Stressing and a rant

[princesswalkee]

Hi all,
i have a few problems with my partners mother and need reassurance.I know i have a bit of time before i give birth ( i am 21 weeks tomorrow) anyway my partners mother wants to be there when i give birth but i dont want her to be, i want my partner and my mum, i wanted my mum to be and than she just ask one day and i said yes, now my partners mother is not good when she is told no, she knows my mum is going to be there and is not happy about it, she makes me very uncomfortable and hasnt even wanted this baby and has made that very clear to the point of saying to my partner that he should cause a accident so i miscarriage, he was outraged and needless to say i wasnt impressed, she and my partners father also tell me everything that can go wrong everytime im out there and it gets to the point where i have burst into tears when we get in the car to come home, my partner has told them that they are making me upset but all they have said is its there house and they will say what they want. Anyway back to the birth she is a very munipulative person and doesnt take it too well when she is told no, so im just wondering if when i give birth i can get the midwives to keep her away, and under no circumstances is she to be let into the delivery room or told anything if she rings, i would also like some suggestions how to cope with her, im trying to be positive but even after she came to the ultrasound she is still not accepting it, all she did at the ultrasound was ask the technican if there was anything wrong with the baby and suggesting things to check she didnt even smile when she seen it.
Thanks in advance for any suggestions

[krysalyss]

OMG what a nightmare of a person. Of course she can't be there. I can't even imagine how awful it would be. Even if she was nice - you need to have the people you want there. It isn't a movie for petes sake! It is the welcoming of your new little one. I think you should make it clear in your birthplan and to your midwives that no information is to be given out to anyone. That way you can call to let people know when you are good and ready. They can't just let anyone into your room so make it clear that noone except XX and XX are to come in. Also don't let her know you are going into labour. You can let her know after the fact , or even after you get home.
This is your little one. You need to absolutely put your foot down because these situations don't resolve themselves unfortunately. Overbearing MILs tend to get worse when they inevitably disagree with your parenting.
Good luck with your situation! I hope it all turns out well. Enlist your DH as he really needs to address this issue with his mum.

[M22]

goodness you poor thing- MIL are pains aren't they. big hugs to you.

i would just say the hospital has a policy that only 2 people be allowed in. so you DH and your mum.
to be honest- i would just be straight with her and say she makes you uncomfortable and since she has made it obvious she does not want the baby- she is onot to be invloved either way. i did this with my MIL recently and it has sunk in now- she has finally realised tht i wont take her crap and am going to stand up for myself.

swetie, it's not good for you to be stressing like this not good for you and bubs, i would make sure you DH sticks by you too.

[feeb]

Your body your baby YOU decide.

I would NEVER think about having MIL there would not be comfortable with her seeing me naked, and its normal for you to what Your Partner and Your Mum there.

Its your partners baby and your mum brought you into the world and we all want our mums when we r in pain or not feeling well!!

Of course the midwifes will keep her out they like as few as possible around waiting and in room especially.

Tell your MIL that your partner will ring as soon as baby is born and let her know when she can visit.

Good luck hun

[~Kaz~]

hun, that sounds like a really difficult situation for you to be in.

I don't understand why she wants to be there if she is not happy about your pregnancy or actively looking for things to go wrong

I think the midwives can definitely keep her out of your labour room - they have to respect your medical privacy and wishes on something like this. I have been told that they will help me to keep some unwanted visitors away after the birth so I don't see that this is any different. They cannot release information about you to her - it would be such a breach of privacy legislation. You'd probably be surpised at how often they manage situations like this with family members.

Just remember this is YOUR pregnancy, YOUR baby and YOUR labour. You can have whomever you want there and it's your RIGHT to say no to your partners mother and anyone else who puts inappropriate demands on you.

I think if their attitude is that they can say what they want in their own home, you should limit your contact with them to either your home or neutral territory. I would consider limiting your contact with them anyway (if that's possible) because it sounds like they stress you out generally and that's not good for you or bubs. Let your partner go alone. It seems like you've done a lot to try and include her (having her at the ultrasound), and she has had a few months now to get used to the idea and put on a more positive attitude about the baby. Given she hasn't, it might be time to leave her out of things. You need to surround yourself with happy, positive and supportive people. It sounds to me like there could be lots of unresolved issues she has about either herself, her own pregnancy(s), your relationship with her son, the fact that her son(baby) is going to have his own baby????? I dunno but there is something going on there and it probably has very little to do with you personally and says more about her. Mentally give her back her own issues/stuff and don't take it on board!! I'd stop telling her she upsets you too, because that might be what she is after (given you have described her behaviour as manipulative).

Good luck with her. Just be consistent in saying no as often as she brings it up. I wouldn't get into lengthy explanations or emotional discussions about the issue. Just have a couple of simple sentences like "I realise you want to be there, however, I am not comfortable with that and I am just going to have DP and my mum. I hope you can respect my wishes." Keep repeating this - don't change your 'story' and then end the conversation or change topics once you have said it a couple of times in a row. Get your partner to tell her too.

You need to take a stand now about setting your own limits and boundaries with her. If she is this negative about it all during your pg, it's not a foregone conclusion or anything but she might just continue with this type of behaviour after the birth as well. Getting some groundrules down now and her learning that YOU are the mother and YOU make the decisions is essential. As hard as it will be now, if you give in on this issue, it will be that much harder down the track.

Good luck. I really hope you work out a way to maintain some good boundaries with her and I wish you all the best for the remainder of your pregnancy and beyond

[princesswalkee]

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions, sometimes i need to be reassured that im not being controling and that i have made a real effort to include her, i just dont get why she wants to be at the birth when she obviously doesnt want this baby, she reckons because of our age ( im 17 and my partner is almost 18) that i planned the pregnancy so that i wont lose him, that is just bull and im just sick of it, i have even got as far as to start having panic attacks when we are suppose to go visit them, which my dr thinks is really bad so i try to stay away for my own health and bubs

[ladybird11]

DP's step mother (and mother in fact) are exactly as you describe. You have my hugest sympathies hun! (Maybe we are in laws or something?? )

Has your relationship always been like this - or is it just since they found out you're expecting?

Both have the 'it's my way or the highway' kind of attitude - however it took awhile but DP stuck to his guns and they learn't we'll do things our way.

The step mother in particular has really backed off (to the point of non exsistence) on us as she is no longer calling the shots. The mother is learning she can't control the way we choose to live life so if she wants to come along for the ride, it's on our terms. Hopefully your DP's parents will adopt either one of those lines of thought. Be supportive and understanding or 'cya later'!

I really feel for you and bubs. I'm glad your DP is standing up to his parents (some guys seem to cower when it comes to their parents, and some girls for that matter too I guess). Keep away from the stress for your own health, and for bubs sake too.

[Footsteps]

god thats sounds like my dps mum in general..terrible i know but his sister wanted to get her sectioned.
you have my deepest sympathy huni.
yes you are young but its your life and your baby.
vent away huni.
xxx

[Toomanytoomany]

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions, sometimes i need to be reassured that im not being controling and that i have made a real effort to include her, i just dont get why she wants to be at the birth when she obviously doesnt want this baby, she reckons because of our age ( im 17 and my partner is almost 18) that i planned the pregnancy so that i wont lose him, that is just bull and im just sick of it, i have even got as far as to start having panic attacks when we are suppose to go visit them, which my dr thinks is really bad so i try to stay away for my own health and bubs

Hey, I love my MIL to bits and I don't want her at the birth either! (Not that she's ever suggested it!) You need positive, supportive people around you when you are labouring, you need to be in control. If ever there was a time in your life where you could justify being controlling - this is it!!

This could be a really good time for you to start laying down some boundaries. What does your partner say when she behaves this way? It's really his problem to deal with - an he needs to step up to the plate.

[tenar]

She sounds a little like my sister's mother in law. They ended up moving to a town hours away and not giving her their phone number, to get away from her. She still phones my mother on a regular basis, to complain about stuff, and I am very glad she doesn't have my phone number or home address at all.

I think you need to absolutely refuse to see her. I wouldn't let her know when you go into labor, so she can't turn up at the hospital and hassle people. If you have to use your answering machine to screen calls to stop her from phoning you, do that too.

Your safety and the safety of your baby are at more risk if you feel unsafe or too stressed during the birth. This is because we, like all mammals, have evolved to be able to slow labor, or stop it altogether, if we are in a dangerous situation - our hormones do stuff that would let us get up and run away from danger, but labor has to be slowed to do that, obviously (it's kinda neat when you think about it). So if you feel upset or stressed because someone you dislike is present, the chances are higher that your labor will progress slowly and you'll end up needing more interventions, with associated risks for the baby and for you. I think on this basis alone you should definitely not let this person be near you when you go into labor. Nothing is more important than your baby's safety.

It seems to me that you might also need to be setting precedents for the kind of access your partner's parents will have to the baby. Now would be a good time to start with that. Some people are just too poisonous.

Good luck with sorting it out. I think your instincts are totally right and you should go with them.

*hugs*

[tattoo_mama]

Princesswalkee, now I think is a good time for you to discuss boundaries and rules with your partner. I am 22 and my partner 24 and it took both our sets of parents a couple of months to warm up to the idea of us having a baby, saying we are too young (although im sure in a few yrs they would've had another excuse). We have a sort of opposite situation where my MIL is super nice to the point where my partners neice (partners brothers daughter) is spoilt rotten and we are horrified our child will end up like this in her care ( for example, 1 little whine and she gets icecream before dinner, she is 2 yrs old!!) it is a good idea 2 go thru with your partner and then your MIL some ground rules for the birth, the first few weeks (e.g. Ring if you want to visit, don't just rock up!) and caring for the infant (that is if she wants baby staying at her house occasionally). Otherwise if you leave these topics undiscussed they will arise when you have the baby and are sleep deprived and grumpy! Lol! Good luck hun x