Admitting a serious fault of mine here I still have feelings of jealousy for those who fall pregnant first time / without trying / by accident / without a problem - and yes, with their subsequent children too.

And yet, for those who have experienced *difficulty* (defined by my head and my interpretation - not based in *reality*) I don't have the same feelings. It also applies for those who remember my angel - they seem to *get* that the pregnant / baby path is not a guaranteed one and they remember my losses which seems to grant them immunity For them, I am happy and the jealous sensation doesn't seem to occur.

I guess my feelings of jealousy are more about the ability to choose when and where to have a baby. To choose a spacing that suits your family. To experience the innocent joy of a pregnancy not laced with mild to moderate (and occasionally high) levels of fear about loss or the complications that can occur. I wish I could have that

Instead, I have the blessing of two healthy living babies and an angel baby (plus my miscarriages) and a completely different me to the one that existed when I first started TTC. One who still gets jealous .....