Hi Meggles,
I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time. I suffered from GAD for most of my life until years of treatment and medication got me in a better place a few years ago. With my first pregnancy the GAD came back and I felt a lot of the things you have described, which was really awful after feeling great before that. I felt like I was going mad. I ended up having a miscarriage at 10 weeks, the day after the D&C I woke up and felt normal again - no GAD at all. What this told me was that it was so much to do with my hormones & was temporary. The first trimester is the worst for that I think. It is great that you are reaching out to get help - keep talking to people about how you feel if you can. Have you tried to do some visualisations or calming exercises? Whatever helps you to get through - meds, therapy or joining a group. Maybe your hospital has a support group?
big hugs to you, I hope upping your meds kicks in and you start to feel better really soon. But you are doing so well by talking and reaching out. I think we all worry about the big picture (can I cope as a Mum? etc), but maybe it would be helpful to think just this minute for now. By looking after yourself you are being a great Mum already.
:hugs:
The last 3 weeks have been hell. I have been waking up every morning increasingly earlier than the day before. Today it was 3:30am.
That wouldn't be so bad if I could fall back asleep, but I can't. I just lie there desperate and half dozing for the next few hours.
Then the anxiety kicks in. And I'm HYSTERICAL. Freaking the **** out. Went to see a psych at the Mother Baby unit at a hospital in town last week and she referred me to the local Mental Health Unit to be admitted because I was just falling apart and needed more intensive every-day help than just a couple of 1hr psych visits a week.
They rang the next day to say they have a bed available but I said to leave it for now, so they'll keep me on the waiting list.
Why did I turn it down??
I was feeling kinda ok that day?? The mornings have been the worst, but I'd not been feeling anything. I had one flutter of my heart racing when I thought "do I really want a baby" but otherwise, I wasn't hysterical like every other day. Every other day I've been beside myself, desperately hysterical, cant stop the thoughts.
I was saying to my husband earlier that all I've ever wanted was a baby. I used to cry for ages when we weren't ready to try for a baby yet.
So why am I afraid now that I don't want one? All of the effort involved. I guess cause it's FOREVER. You can't change your mind or give it back. It's a baby/toddler/child/teen/adult. Always needing you in some capacity.
I mean I've never had fears about being a good mum. I've been round babies plenty and am somewhat confident in my skills. But I just worry that the baby will come and I'll want to be selfish and live my childless life. Which is silly really, because we don't go out partying or anything - we're real nanna's - we go to bed at 9 on Friday nights for goodness sake! I'm not going to be losing my active social life.
But I know I couldn't cope with terminating - I don't want to.
I try telling myself that lots of people have these fears, and once baby is born I'll be madly in love with it, like everybody else seems to be. I just don't want to feel like this the whole pregnancy. It's horrible feeling like I don't want to be pregnant/have my baby.
Have even had a few friends confess that in their pregnancies they had similar thoughts - even ones as extreme as kind of hoping they'd miscarry so the anxiety and sickness would go away. As much as it's a horrible thing to think, I'm glad that some of my friends were brave enough to say what I'm sure lots and lots of women actually think, but just won't admit
I know deep inside I DO want a baby - of course I do. What's the alternative? Just being childless forever? No. That's not me. I want a baby.
I just feel trapped though.
My mum reckons that maybe it's my mind protecting me because of the last 2 losses. That maybe if I think I dont want it, then if I lose it, I wont be upset.
Was okay for a few days ... still on edge, but not freaking out.
BUT! I had a pretty bad day with my anxiety yesterday. Wish this crap would go away - it's so frightening and REAL when you're in the moment. Ugh. Mental illness sucks.
Morning sickness wise it's still pretty mild - just feeling a bit off/nauseas/empty in the stomach.
Wish I had of gone to hospital.
I have my OB appointment today so I'll get a scan. Will let you know how it goes.
Ultrasound confirmed a missed miscarriage again - going to hospital to have a D&C on Friday.
Hubby and I are getting blood tests done to check our chromosomes and stuff too, in case there's a problem, because we fall pregnant easily but just can't STAY pregnant.
I'm okay though. Had my cry and sulk. If I can see ANY positive in a horrible situation it's that now I guess I can take time to work out my anxiety before we try again.
Thanks for caring guys. It really does mean alot x
Last edited by Meggles; November 23rd, 2010 at 12:30 PM.
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i'm sorry for your loss meggles. i hope you get some answers and that you have the time you need to work on your anxiety.
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