More then just a "nevous first time dad"

[*Efjay*]

First of all this is baby number 4!

I need some suggestions on how to help DH get a handle on his anxiety issues.
DH has suffered with an anxiety disorder pretty much all his life. His mind will grab a hold of silly things & then worry about them. He knows that most of the things he obsesses over are silly & he can tell when its just his anxiety messing with his head.

But he doesn't handle pregnancy well. I can't convince him that he needs to stop obsessing over it. We have done this 3 times now & each time the end result is a healthy Mum & healthy Bub. Last pregnancy was really hard for him, I think it was the worst one for him. simply because it lasted so long. His real anxiety hits in the weeks leading up to the birth, so say from 36 weeks till birth, then Isla was 12 days over due so the poor bugger was living on edge for 6 weeks!

This time round the anxiety has hit early, I think he is a little run down anyway so its made him more vulnerable to the anxiety. Last night he told me he was scared & when I asked about what all he could answer me with was the baby. Nothing in particular just the baby.

We have no concerns with this pregnancy, I have like a 1 in 16,000 chance of downs etc, we have a very healthy boy growing inside. He really has nothing to be worried about.

Anxiety isn't a simple thing to deal with as I am sure many of you know. He isn't on any medications, has been in the past but they only add to his anxiety as he then worries about becoming addicted to them.
He uses meditation as his main coping method, but Im not sure he has been doing this of late.

Are there services available to the father to be for this sort of thing? I mean if it was me, I would talk to my midwife. But who does DH talk too?

[fionas]

Hi FionaJill

Has he ever tried cognitive behavioural therapy? That's used to treat anxiety if he doesn't want to use meds - and it sounds like it's not hugely interfering with his life so therapy rather than meds could be the go.

Basically it teaches you different ways of dealing with your anxiety by challenging each anxious thought you have ie. when you're starting to worry about something, say the birth, it would teach you to counter it with all the evidence why not to worry.

It doesn't work on everyone - I was a bit too far gone when I was depressed, but it might work on your DH and would be useful as an ongoing tool if anxiety is something he butts up against every day.

[Sammiejane]

Hi fiona,

Have a chat with your CMHN, there are usually services avaiable to Dads and Men.... these are usually run by the council, not sure if they specifialy target pregnancy, but i know there are heaps of services out there.

The other thing is to talk to your GP... he may need a couple of sessions with a psychologist, if he has a 'mental health plan' with the GP these sessions are pretty much free or very low cost. A good way of finding the root of the problem and also providing your DH with some coping stratigies....

Good luck and congrats on pg #4

[Muppity]

FJ I think that a session with a psychologist wouldn't do him any harm. I know he works hard and it may be difficult for him to find the time but I think if he is already anxious about this bub then it may be significantly worse by the time it gets closer to the birth.

Coping with his anxiety must be hard on you some times and maybe suggesting to him that if he goes and talks to someone about it then life may be a little bit easier for everyone, but mainly focussing on how wonderful you want this to be and how you want him to be excited about the bub.

Good luck

[~Kaz~]

Hi FionaJill,

You are so right - anxiety is not easy to deal with precisely because it doesn't follow the rules of logic! It will not matter one bit that this is baby number 4. I agree with the others who have replied, some CBT sounds like a good idea and a GP can refer him to a medicare registered psychologist in your area. I notice you are in the Blue Mountains - there used to be some type of mens centre at Wentworth Falls - it was upstairs and fronted onto the GWH. Not sure if it is stil there but perhaps if you are in the upper mountains it might be worth checking out.

If your DH resists going to see someone there are some great self help books out there with self paced treatment strategies that are written for 'clients' in everyday language. I think encouraging him to meditate again and take time out each day to relax is also a good idea.

Goodluck!

ETA - Its called the Blue Mountains Centre for Men and does counselling and psychotherapy. (Not sure what theoretical stance they take though).

[Willow]

FJ - I totally agree that seeing a psychologist can help immensely! It made a huge difference to my anxiety levels after DS was born. If he hasn't tried it before, I think it's definitely worth a shot. I wish I'd started during my prg, things probably wouldn't have gotten to the point they did if I got on top of it earlier.

Get a referral from your GP, as Sammiejane said, on the mental health care scheme you can claim a fair bit of the cost back from medicare.

I can recommend a fantastic clinical psychologist in Penrith if you need it (male too if that makes DH feel a bit better). PM me if you're interested, although it might be a bit far for him to travel.

[Lulu]

Maybe you/he can call the Mens Helpline? They can surely give you places to start with, or even a reassuring chat...

[*Efjay*]

Thank you for all the replies girls.

Dh has seen a psychologist before. It was however a good 10 years ago. This was when he first learnt of his disorder as it had gotten so out of hand it was ruling his life. But once he had it recognised & got help with dealing with it, he realised he had been suffering all his life, his earliest memory of an anxiety attack was when he was only 8 yrs old. It runs in his family also but was only discussed when DH told his parents about his suffering. Then it comes out that his Dad is the same, so his uncle & the list goes on! Unfortantly we are also seeing the signs in Evan already but are confident he wont suffer like DH did as we will help him & not push it aside like DH's family did. But anyway thats another post!

I think he will benefit from speaking with someone again. He got a lot from it the first time he had sessions 10yrs ago. Back then our hurdle was paying for it, now its finding the time. He works 6 days a week. But I think he needs to put himself first a little & arrange times he can leave early or start late etc.

Its the pregnancy at the moment because thats an easy thing for the anxiety to play on. But if I wasn't pregnant it would be something else. He & I could both see it starting again before I was pregnant.

It isn't ruling his life yet but I think its heading that way. I know he is run down with work but over the last week or so, he seems a little depressed also. Like yesterday when I called to tell him the sex of the baby, he sort of just said "Oh ok" . when I asked why the not so excited reply he just said he didn't know what I was on about. I know he is tired & tired of riding in the wet to work. His job is a little dull at the moment so I know his days a pretty boreing also.

hmmm I know the pregnancy isn't the cause of this. I also know if we get his focus off the pregnancy the anxiety will just pick something else.

hmmmm i think I will need to have a good chat with im tonight.

eta - cognitive behavioural therapy I'm prettue sure he has done this back when when he first got help... I will ask him

[Mumma2three]

Just coming from an anxiety disorder background, I have discovered something that I think I've been looking for for the last 17 years (since my anxiety started). A keneisiologist. I haven't had sessions yet but the Dr is sure she can help me. My daughter is also seeing her for allergies, but the connection that she deals with between mind and body is truly amazing and I can't wait to begin.
I know how frustrating anxiety is and those thoughts that are ridiculous but you just can't keep them away. Maybe if you see if there's a keneisiologist in your area.
Good luck,xoxo

[Willow]

FJ - if it helps, the place I went in Penrith does evening and Saturday appts.

[*Efjay*]

FJ - if it helps, the place I went in Penrith does evening and Saturday appts.

Thanks Willow, I will talk to DH tonight & see how he feels about seeking some professional support.

Web, I will suss out this keneisiologist stuff thanks.

Someone mentioned a men's centre in the blue Mts, thank you but I am on the hawkesbury side so its a bit out of the way.

[DiannaQ]

How about a Naturopath?? - I have personally been down this long, winding and overwhelming road and swear the only thing that worked was natural therapies - not addictive and I felt great in a short period of time - if he can get his hands on some SAME (from health food store) this will help until he sees someone who can do a full analysis - this stuff is amazing to the point where I even have books on the product - it is used alot in Europe and I believe that in Italy they recommend this over any other anti-depresents - anything is worth a go - hope he starts to feel better real soon

[Mumma2three]

You could also get some Rescue Remedy for immediate use. CAn help (never helped my degree of anxiety, but I know it helps alot of people).x ox

[*Efjay*]

Funny enough Dh use to use that as well as one I made up from teh other bach flowers that was more taylored to what his needs where. I may need to track down what I was using Ithink.
Thanks for the reminder!