Wow Yogi - get it all out!! I don't feel anywhere near qualified enough to be the first one to reply here. You (as everyone has said) have been through so much. So many losses - and we all know it is not about the numbers as even one mc is a lifetime of pain. Long term TTC is its own long drawn-out torture. To endure all of this with STILL no result would be more than enough to make anyone half as strong as you flip out. We, who understand, would not wish this fate on even our worst enemy and can only hope that our loved ones never experience the same pain. All we can hope is for our family and close friends to be there and offer their loving support. Nobody can ever quite know what to say at these times - even those who have been through it themselves - but just being there, offering a hug, a chat, some flowers, a coffee even can mean so much. Your mum has obviously never even tried to contemplate or understand what you are going through. Would she be so absent if you had a serious illness? I don't understand how or why she wouldn't want to even try to understand or help. How can you stand there and watch your daughter in pain, crying out for help then throw it back at her and make her feel guilty??? It's crazy.

I guess if you hadn't had your destructive "episode" then you would have only found another way of letting off steam which could have ended up much worse - better a broken tele than broken bones in a car crash or something.

Anyway, I am rambling - I really think (as you said) that you need to go and get some counselling. You had enough to cope with already and were already starting to blame yourself for your fertility problems and now adding your mother's issues on top of it all is not a good idea. I hope they can help you see how strong you really are. MASSIVE