Pregnancy after LT TTC #15

[TaRhLi.]

Hi Girls

Possums: Yay for your scan results, hope the next one you get to see little arms & legs as well.

Kaybee: With my pregnancy with DD and this one as well, I switch between being constipated or having diarrhoea and to be honest diarrhoea is the better of the 2. So nothing to worry about, just make sure you keep up your fluids.

M2B: I'm so jealous, I would love an o/s holiday but don't see that in my future for a very long time but we are getting away for a few days next week so that should be nice... And as for my belly size by my calculations based on my measurements from my Ob appt I should be measuring 40 weeks in about 4 weeks time (so 25 weeks for me), they haven't mentioned how big they think I will get but my Ob is hoping to get me to 38 weeks 4 days for my c/s but it will probably come down to how much room they will need and how much I can provide. Touch wood, so far the only stretch marks I have are from DD's pregnancy - which I only got in the last week - and they are on the bottom of my belly. Nothing new so far, but I'm sure they will come in time as I'm stretching faster than my skin can cope with...

Big belly rubs to all our mummies to be...

Dreamrise: Are you out there, I've been thinking of you and hope your scan went o.k on Tuesday.

[TaRhLi.]

Lori: We must have posted at the same time last night. I'll PM you the details of my GP in Ballarat as I know that they take new patients.

[Possums]

Kelly, hopefully you will get to that 38 week mark...and hope the stretch marks stay away

bugsmum- I can understand you not being able to fully relax until you have your baby in your arms...it is a lot of monitoring, but at least you will be able to see your bub and see that all is going OK.

dreamrise- fantastic!!! what a great result after your big scare. we are due at the same time You must be so relieved. I bet it will be great to have your parents back too and for them to know all is ok.

mum2b- i bet you had a great trip and glad all is on track and you are getting things organised

afm- another blood test today. hopefully i will still be following the hcg curve...in the next week or so i will actually see my hcg start to drop...so am prepared for that. still just tired and on and off queasy, some days worse than others. Happily moving forward through the weeks.

[Yogi Bear]

Just wanted to send out HUGE thanks to all you wonderful ladies on here for your support over the last few weeks, unfortunately my time on this thread is only short.

Scan on tues showed no heartbeat and bub measuring 5 days behind, my gut feeling was right. A doctor at the scan place was sent in and gave us "the talk"... so sorry, doesn't look good should see a hb by now blah blah blah. I've lost that "pregnant feeling" in my uterus over the last week....i just know another precious bub has left me.

Seeing my FS on tues for another scan to confirm, but i know its all over. I've stopped taking all my meds. I dont know where to now...every time this happens a piece of my soul dies, i feel i am only half the woman i was when i started this journey. I feel like such a freak....WHY cant i grow a baby??? I just cant understand why we have been dealt this constant heartache...4 miscarriages in the last 18 mths, it seems to be a 6 monthly cycle of IVF, pregnant, m/c, D&C, IVF, pregnant, m/c, D&C...on and on it goes. We desparately need to break this cycle cause its just killing us...just not sure in which way to change it, which path do we take??

We might have to walk away from this without the ultimate prize. But if they were giving out awards for courage, strength & determination then DH & I would win a gold medal i reckon!! Unfortunately no one will give us "congratulations" for this...instead we will be "THAT couple" that failed and have no baby. Today is our 10 year anniversary together, we were hoping to be celebrating good news. I still have so much to be grateful for, our beautiful love has only grown stronger and more wonderful throughout all of this...i'm so lucky to have one hell of a fantastic man!!

Anyway, it was nice to be here for even a little while, maybe this is our lot...just these little snippets of being pregnant and that feeling of hope and happiness. Despite all that we have been through i KNOW we will be ok and we WILL have our big happy family. We have been looking into adoption in the UK for a little while now, i keep thinking of those poor kids who need loving parents and a true place to call home much more than we need a baby. Its so not fair what we are having to deal with....but even more unfair for neglected and abused kids waiting to be loved.

Thanks again ladies, you have been wonderful and i will miss you All the best for the newbies here i pray that your pregnacy is safe & happy and for those about to meet their precious miracles....please hold them that extra bit closer cause they are just so so special.

Goodbye
Yogi xxx

[LizLemon]

No No No!!! Oh Yogi my heart is breaking for you sweetheart. This is just not fair.

I guess firstly I would say that you are having another scan next week, I will still be crossing my fingers for a miracle.

But I also want to say, when we were going through all of the cycles of IVF it was impossible not to become completely disheartened. I would see all these people around me with babies (most deserved them but some weren't even fit to be parents) and I couldn't help but be absolutely FURIOUS with the world and the way it was. Allow yourself to be furious. And then get back in there (if it is right for you of course). Because you sound like such a great person who deserves to have a brilliant little bubba in your arms.

Take comfort from people like possums who has had many miscarriages and has had a condition diagnosed and is being treated. There has to be a reason why this keeps happening and a good FS will make sure they get to the bottom of it. Make sure also you and DH are getting lots of support emotionally too.

I hope you still manage to have a good anniversary with your man. You sound like you're a great couple and I really believe you will one day have your big family. The journey you take to get there may not be the usual one but one thing for sure is that you will be brilliant parents when you do.

Many and I really hope to see you back in here soon with a super sticky bubby.

[CK77]

Yogi - I am so sorry. I believe you and DH will be able to have that big family you mentioned, whether it be your own pregnancy or providing a loving home to a child in need. You and DH sound like you have something very special together.

Renee - I've been offline for a few days but congratulations on the arrival of Ava Maree. Such a sweet gorgeous name for your 'little' bundle. I'm sure your Grandfather was watching over you and Ava making sure she arrived safely. I remember being in the birthing suite and being told that the labour wasn't progressing, and being offered the epidural and just crying because I felt 'weak', and then to be told I had to have the Caesar it was another blow. It took me a few days to wrap my head around the fact that in the end it didn't really matter, my little man came into the world and I was able to cuddle him, how he got there was irrelevant. Then I struggled with BF (altho my milk did come in while in hospital) and felt like a failure again when the midwives were telling me that altho I had milk my boy wanted more!! So formula it was, and more tears from me that I was not 'woman' enough to provide adequately for Rossi.
There are so many things that can get you down in those first weeks, and it's only now, 4 or so weeks down the track that my poor nipples have recovered and I think we've established 'okay' breastfeeding.
Know that Ava will love her Mummy for doing whatever is the best for her, whether it's formula top ups, formula full time, or breast.
I'm only new at this Mum gig but if u ever need a hand with anything or just want to b:tch about family that comes around and doesn't offer to do the washing up, just let me know! It does get easier :-)

Chrissy.

[Mindhugs]

Hi Ladies,

I am popping in here for the 3rd time in 12 months. 2 miscarriages under my belt this past year and pregnant again with our last FE. And I think last ever as we are fairly broke.

I can see there is good and bad news in here.

Yogi - so sorry to hear that for you. I know that feeling too well myself as I've had 4 miscarriages in total. You have to get off that merry go round at some point as it does drive you a little crazy. Best wishes for whatever road you travel down. I feel that whatever the outcome is for me on this cycle we will adopt a child either way. Take care my lovely.

Some of you ladies are about to hit your due dates. Bet you can't wait to meet your little treasures.

And we have twins in here! Yay! I always wished for twins myself, but there is only one in there.

AFM - sick sick sick. Some days are better than others. Trying so hard to remain positive, but so very scared of another possible loss. In fact I'm pretty sure I was still suffering Post Traumatic stress from recent loss in Sept when I went into this FET. I've woken up once or twice and my temp has been low and tummy flat,then by the end of the day it's all corrected itself. But not until I've spent hours in fear of what that means. The same signs I've had in the past with losses. Is someone out there teasing me or testing my strength and endurance??? Whatever the case it all seems so cruel.

Lori - congrats on your safe outcome. Wow. What a journey you've been on. Makes it that more special.

Well it's nice to be back amongst friends. I look fwd to chatting with you all and sharing your wonderful journeys xoxo

[Leabie]

Oh Yogi, my heart breaks for you... I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. Sending lots and lots of hugs hopefully you and DH can comfort each other on this very sad yet very special day.

I know that you have lost hope for the scan, but is it OK if I keep hoping for you? Also, did your FS tell you to stop your meds, or the doc doing the scan?

Thinking of you sweetie.

[Possums]

yogi- oh my heart broke when I read your post. I hope there is still a chance for you, because it was only an early scan and you never know...

But I just wanted to say I really understand how you are feeling. The devastation, loss, anger, isolation. I have felt all of it. I had an 18 month period which involved an ectopic, IVF, then 2 miscarriages...and felt just like you...it was just trying to get pregnant, getting pregnant, then D&C and recovery, then again. It can be soul destroying....and it does change us forever, whether or not we become parents we won't ever be the same. In some ways we are better people, stronger, more understanding and sensitive, more grateful and aware etc...but in other ways we are marked in a negative way, and grieve for the parts of us that have been taken away by these experiences. I too have felt like a failure, why havent I been able to conceive and keep a baby? etc.

It's tough, but try to separate your trying to conceive journey from the essence of who you are as a person... You arent a freak at all, you are a strong, brave woman, who, for whatever medical reason, hasn't been able to have a baby yet. I have done a fair bit of counselling on that ...trying to anchor my self esteem in who I am ....not in the fertility stuff, if that makes sense.
I pray that all is not lost this time. I send you my love and hugs. Please if you want to talk PM me.
Take time to feel all the emotions you are going through, take some time out, then think about what the best next step is for you and your DH.
I am glad you have been looking into other options and that you and DH are so strong and close (it can be testing on couples that's for sure). You will have your family and you will be a fantastic mum.
Thinking of you xx

mindhugs- congratulations on your pregnancy and may this be a sticky baby. I relate to you, in the trying to enjoy it, yet worrying at the same time. I really hope all is right on track for you. Have you had an early scan?

[juniper76]

You arent a freak at all, you are a strong, brave woman, who, for whatever medical reason, hasn't been able to have a baby yet.

I absolutely, 100% agree with this!

Yogi, I am so sorry to read your news. I wish there were words that could make this easier for you, but I know there aren't. I know that one day you will be a fabulous mum, whichever road brings you there. I truly hope this is the last disappointment on your journey to parenthood.

mindhugs, congrats on your BFP! I hope you have a H&H 9 months!

[worrywart]

Yogi, I am so so sorry. I agree totally with what Possums said too. I'm also really impressed by your attitude. It's clear that you'd be a wonderful mum and that both you and your DH would be wonderful parents, with such a strong relationship. Pregnancy/birth etc is a biological accident. My dad is my adopted dad (my biological father died when I was a baby). I love my dad just the same, and he loves me the same, I know it. In fact, he's very dear to me, even more than my mum sometimes (who did give birth to me - I've heard the details many times!). It's hard to explain. Anyway, whatever path you choose, whether adoption, or trying again, I am wishing for a child for you guys very very soon.

WW

[dreamrise659]

Hi Yogi,

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I really hope that you have a miracle and the scan on Tuesday shows that bub has somehow survived. Can I ask why you have to wait so long for that scan?

This IVF attempt which I concieved on was to be my last attempt too and I didn't have any miscarriages - just didn't concieve which made me feel like a failure... so even though I haven't been through the same heart break as you I can relate to the feeling of it just not being fair... especially when you see some people who just shouldn't be parents manage to spit out kid after kid... it seems like a cruel joke.

It's great that you and your husband are able to be so supportive and strong as I know the whole trying to concieve journey can be very testing on a relationship - I admit it factored into why I split with my ex (though it wasn't the sole reason).

It's great that you have already started to look into other options - like adoption and I wish you the very best of luck with that. I know it too can be a very long and heart breaking process - though at least you don't have the raging hormones etc to deal with at the same time. I truly hope you are able to have the family you have dreamed of.

Best wishes
Lori

[Yogi Bear]

Oh girls, i'm sitting here in tears at all your beautiful words...thank you I feel like you all know me so well...more so than my own mother (who has been very unsupportive through all this, but thats another story!!) I guess its something that only those who have had similar experiences can relate.

FS wanted to wait a week for another scan just to be sure but I just know that bub has gone. After 5 m/c i've become so in-tune with my body and my intuition...i've learnt to trust it in that way i guess! I just knew on monday after the bt results that something was not right and the doc at the scan place seemed pretty sure & hey they are doing this ALL the time. Plus, i'm just so tired of hanging on to hope when i know deep down the truth. When times are tough DH & i always try to count our blessings. After the scan we thought about that sonographer doing scans all day long and diagnosing bad news for people...how many people get cancerous lumps discovered each day? DH & I are blessed with good health and each day he comes home from work i'm just so happy to have him back safe & sound.

Possums i totally agree with what you said about changing us forever....In a strange kind of way i'm almost grateful for this journey for teaching me so much about myself & people in general. I've discovered that an awful lot of the population live in such ignorance and self-centredness. I'm so glad i'm not one of those people. Unfortunately because of this i've become less sociable and feel more distanced from general society. When people complain about trivial everyday things like its the end of the world i find it very hard to have sympathy!

Worrywart that's so great that you have such a close relationship with your dad. I know genetics is important for understanding who you are physically and where you came from but as far as relationships are concerned...they mean nothing. I've never really had a close bond with my own mother and its only been highlighted and confirmed throughout this journey. I love her dearly but that trust just isnt there...no amount of genetics and flesh & blood can change that.

As heartbreaking as m/c are they are all the more frustrating cause you know you CAN fall pg but surely there must be a reason why they keep failing. Lori i can also understand that not being about to fall would be equally disheartening, again its finding the reason and trying to "fix it".
I am really starting to believe that maybe these awful CD57 killer cells are the reason, its just too hard to believe now that its purely an egg quality issue (this was what i was told in the past)...would old dodgey eggs consistently allow me to conceive every time and progress to 6-8 weeks?? I'm wondering if i have the energy & strength to pursue a suitable treatment for this, the prednisolone is not working maybe i need something stronger? But it scares me to keep trying as i feel like i am killing my precious bubs each time.

Sorry to ramble on, i know i shouldn't really be talking about this is a pregancy thread...but it feels so good to get it out here so thanks for listening. Again ladies you are so lovely and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and support. It makes me a little sad that if i passed any of you on the street i could not recognise you to give you a big hug...but please know that i most certainly would if i could so i hope each & every one of you can all feel this coming out to you now.... & more

Yogi xxx

[LizLemon]

Thankyou Yogi for coming back in to see us. You have an amazing perspective and strength. I know what you mean re being less social, it's just something we have to do to stay sane. I wish you all the best x

Welcome (back) mindhugs! What a hard road you've been travelling. Fingers crossed for you this bubba is a sticky one and I'm looking forward to sharing our journeys.

And hey Juniper - how you going there which way is your little miss facing?

[Mindhugs]

Hey Yogi,

If it does in fact turn out turn out that you have lost this precious one, then perhaps might be worth checking out other things like killer cells. I spent 3 months at the end of last year getting that all checked out. Each IVF miscarriage we had the foetus matter was sent off to a lab to show nothing was wrong (Dr said 80% of people get some kind of an answer with these tests). So my new specialist tested me and DH for EVERYTHING & I mean EVERYTHING. She stopped at nothing. To cut a long story short the only thing she could find was that I kept getting BV infections from an overgrowth of Strep B (usually a sign there is an immune disorder, which they tested me for and couldn't find). A bacteria that normally exists quite happily in everybody, and one that my IVF Dr didn't care too much about. Yet since she treated me with anti-biotics for this and part way through my pregnancy so far, I have my 1st really strong chance. I've had 2 early scans and we can see the baby has grown with strong heartbeat. They are big on combatting bacteria in the States when it comes to infertility, but hasn't cottoned on over here as yet.

There was another girl in here (can't remember her name). Anyway, after 7 IVF miscarriages her specialist (not IVF Dr) treated her for a bacteria that is present in her urine and she now has a beautiful baby. Again, it was a bacteria that most Dr's will tell you is present in most people and not a problem, yet she's now got results. She is the one that encouraged me to get tested for bacteria's. I knew I suffered BV but didn't know why.

So I think there is something to be said for these "popular & ever present" bacteria and infertility. Hard to find a Dr here who will assist you with that though. Certainly don't expect any IVF Dr's or GP's to buy it.

There is a great website worth checking out that my Specialist researched for me: www.rialab.com

Fingers & toes crossed for you xoxo

[airline]

Yogi - I don't know if you will return to look at any more comments again, but I welled up reading your post. Every girl on here knows how desperate we get to fulfil our dream and I am so so sorry to hear that you may have to walk away from this option. Your post was so eloquant and although you may have been typing through tears, it was written with strength and courage. I loved your comments about your DH and feel as passionately about my DH, more so after our IVF journey. Good luck my dear, and if you were here I would give you the biggest hug possible, xx

[juniper76]

Yogi, sending so many of these: right back at you!

I know you said you're in tune with your body and you feel that this is over and I am not going to question that. However, I wanted to make a quick comment about test results if you don't mind. I've seen a few cases during my time TTC of couples told that they would m/c based on test results only for them to have successful pregnancies. They're definitely the minority, but it does happen. In one particular case, a friend's hcg levels had dropped but that pg went on to produce a beautiful little boy. More recently, another friend had terribly low and slow-rising hcg levels, but has now reached 20wks with that pg. As I said, I trust that you know your body better than anyone else because you have been in this position far too many times before and I am not second-guessing your intuition. I just wanted to mention this so that you don't ever doubt your body's messages if they don't match the test results.

Bug'sMum, doing okay here. At yesterday's OB appt she was still head down, so hopefully she'll stay that way. I think she's still kicking me in the ribs today because it doesn't feel the same as when her head was up there. The MW did note that this one likes to keep her legs stretched out. Good thing I'm not short or we'd be in trouble...

[WeeMansMummy]

Yogi my heart is also bleeding for you right now. Its just not fair. I would advise that you also look into PGD IVF for reaccuring m/c's. It may also be time for a fs/clinic change. There is obviously some investigation needed, which can sometimes call for a different kind of fs.

IVF is a long and painful and expensive process but please dont give up. We all deserve for our dreams to come true and im sure you will get yours.

xoxo