Does it ever sink in?

[Hollybolly]

Sue, if it helps, I think you're perfectly normal

After over 7yrs TTC & 6 stim cycles of IVF, I'm in exactly the same position as you emotionally at 19 weeks.

We didn't buy anything for baby up until last week when we bought the cot & changetable... DH has put them together, but thats it so far - I've opened the door into what will be the nursery & I just keep thinking to myself, 'Are you serious?!'

I think the scars of a LTTTCer run deep - and I know its hard to get your head around.
My DS was conceived without any issues - I got secondary infertility due to complications with his birth.
I remember deciding to try for him, it happened straight away, I was pregnant & buying things as soon as AF didn't show up
I was blissfully ignorant to all of the things I know & have been through over the past 7-8yrs.

People are saying to me surely you're starting to be confident now that you've had a couple of scans, your tummy is growing & your baby is moving.... erm no, actually - it just feels like I'm getting fat & any day I'm expecting to wake up to the reality of what the last 7yrs has been about.
Perhaps when I'm holding my baby in my arms & actually taking it home with me from hospital it might start to sink in..... maybe

Somebody asked me also if we try again for more after this one, will it be any easier... no, I don't think so either.
I have a little more faith in the science now (of assisted conception) - but I don't think I'll be any more confident for me personally even if we did another 10 cycles with another 10 positive results

The scars of a long timer run deep I think.... so I think you're perfectly normal

Although as soon as you move house, I'd be spending up big on baby, because that last trimester will fly by

Best of luck & congratulations on your pregnancy xxxxx

[MummaSue]

Thanks so much for your responses guys, it means a lot.

HB, you've struck a chord with me, I think that you're totally right - the scars of LTTTC do run very deep and we had an early miscarriage in 2008 which was very traumatic and I was scared of the same thing happening again.
Neptune, I have a feeling that it will be the same for me - sinking in long after she is here!

Lots of my friends just assume that I am ok with all of this (which I am) but I am still terrified of something going wrong - another product of a long time of disappointments and heartache.

I'm slowly coming round and today I am going to buy our little cherub a very cute outfit to wear to come home from the hospital in. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but a huge deal for me.

I'll get there, I'm sure. I just so want to meet this little one that we've been waiting on. I know that some women love being pregnant but to be honest, the pregnancy is a means to an end for me - I want that little bundle at the end of it all!!
Thanks for your thoughtful input guys.
Sue xx

[Acacia]

Sue, I just wanted to give you a and second everything HB has said and reassure you again that what you're going through is completely normal given what you have been through.

I had an early miscarriage during our IVF treatment and then a bleeding scare 7 weeks into my pregnancy with DD, so everything felt so tenuous the whole time, no matter what reassurances there were (like movement, scans etc., and I even had many additional scans and h/b monitoring sessions late in the pregnancy). It still felt like a dream until I looked at DD in the face for the very first time, and then I realised that it was real I promise you that the moment you look at your child for the first time everything you have gone through - all the anxieties and difficulties during LTTTC and your pregnancy will feel very distant at the moment and it will be wonderful.

I took it in baby steps myself with my pregnancy - the first thing I allowed myself to get was a book about pregnancy about 13 weeks in, and then I allowed DH to buy me a pregnancy journal not long after that, and I'm so glad I did use it, and I can really recommend it. After that, slowly over the course of the second half I started to feel comfortable to get little things like some clothes and later on the bigger stuff, all with DH doing most of the shopping and guiding and preparation (he's a bit of a shopper, though lol) but I only took it at the pace that I felt like on any given day - if I didn't want to think about things I needed to get for the baby, I didn't. It all worked out in the end - we had everything we needed in time, and I did not feel rushed or pressured in my given emotional state.

Allow yourself to take as long as you need to purchase the things you want, and use that as little moments in time where you feel ready to open yourself a little more to the idea that your baby is real and is coming - you can't force that, but you can do these little things when you feel you're having a good day

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes really smoothly, with the minimum of anxiety and the maximum of enjoying your baby growing (even though it doesn't feel quite real!) before they come to join you in this world, in your arms

[Hollybolly]

Just wanted to say what a great post full of sensible advice from Acacia

I wanted to show my appreciation but I have to share the love