Hi girls i though id share my little story as im sure lots of you will probably feel this way and i think it just helps writing it down.
I was very very upset over the weekend and really couldnt understand why i know hormones are running rament but this was different. After much diliberation and way too many tears i figured it out. I am just over 1 week from my C section yet i havent organised the nursery, havent pulled things out of boxes and only just started to organise a bag for the hospital, instead ive been organising a ski trip for AUgust. I was about 7 monthes before people could tell i was pregnant and i was happy about that, it really wasnt up for discussion. I thought as long as i didnt do all these things there wouldnt be any attachment if things went wrong! I kept using Christmas as my fall back, the " i really cant do anything till i get chrissi over" well now christmas is over i have to get ready and i dont want to, i feel by doing any of this stuff i will "jinx" the pregnancy I think the LTTTC aspect, the ectopic and a traumatic birth with my son( he popped his lung, but for about 2 hours i thought i was losing him) have all contributed to this. In saying all that i already feel so much better for understanding why i was feeling so bad, when i should be totally excited and looking forward to meeting my little girl. So i hope by sharing this "rant" that maybe those of you who feel similar will get to the realisation a little bit quicker than i did and not only that, but family and friends just dont understand, were i think all of us can relate to this on some level. LTTTC and loss makes this a much harder journey and i feel so lucky that i have shared it with the girls in BB.