Big update -

The last 3 weeks have been hell. I have been waking up every morning increasingly earlier than the day before. Today it was 3:30am.

That wouldn't be so bad if I could fall back asleep, but I can't. I just lie there desperate and half dozing for the next few hours.

Then the anxiety kicks in. And I'm HYSTERICAL. Freaking the **** out. Went to see a psych at the Mother Baby unit at a hospital in town last week and she referred me to the local Mental Health Unit to be admitted because I was just falling apart and needed more intensive every-day help than just a couple of 1hr psych visits a week.

They rang the next day to say they have a bed available but I said to leave it for now, so they'll keep me on the waiting list.


Why did I turn it down??

I was feeling kinda ok that day?? The mornings have been the worst, but I'd not been feeling anything. I had one flutter of my heart racing when I thought "do I really want a baby" but otherwise, I wasn't hysterical like every other day. Every other day I've been beside myself, desperately hysterical, cant stop the thoughts.

I was saying to my husband earlier that all I've ever wanted was a baby. I used to cry for ages when we weren't ready to try for a baby yet.

So why am I afraid now that I don't want one? All of the effort involved. I guess cause it's FOREVER. You can't change your mind or give it back. It's a baby/toddler/child/teen/adult. Always needing you in some capacity.

I mean I've never had fears about being a good mum. I've been round babies plenty and am somewhat confident in my skills. But I just worry that the baby will come and I'll want to be selfish and live my childless life. Which is silly really, because we don't go out partying or anything - we're real nanna's - we go to bed at 9 on Friday nights for goodness sake! I'm not going to be losing my active social life.

But I know I couldn't cope with terminating - I don't want to.

I try telling myself that lots of people have these fears, and once baby is born I'll be madly in love with it, like everybody else seems to be. I just don't want to feel like this the whole pregnancy. It's horrible feeling like I don't want to be pregnant/have my baby.

Have even had a few friends confess that in their pregnancies they had similar thoughts - even ones as extreme as kind of hoping they'd miscarry so the anxiety and sickness would go away. As much as it's a horrible thing to think, I'm glad that some of my friends were brave enough to say what I'm sure lots and lots of women actually think, but just won't admit

I know deep inside I DO want a baby - of course I do. What's the alternative? Just being childless forever? No. That's not me. I want a baby.

I just feel trapped though.

My mum reckons that maybe it's my mind protecting me because of the last 2 losses. That maybe if I think I dont want it, then if I lose it, I wont be upset.

Was okay for a few days ... still on edge, but not freaking out.


BUT! I had a pretty bad day with my anxiety yesterday. Wish this crap would go away - it's so frightening and REAL when you're in the moment. Ugh. Mental illness sucks.

Morning sickness wise it's still pretty mild - just feeling a bit off/nauseas/empty in the stomach.

Wish I had of gone to hospital.

I have my OB appointment today so I'll get a scan. Will let you know how it goes.