We had been together for over 4 years and married for over 2.. it was not planned (alothough DH likes to hint that he "let" it happen) given that we have only ever had ONE slip up (we dont use protection, we use the pull out method but not that time) and thats all it took (though i have a sad sinking feeling it wont be so easy next time but thats another story..) when i found out DHs reaction? "NO" no we werent doing it, no we werent ready, no we couldnt afford it, just no! termination was not an option, i had secretly wished for this little baby for so long. We didnt talk for a week (he works FIFO) and the day before he was due to come home he called me and said "Right, we're having a baby!!" we had our rough patches, like alot of people we had to scrifice alot, make alot of changes to our day to day life, and priorities shifted but she is the love of his life.. and mine. and neither of us would have it any other way.
Our pregnancy wasnt really planned. But we werent really using protection we had been married for 3 years and together for 7. My DH just went into shock and was like.. well right. We had talked about children before briefly and knew that termination was not an option for either of us as we both believed in accepting the consequences of your actions.. which include sex
Neither of us really talked about it for awhile, then when the morning sickness kicked in it made it very real all of a sudden.
It took us both awhile to come to terms with it but by the first scan we were both really happy and nervous. I can understand that fear reaction, but by the same token, you have to accept those consequences imo.
I'm so sorry your sister is going through this and I hope she gets the support she needs x
My DH and I had only been together about a month when I found out I was pregnant. Had been on the pill but had been sick and stupid me didn't think. TBH he handled it a whole lot better than I did. Lots of support and encouragement, never a conversation that didn't revolve around what "we" were dealing with, an enormous flower arrangement delivered to me with an incredibly supportive card. I ended up having a m/c, but it had proved to me that this was a man who would stand beside me through it all.
IMO any man who turns around and issues ultimatums when HE got a woman pregnant needs to grow up, stop being so selfish and accept some responsibility. No, unplanned pregnancies are not always blessings in disguise, but a woman never gets there on her own. Even the ones that say they've been tricked and "trapped" after being told their partner was on the pill, there's always condoms to be extra sure.
I hope your sister is ok, and gets the support she needs. Sounds like she needs it from someone other than him though unfortunately.
My situation was a bit different in that DH and I were already married, but we'd only been married about 6 weeks when I fell pg. We'd already discussed babies and DH wanted to wait at least a year and I didn't and it caused a bit of tension that we couldn't resolve it. SO when I realised I might be pg, he was going along with things but I think he thought that I wasn't and he was being OK with it because he thought that it wasn't something he had to deal with for real ITMS. When it turned out that I was pg and I told him, he just turned so cold towards me and it was like he blamed me for deliberately getting pg, even though I hadn't. The reaction I got to telling him that I was pg was 'no you're not'. We didn't speak for close to a week, then things were really strained for another few months. We didnt' even have sex it was that bad. It was the hardest period of our relationship and I was devastated because it should have been so much different to what it was kwim? He never came to a single appointment with me during the pg and basically didn't even want to know about it - didn't care when I started buying things and hated talking about it with other people if it came up in conversation. I felt so ripped off that I didn't get that happy experience of a partner who was involved in it all. BUT when I was about 7-8 months pg he did start to warm to the idea and talking about names. In reflection, I think his reaction was because he just didn't feel ready to become a parent yet so he was freaking out about it all and just couldn't tell me. When the time came and I went into labour, I couldn't have asked for a more supportive or attentive husband and he came through for me when I needed him to the most. It still took a while for him to get used to being a Dad, but eventually he realised it was fine. Things were much better the second time round when we decided to have our second bub and he was much more involved in it all. Clearly it turned out OK for us because we have 4 kids and will celebrate 12 years of marriage this year.
I completely understand how your sister feels right now, and even though I was never ever pressured to seek a termination or threatened that he would leave. The emotional disconnection was the same though I think that this is just a knee-jerk reaction from him, because after all, if it was truly a religion/cultural thing, then he wouldn't have been having a sexual relationship before marriage nor would he be advocating for a termination. I think she just needs to give him time as the poor bugger is probably freaking out about how to tell his parents, especially if they aren't keen on them even being together. I hope it all works out for the best for her
Thank you all for your replys. I need to get her to read about all your experiences.
She has had many ups and downs this week but she and DF are at least talking. I do believe her DF is scared, scared of his families reaction, scared of becoming a parent. My sister does not want to fight with him, she is concerned that even without this PG this relationship was going to be tough, due to the cultural differneces between families. I think she is considering termination, though the day before that she was saying she doesn't believe in termination. And that if her DF was happy about the PG, she would be the happiest girl in the world.
I'm sad at the thought I won't get to meet my neice or nephew. I'm sad that my sister has to go through this, she doesn't want our parents to know. Though I know they would be just as supportive as I am. I'm sad that her DF feels the way he does. Sometimes I think things happen for a reason, I hope her dating scan gives her the answer she is looking for.
I haven't had an unplanned pregnancy, so you can take my opinion as you like.
I think that a "man" who gets a girl pregnant, and then threatens to leave her if she won't terminate is not someone she should be with anyways. Sex makes babies. That's a fact he has known for years. He was no doubt willing to have sex, but is now unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, and the child he has fathered. If he says he'll leave her if she won't end the pregnancy, then she will be better off without him. Pregnancy or no pregnancy, a man who will leave you when you need him most is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. And, since you've said she doesn't want to terminate, she will most likely resent him for making her do it, and regret the decision for her whole life, whether she remains in a relationship with him or not.
Encourage her to look for other support. She needs her family and friends to tell her they'll be there for her. There are crisis pregnancy centers that can also provide assistance. Her DF may or may not come around, but he sure doesn't sound like a guy you'd want to build a future with.
but thats another story..) when i found out DHs reaction? "NO" no we werent doing it, no we werent ready, no we couldnt afford it, just no! termination was not an option, i had secretly wished for this little baby for so long. We didnt talk for a week (he works FIFO) and the day before he was due to come home he called me and said "Right, we're having a baby!!" we had our rough patches, like alot of people we had to scrifice alot, make alot of changes to our day to day life, and priorities shifted but she is the love of his life.. and mine. and neither of us would have it any other way.
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