Worried about MIL smoking around me and bubs

[Charlotte91]

Hey everyone!

A trip to go see my MIL (to-be!) is looming and I'm a bit worried.
Last time DP and I went to see MIL and her partner Rob I was 4 weeks preg and Rob smoked around me.
I'm worried because I know that they smoke in their house and I don't want to go see them if they're not going to respect me. Bubs has enough problems with the Gastroschisis, Oligohydramios, and low weight without adding secondhand smoke to it!
I know that DP will want to see them as soon as bub's is out of the hospital, but I'm so worried that he'll get sick from the smoke.
Knowing that bub is going to be in the neonatal unit for about a month after birth, I know that MIL will want to see him/her.
How do I tell her nicely that no-one except for DP and I will be holding bubs? I don't want to risk infection. The smoke will still be on their clothes...
I know that the typical excuses will come up. MIL smoked while preg with DP.

I know I sound paranoid, but I don't want anything else to go wrong with bubs.

Any comments are appreciated.

--Charlotte.

[*Efjay*]

You know what, you have every right for concern & I would be upfront & express those concerns with your MIL. BUT unfortunately if they smoke in the house, even if they smoke outside while you are there, you will still be exposed to the years of yuk that has built up in the house.

I wouldn't go LOL. Is it s visit? or a stay? Could your visit maybe happen at a park? If not, just do your best to spend as much time outdoors as possible & stand your ground on the no smoking around you or your baby. If they feel it is there right to smoke in their home (which I guess it is) but can't see the lack of the respect that shows then just leave the room/house when they do it. Its a hard one & hope they can be understanding enough.

[misty]

I remember the midwife having pamphlets and brochure about the effects of secondhand smoke on baby. I would perhaps arm yourself with these and give them to your MIL and tell her that you just don't feel comfortable unless she can follow your guidlines (ie, changing clothes and washing hand etc).
The big thing is you need to get you DH on side with this issue, so you can provide a united front. It is his mum, so he needs to bear the responsibility of handling her, so to speak.

Good luck.

[JLeigh29]

:yeahthat:

Couldn't have said it better - meet in a public place, stay somewhere else and don't let her or her partner hold bub. I hope your DP will support you on this issue; I know my MIL doesn't listen to me!

[Ryatha]

When I was pregnant with DD1 FIL was a very heavy smoker. I commented when I was pregnant that I could smell it when I was in their house and then told DH that I wouldn't take DD1 to their house if he continued to smoke. DH spoke to his mum and the next time we went there FIL had quit smoking and hasn't smoked a singel ciggarette since

I was lucky that my MIL understands that I was very concerned about the health risks and they made a change for the better. So asking outright sometimes does have a great result.

GL

[Charlotte91]

Thanks everyone!

To answer *efjay*, we would be staying with them. If I told DP that we weren't staying because of the smoke, I would still have to endure being at the house with them all day and only staying in a motel at night.

Thanks for everyone's help so far!
Its helped!

[nickle730]

My MIL (who is a stubborn cow!) smokes and we had this issue when my DD was born. Not only at her house... but mine too and DH and I don't smoke! Easy enough to manage at my house - 'put your cigarette out, you CAN NOT smoke in my house'. Much harder to deal with at her house. I asked her nicely if she would mind not smoking PLEASE when we were visiting and I explained to her all the risks to DD by being exposed to smoke. Her response was 'It's my house and I'll do as I please'. My DH has never stood up to his mother and pussy footed around the issue. I used to take my DD outside when MIL smoked and fume with anger and resentment.

One day, my MIL was HOLDING my DD when she lit up a cigarette (at her house). I took my DD from her and said ' I've asked you not to smoke around her and you stand there and light up a fag while you're holding her? Who do you think you are?' Her response, 'I'm the lady of this house (yep... seriously) and I will do as I please'. So I responded with, ' and I'm her mother and I'll do as I please. DH, your mother can choose to smoke in her own home - I can choose not to bring my DD here. I'm leaving... are you coming?' DH quickly packed up our stuff whilst I flounced off to the car... and I refused to go back there for several months - until DH dealt with her mother and she agreed to only smoke outside if we were visiting. She's still a stubborn cow and I visit as rarely as I can, the house stinks like an ashtray. Anyway... you can't make Rob stop smoking in his own home, but you CAN refuse to visit their house or to allow him to hold your bub if he does smoke. And I agree with the PP's - you need to get your DH on board NOW on this issue.

AS for no one holding your bub in the NICU or SCN, get the MW's on side early, tell them what you want and they can deal with any visitor's so that you can focus on your bub.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

My Nan smokes BUT she is more than happy NOT TOO even in her own home when people visit.
We let her know in advance that we are coming so she starts smoking outside say a week before, makes sure the house is Vac'd and dusted, washes her hands and brushes her teeth before we get there.. i'm almost certain she changes her clothes too.

I would strongly advise that you mention to MIL the issues with bub, mention that bub will be very sensitive to smoke etc and for that reason when he/she is born only parents will be allowed to nurse or touch him/her (lie and say hosp rules).
Also mention that once out of hospital the Dr's have told you to be very careful, bub is NOT to be around smoke or other 'allregins' (prob more believable if it's not JUST smoking KWIM) and should they want to visit they will need to be wearing clean clothes and cannot smoke near him/her.

Not suer if that will help, just mention you have bubs best interests at heart and these are the rules.

[Charlotte91]

It's definately helped!
At least I know that I'm not just being paranoid, and I'm not the only who feels the way I do.
Will have to have a talk with DP tonight. Unfortunately when it comes to confronting someone he can be a bit of a sook and likes to please everyone.
I, on the other hand, don't mind coming off as a complete cow when it comes to the health of my baby.
No-one will be holding bubs in hospital! My folks are completely fine with it and understand. My mum was actually the one that got me thinking about different things to cut down the risk of infection.
I know that its not going to be easy. I know that Rob will probably crack it when I mention the smoking and me not wanting to be around him because of it. But, bub comes first.
Bub will always come first and I'm not going to risk him/her getting sick because I "didn't want to upset anyone".

Thanks again!

[appletree]

The one and only time that we have asked PIL to look after DD we came home and found our house stinking of cigar smoke... WTF? FIL has never smoked in our house while we are there, so why would he do it why we aren't there.

Honestly, i would stay as far away as possible, its just not fair on your kids. Your no.1 job as a parent is to protect them, don't accept any excuses from the in-laws.

[luna moth]

I told MIL and FIL when I was 16 weeks that I wouldn't be having any smokers handling the baby. At all. MIL has quit, she was going to anyway. FIL understands, and we had quite a good conversation about it. He knows that this isn't just a ploy from us to try to get him to quit - this is something that we truly believe in. I don't know what he really thinks at the moment - he may think that we're not serious, and we'll change our minds down the track, but I won't. This is not about him, and it's not an attack, it's just me being very protective.

[Traveller]

I had a similar issue with my mother. We went to visit when my twins were a few months old and although I had asked her (nicely) not to smoke in the house, she was lighting up once the babies were in bed. The smoke clung to everything in the house and my boytwin (who has health issues) became very sick. Although my mothers instinct had been not to stay with her my desire not to offend won and I let my child become sick as a result.

The next visit I said that I understood it was her house and respected her right to smoke, but that I could not expose my child to that. She was a teensy bit offended at first but she got over it and it hasn't affected our relationship.

As for smokers holding your child in the SCBU, you are absolutely right to worry about this. Your DH's family may whine and moan, maybe talk about you behind your back, but in the end your main job is to protect your child and on some level they will understand that.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy

xoxo

[~*familyof3*~]

im just plain against it i would simply be a cow and say look if you smaoke in the home or near my child i will leave and i wont come back and then if you wish to visit it will be in my home with my rules. This is a child's health not a toy and she should respect that and if she cant then she does not get the right to be a part of it.

[luna moth]

Maybe the new warning on cigarette packets could be "Caution: May cause family members to deny you access to your grandchildren."

[Yarrawin]

I agree with a lot of what has been said above. Sorry, but I don't have a useful contribution I just wanted to say thanks for asking this question. After our baby is born the three of us are moving to the UK and until our stuff arrives from Australia we will be living with my DH's parents. FIL and BIL both smoke and I have been really worried about how to handle this issue, this has been a really helpful thread even though the situation isn't quite the same!

[Charlotte91]

I'm glad its helped!!

Tried to talk to DP about it. He doesnt see any problem with me staying with MIL while pregnant and got grumpy when I said that bubs and I wouldn't be staying with her.
I said that he could, but bub and I wouldn't be. I bought up bub's health issues and said that bub's health comes first.
He asked if that means that I would never stay with her and I said yes. He thinks that she'll smoke outside while we're there, but I know her partner won't.
DP won't speak anymore on the subject. He walked out of the room when I was trying to talk to him. I've never seen him get upset like that before.
What should I do?? What points should I make??
Bub's health comes first and I'm not going to jeopardize that.

Thanks again!

[Yarrawin]

I'm glad its helped!!

Tried to talk to DP about it. He doesnt see any problem with me staying with MIL while pregnant and got grumpy when I said that bubs and I wouldn't be staying with her.
I said that he could, but bub and I wouldn't be. I bought up bub's health issues and said that bub's health comes first.
He asked if that means that I would never stay with her and I said yes. He thinks that she'll smoke outside while we're there, but I know her partner won't.
DP won't speak anymore on the subject. He walked out of the room when I was trying to talk to him. I've never seen him get upset like that before.
What should I do?? What points should I make??
Bub's health comes first and I'm not going to jeopardize that.

Thanks again!

All I can say is stand your ground, honey. I haven't had to deal with that one yet, but know I will. Maybe you could speak to your ob or a midwife about what being in a smokey house would do and then give that info to your DH? Or maybe they could have a word with both of you (on your request but unknown to your DH) about the importance of not exposing bubs to smoke?

I reckon I'd flatten my DH if he did what yours has done, but then my lovely pregnancy hormones have made me rather scary!

[Lana]

Do some Googling about third hand smoke and babies. This will provide you with evidence to give your DP about the effects of the chemicals in cigarettes on babies. It is not just when someone is smoking around the baby but the residue left on furniture, clothes and skin (eg hands holding your baby) hours even days after and that newborns are susceptible to low levels of these toxins.

Maybe also reassure him it's not that you don't want your baby to have a relationship with his Mum it's just the smoking that it the issue.

Tricky situation good luck!