Pregnant and anxiety disorder is rearing it's head

**Meggles** · November 3rd, 2010, 10:51 AM

Hey Guys

I'm feeling really anxious about being pregnant (thanks depression and anxiety disorder.)

What if after all the trying I'm really not ready? What if I can't handle giving up all of my time and energy for a baby. This is forever, not just when they're a baby.. Forever. 24/7.

I feel like such a bad person for feeling like this.

I have a history of depression and generalised anxiety disorder. When the anxiety hits me bad, it messes me up BIG time. For those who've never experienced anxiety it's the most frightening thing in the world. The rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts, but I'll be damned if it's not utterly terrifying.

I've been on antidepressants forever. They worked great until a couple of years ago when I got really sick with anxiety for like a month or two - really really bad. The doctor upped my dose and I was fine again. I've had the odd moment of anxiety but have been able to talk myself through it.

But I guess the pregnancy hormones are ****ing with me.

A bit of history if you can be bothered reading it:

The breakdown a few years ago that I mentioned, was big. I was sobbing and screaming hysterically in bed most days, crying all day, just freaking the **** out. As I said before, the worst bit about anxiety is that the intelligent rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts and that people get through it all the time, but ****kkkk it's the most terrifying thing.

I wasn't afraid of anything in particular - just OF the actual anxiety. Afraid that it wasn't going to go away, that I'd be like this every day, that I'd eventually have to die to make it stop (wasn't suicidal - didn't WANT to die, just thought this was the only way). It's such a vicious circle - you're afraid of being anxious any more, so you become more anxious and it keeps on going.

I went to hospital a couple of times, and was almost hoping to be admitted to the psych ward just so I could be somewhere safe where they knew how to help. It was by far one of the scariest times of my life.

So yesterday when it kicked in, I was like "oh no, not at again, I can't do this again" .. but by afternoon I'd settled down a lot. Still a bit on edge, but not freaking out or anything. And now (tis the next morning here) I'm again a bit on edge but not freaking out. Part of me is kind of proud of myself for getting through it and being okay, but the other part wonders if that's true or if it's just settled for the moment and is going to come back full force.

All I've ever wanted was a baby and to be a Mum. I have heaps of experience with babies and kids, and helped to raise my now 12 year old brother, so I'm not in the dark at all in regards to the work involved.

But this is the first time it's frightened me. It's FOREVER. It's so full on. Once my husband goes back to work after the first few weeks I'll be at home all day with the baby. What if I get PPD? What if I get the anxiety and can't cope?

I don't want to be someone who runs out on my family and my baby, or who ends up stuck in bed freaking out all day or hospitalised while he's at home looking after the baby along.

I went to the GP yesterday and he gave me a referral to the mental health people at the ED so I can get some help straight away, rather than waiting a couple of weeks for a private psych appt. But I'm not in the midst of the bad anxiety right now so I feel stupid going. But then if it kicks in tomorrow, when I don't have the day off work... blah. I don't know.

Argh. **** this.

I've been okay for a while, I'm SO so so afraid it's not going to go away again. I can't feel like this every day, I just can't.

I'm so afraid. What if it doesn't go away when I have the baby, or it comes back full force? What if I can't cope or look after the baby or I don't want the baby, or I freak out and run away or lose the plot and end up hospitalised or something.

Oh jesus, I can't handle this.

**luna moth** · November 3rd, 2010, 11:35 AM

Congrats on this pregnancy.

I remember being where you are. I still remember thinking "oh, god, can't do this" before every appointment, and nearly vomiting before the dating scan because I just couldn't face the prospect of everything not being OK. And even when everything was, it didn't go away, which surprised me. I had huge troubles with every blood test because of that same feeling. It affected me physically. Honestly, all it took for me was to know that someone else had been there and come out OK, and that seemed to work, better than any other statistic, or test, or reassurance from anyone. But that mightn't work for you.

Don't feel dumb about going to see anyone, regardless of what state you're in at the time. Seing someone when you're well is actually a great idea, because you can get some strategies to help you cope if you do start to slide. Also, there may be a program in your hospital or area specifically for ANDA, or someone in your position.

This is not time to be shy about using the resources available to you. Take a deep breath, and take that step. Thinking of you!

***Sparklez*** · November 3rd, 2010, 11:40 AM

hun, u are in a very difficult place right now and i understand completely i was diagnosed with bipolar just over 10 months ago and it was ruining my life n my marriage... im not on meds now cause for once im in a good place in my life and also due to being preg,,
Hun when u are pregnant, it is soooooooooooo natural to have feelings of underestimating urself and the doubts of being a parent i honeslty think u are never ready to have a baby if u have never had one but it is the most natural force that can take over u...
U have to breathe in and look at everything and evaluate what is the main priorities and what u need to do first and to ME u need to get urself in that GOOD place... the hosp will help u out with counselling n dr's to help u cope with these feelings...
U dont have to do it alone and hun, if u ever ever need anyone to talk to PM me or even post on here...xoxoxox remember just breathe.. ur baby is the most precious gift u will ever get n u will be a great mum

**Meggles** · November 3rd, 2010, 08:46 PM

Hey guys

Thanks for the replies. I went to the ED today and saw the psych. Talked a little bit and he thinks I'm gonna be just fine.

I'm going to organise some regular counselling, like weekly or something, to get some steps in place to cope if the anxiety comes back.

I'm going to be okay.

***Sparklez*** · November 3rd, 2010, 08:51 PM

meggles of course u are.. n ur going to be a great mother too!!!

its good to take control early that way it doesnt slip through the cracks without u noticing before its too late... u sound like a strong woman i know u will be ok
just remember u ever doubt urself, feel down, or just need to scream or cry or laugh jump on n u will have an ear n a shoulder to lean on!!! ur never alone!! xoxx

THANKS BB

**sasha** · November 4th, 2010, 03:13 PM

I haven't had anxiety but have a close friend who has. He said it's terrifying, I can only imagine.

What I wanted to say was: even 'normal' pregnant women often feel that they cannot cope. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not?!!

So definitely talk to the counsellor, because having someone else go through your feelings with you helps you get perspective on them, and as you say, the coping mechanisms for if the anxiety comes back would be very helpful.

Just know that everyone feels this way at some point - not to diminish the anxiety, at all, just I mean, we all get overwhelmed and feel like we won't be able to do it. I bet all of the parents you've met (even your own) have had moments where they wonder what they got themselves into.* You will be able to do it. Luckily, as they grow, so do you. You learn on the way, by doing it, and you get better at it. It's tiring to start with, but you'll find ways that work for you to cope.

You can really do this. If it helps, the fact that you're so aware of your emotions and feelings and are taking steps to do something to help yourself gave me the impression of a very strong and empowered woman.

Good luck

*a few hours after T was born, I remember sitting in a quiet room in the birth centre with M lying next to me sleeping, and her lying in her cot sleeping, and thinking, "What the hell am I doing? I can't even cope with one!!!"

**Meggles** · November 12th, 2010, 09:35 AM

****. this. ****.

I hate anxiety. Hate hate hate it.

I went to my first psych appointment last night and was feeling positive about her being able to help me, but now that it's morning and this is when my anxiety kicks in, I'm just so afraid again.

How can I possibly get better only seeing her once a week? I'm going away on a cruise in 6 weeks and I can NOT be like this.

I can't keep doing this every day, I just can't. I'm sobbing hysterically and I'm so frightened.

Oh jesus make it go away

**Maruschke** · November 12th, 2010, 09:39 AM

****. this. ****.

I hate anxiety. Hate hate hate it.

I went to my first psych appointment last night and was feeling positive about her being able to help me, but now that it's morning and this is when my anxiety kicks in, I'm just so afraid again.

How can I possibly get better only seeing her once a week? I'm going away on a cruise in 6 weeks and I can NOT be like this.

I can't keep doing this every day, I just can't. I'm sobbing hysterically and I'm so frightened.

Oh jesus make it go away

is there anyone you can call for a chat? Thinking of you...

**Persephone1** · November 12th, 2010, 10:27 AM

Hi Meggles, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I suffered with Antenatal Depression and Anxiety and was a bit of a mess during the first trimester. I was lucky enough to see a great psychologist but it took a lot of work to start to feel positive about the pregnancy and impending motherhood. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, unfortunately anxiety is experienced by so many people, but there is help.

Besides seeing the psychologist, perhaps you could talk to someone over the phone? The Post and Antenatal Depression Association (PANDA) has some good resources - just google them and you'll find them. You WILL get better, you're doing all the right things to move forward. Anxiety is a b!tch! But I can say that, for me, it's not a life sentence, and I'm doing much better since my counseling during the pregnancy.

Good luck hun.

**~Kim~** · November 12th, 2010, 10:42 AM

I've only just seen this Meggles and haven't read all the replies fully.

babe. Totally empathise.
My ANA is horrendous. After the first pregnancy I knew it would come back with another and it did.
Are you booked into a hospital yet? Talking to the midwives really helped. I did see a psych but her and I did not gel, so I stopped that quick smart. In the end I ended up medicated and on Aropax. Not for everyone, but I just could not function. All my previously successful coping strategies were doing nothing. I know it's not for everyone (and previously I would have said it wasn't for me), but it changed my life - for the better.
I'm truely happy for a chat if you need. Just let me know.

**boobaloo** · November 12th, 2010, 11:43 AM

i know your fear darl, i really do. i had never suffered anxiety until i fell pregnant with my first, i had an attack, which is actually how i found out i was pregnant! frikking hormones! i was constantly sick, and was terrified of a lot of things, going into a baby shop made me vomit, the thought of having my baby made me stress, but the thought of losing him made me stress too. i felt like i was losing my mind. after i was about 6 months, i started to see an accupuncturist, which was the best thing i ever did, the relaxation i felt after seeing him was amazing.

my ante-natal anxiety lasted until delivery, although not quite as severe, but when i saw my son for the first time, any fears went out the window. i was in love. post-natally i didn't suffer at all with him. after my baby girl was born i had no anxiety until about 12 weeks post-birth when the attacks were back. but i got them under control with lexapro and other natural treatments.

the point of my ranting is that you are not alone, and you WILL be ok. you and your baby will get through this.
PM me if you would like to, and if you need my number just let me know, i'm more than happy to chat when you need help calming down.

**Meggles** · November 13th, 2010, 01:22 PM

Have just been to the GP cause I'm just not coping. She upped my dosage of Prozac and also gave me a small supply of low dose (2mg) diazepam for when I need it, just until the Prozac kicks in and I can get help.

I know neither is ideal in pregnancy but it's better than me being a wreck.

Really hoping that because I'm already on it the increase will take effect quickly.

**thecolourbrown** · November 13th, 2010, 01:42 PM

Hi Meggles,
I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time. I suffered from GAD for most of my life until years of treatment and medication got me in a better place a few years ago. With my first pregnancy the GAD came back and I felt a lot of the things you have described, which was really awful after feeling great before that. I felt like I was going mad. I ended up having a miscarriage at 10 weeks, the day after the D&C I woke up and felt normal again - no GAD at all. What this told me was that it was so much to do with my hormones & was temporary. The first trimester is the worst for that I think. It is great that you are reaching out to get help - keep talking to people about how you feel if you can. Have you tried to do some visualisations or calming exercises? Whatever helps you to get through - meds, therapy or joining a group. Maybe your hospital has a support group?
big hugs to you, I hope upping your meds kicks in and you start to feel better really soon. But you are doing so well by talking and reaching out. I think we all worry about the big picture (can I cope as a Mum? etc), but maybe it would be helpful to think just this minute for now. By looking after yourself you are being a great Mum already.
:hugs:

**Meggles** · November 23rd, 2010, 10:08 AM

Big update -

The last 3 weeks have been hell. I have been waking up every morning increasingly earlier than the day before. Today it was 3:30am.

That wouldn't be so bad if I could fall back asleep, but I can't. I just lie there desperate and half dozing for the next few hours.

Then the anxiety kicks in. And I'm HYSTERICAL. Freaking the **** out. Went to see a psych at the Mother Baby unit at a hospital in town last week and she referred me to the local Mental Health Unit to be admitted because I was just falling apart and needed more intensive every-day help than just a couple of 1hr psych visits a week.

They rang the next day to say they have a bed available but I said to leave it for now, so they'll keep me on the waiting list.

Why did I turn it down??

I was feeling kinda ok that day?? The mornings have been the worst, but I'd not been feeling anything. I had one flutter of my heart racing when I thought "do I really want a baby" but otherwise, I wasn't hysterical like every other day. Every other day I've been beside myself, desperately hysterical, cant stop the thoughts.

I was saying to my husband earlier that all I've ever wanted was a baby. I used to cry for ages when we weren't ready to try for a baby yet.

So why am I afraid now that I don't want one? All of the effort involved. I guess cause it's FOREVER. You can't change your mind or give it back. It's a baby/toddler/child/teen/adult. Always needing you in some capacity.

I mean I've never had fears about being a good mum. I've been round babies plenty and am somewhat confident in my skills. But I just worry that the baby will come and I'll want to be selfish and live my childless life. Which is silly really, because we don't go out partying or anything - we're real nanna's - we go to bed at 9 on Friday nights for goodness sake! I'm not going to be losing my active social life.

But I know I couldn't cope with terminating - I don't want to.

I try telling myself that lots of people have these fears, and once baby is born I'll be madly in love with it, like everybody else seems to be. I just don't want to feel like this the whole pregnancy. It's horrible feeling like I don't want to be pregnant/have my baby.

Have even had a few friends confess that in their pregnancies they had similar thoughts - even ones as extreme as kind of hoping they'd miscarry so the anxiety and sickness would go away. As much as it's a horrible thing to think, I'm glad that some of my friends were brave enough to say what I'm sure lots and lots of women actually think, but just won't admit

I know deep inside I DO want a baby - of course I do. What's the alternative? Just being childless forever? No. That's not me. I want a baby.

I just feel trapped though.

My mum reckons that maybe it's my mind protecting me because of the last 2 losses. That maybe if I think I dont want it, then if I lose it, I wont be upset.

Was okay for a few days ... still on edge, but not freaking out.

BUT! I had a pretty bad day with my anxiety yesterday. Wish this crap would go away - it's so frightening and REAL when you're in the moment. Ugh. Mental illness sucks.

Morning sickness wise it's still pretty mild - just feeling a bit off/nauseas/empty in the stomach.

Wish I had of gone to hospital.

I have my OB appointment today so I'll get a scan. Will let you know how it goes.

**Meggles** · November 23rd, 2010, 12:21 PM

Ultrasound confirmed a missed miscarriage again - going to hospital to have a D&C on Friday.

Hubby and I are getting blood tests done to check our chromosomes and stuff too, in case there's a problem, because we fall pregnant easily but just can't STAY pregnant.

I'm okay though. Had my cry and sulk. If I can see ANY positive in a horrible situation it's that now I guess I can take time to work out my anxiety before we try again.

Thanks for caring guys. It really does mean alot x