Couldn't have said it better - meet in a public place, stay somewhere else and don't let her or her partner hold bub. I hope your DP will support you on this issue; I know my MIL doesn't listen to me!
When I was pregnant with DD1 FIL was a very heavy smoker. I commented when I was pregnant that I could smell it when I was in their house and then told DH that I wouldn't take DD1 to their house if he continued to smoke. DH spoke to his mum and the next time we went there FIL had quit smoking and hasn't smoked a singel ciggarette since
I was lucky that my MIL understands that I was very concerned about the health risks and they made a change for the better. So asking outright sometimes does have a great result.
To answer *efjay*, we would be staying with them. If I told DP that we weren't staying because of the smoke, I would still have to endure being at the house with them all day and only staying in a motel at night.
My MIL (who is a stubborn cow!) smokes and we had this issue when my DD was born. Not only at her house... but mine too and DH and I don't smoke! Easy enough to manage at my house - 'put your cigarette out, you CAN NOT smoke in my house'. Much harder to deal with at her house. I asked her nicely if she would mind not smoking PLEASE when we were visiting and I explained to her all the risks to DD by being exposed to smoke. Her response was 'It's my house and I'll do as I please'. My DH has never stood up to his mother and pussy footed around the issue. I used to take my DD outside when MIL smoked and fume with anger and resentment.
One day, my MIL was HOLDING my DD when she lit up a cigarette (at her house). I took my DD from her and said ' I've asked you not to smoke around her and you stand there and light up a fag while you're holding her? Who do you think you are?' Her response, 'I'm the lady of this house (yep... seriously) and I will do as I please'. So I responded with, ' and I'm her mother and I'll do as I please. DH, your mother can choose to smoke in her own home - I can choose not to bring my DD here. I'm leaving... are you coming?' DH quickly packed up our stuff whilst I flounced off to the car... and I refused to go back there for several months - until DH dealt with her mother and she agreed to only smoke outside if we were visiting. She's still a stubborn cow and I visit as rarely as I can, the house stinks like an ashtray. Anyway... you can't make Rob stop smoking in his own home, but you CAN refuse to visit their house or to allow him to hold your bub if he does smoke. And I agree with the PP's - you need to get your DH on board NOW on this issue.
AS for no one holding your bub in the NICU or SCN, get the MW's on side early, tell them what you want and they can deal with any visitor's so that you can focus on your bub.
My Nan smokes BUT she is more than happy NOT TOO even in her own home when people visit.
We let her know in advance that we are coming so she starts smoking outside say a week before, makes sure the house is Vac'd and dusted, washes her hands and brushes her teeth before we get there.. i'm almost certain she changes her clothes too.
I would strongly advise that you mention to MIL the issues with bub, mention that bub will be very sensitive to smoke etc and for that reason when he/she is born only parents will be allowed to nurse or touch him/her (lie and say hosp rules).
Also mention that once out of hospital the Dr's have told you to be very careful, bub is NOT to be around smoke or other 'allregins' (prob more believable if it's not JUST smoking KWIM) and should they want to visit they will need to be wearing clean clothes and cannot smoke near him/her.
Not suer if that will help, just mention you have bubs best interests at heart and these are the rules.
It's definately helped!
At least I know that I'm not just being paranoid, and I'm not the only who feels the way I do.
Will have to have a talk with DP tonight. Unfortunately when it comes to confronting someone he can be a bit of a sook and likes to please everyone.
I, on the other hand, don't mind coming off as a complete cow when it comes to the health of my baby.
No-one will be holding bubs in hospital! My folks are completely fine with it and understand. My mum was actually the one that got me thinking about different things to cut down the risk of infection.
I know that its not going to be easy. I know that Rob will probably crack it when I mention the smoking and me not wanting to be around him because of it. But, bub comes first.
Bub will always come first and I'm not going to risk him/her getting sick because I "didn't want to upset anyone".
The one and only time that we have asked PIL to look after DD we came home and found our house stinking of cigar smoke... WTF? FIL has never smoked in our house while we are there, so why would he do it why we aren't there.
Honestly, i would stay as far away as possible, its just not fair on your kids. Your no.1 job as a parent is to protect them, don't accept any excuses from the in-laws.
I told MIL and FIL when I was 16 weeks that I wouldn't be having any smokers handling the baby. At all. MIL has quit, she was going to anyway. FIL understands, and we had quite a good conversation about it. He knows that this isn't just a ploy from us to try to get him to quit - this is something that we truly believe in. I don't know what he really thinks at the moment - he may think that we're not serious, and we'll change our minds down the track, but I won't. This is not about him, and it's not an attack, it's just me being very protective.
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