God hun I don't judge you for a second. Firstly infertility changes you and stays with you. It doesn't go away because you're pg. I will be the first to say that I still find it hard to see pg women, or hear about how someone fell pg easily, or even let go of the fact that it took me so many years and so many cycles to fall pg. What we felt before falling pg doesn't just evaporate into nothingness.

And losing one of your twins is devastating, even if you feel like you're not allowed to grieve because you have to feel grateful for the survival of the other twin. But our minds don't work like that. Not grieving is like pretending your angel never existed, and how do you, as a mother, do that? Don't worry about how hard others have had it, focus on you and your feelings. You deal with your needs and your grief. You will have to in order to get closure and be there for your other baby.

As for not buying stuff for you or your baby, this too is normal for LTTTCers. I got big very fast, so eventually had to move into maternity clothes, but I was constantly fearful of being 'too optimistic', like that was a crime that would make the whole house of cards come tumbling down. I still feel like that now sometimes, even though Charlie is 20 months old. Like I've gotten so used to things being difficult and painful that I expect that that's what I deserve, and cannot allow myself to relax and enjoy it.

I don't know if I'm even hitting the mark with anything I've said, or I'm way off, Jo, but wanted you to know that we LTers always thinkg that the light at the end of the tunnel is falling pg, when in truth it is just another world where everything is distorted and scary. We're too scared to admit it that we're not completely grateful and utterly ecstatic 100% of the time. But the journey on this side of the fence is hard too! And it's okay to say you're having a hard time with it.

Hugest of to you, you beautiful woman.