,i am doing it now anyway and it is ok,so what if i have another one to raise at the same time,atleast they will go through all of the milestaones of life together and before i know it they will both be at kinder and school at the same time.......oh i dont know,i wish i could wave a magic wand andmake me feel the same way about this baby as i have for all of my other children.i dont even want to tell anyone.i couldnt wait to share my joyous news with family and friends with my other children,,,,,this is all wrong and i dont like the way i am feeling,will it change,please tell me it will,i want to love this baby and love being pregnant.
nikki