Advice vs telling you what to do

[shell_120308]

Are you sick of it yet?? I don't mind getting advice from other people who have had children, but I hate it when I do say something of my plans and then getting scrutinised over my decision. I was talking to a friend the other night about breastfeeding and saying I probably will only breastfeed for about 4 months because I want my little DJ to adjust to formula by the time I am back at work at the 6 month mark, and she said, you should be breastfeeding til at least 6 months or longer..... And anything else I say she knocks it down, so I think I just need to listen to the advice and not take it to heart like I wil be a bad mum just by the choices I am making already. She also asked me if I was going to circumsize little DJ and I said I am not sure yet, but probably yes. To tell you the truth, I hadn't even thought about it, and I thought my husband wanted to get it done for him and it turns out he doesn't, so we aren't getting it done. But she totally went off at me for even thinking about it. There are other things as well, but I think I just need to take it all in as advice only and when she asks what I decide to do with certain things, just respond, whatever I do I will do in the best interests of my baby.

Just wanted to find out if anyone else is getting frustrated with people telling them what to do instead of just providing advice.

[Trillian]

So I'm guessing she's happy your not getting him circ'd LOL. Its hard - some people only have the best of intentions, but come across all wrong, and others do just think that their way is the only way. Is she normally like that with other things? If she is, she might just be 'one of those people' LOL. One of the first initiations that we have as mums is that we will get tons of unwanted and even wrong advice and we just have to let our skin grow a little thicker and let it slide

[jmmum]

Shel,
I listened to peoples suggestions and used what I needed the rest I've probably filed either in junk or the too hard file. Only you will know what is best for you and your baby!
jmmum.

[shell_120308]

Yeah I just need to let it slide and remember that I am the one that will know what is best for little DJ since I am his mum ;-) Thanks girls :-) I think I just needed to vent....

[kirsty_lee]

You know what is worse than being scrutinised by a friend or family member? being scrutinised by a total stranger! When DP and I had our first appontment at the hospital with the midwife it was about 8.30 in the morning, i'd had terrible morning sickness that morning, i'd had my head in the toilet pretty much till about 2 minutes before leaving for the appointment and then sick in the car and then sick in the hospital toilets about 5 minutes before i went in. SO after being so ill and not having much sleep and still trying to come to terms with the fact i was going to be a mum i get to the desk and the midwife hands me a form to fill out while i wait to go in. So it was a mulitple choice form which deciphers what likely hood i'll have of having post natal depression. So it was questions like "are you miserable" etc so i filled it out, pretty much on how i was feeling that morning. I get into the midwifes office and she reads it over and tallies it up and goes 'you've scored a 12 that's high risk category for Post natal Depression.' To which i replied "how am i spose to fill it out with how im feeling right now, if i had of been feeling healthy and on top of the world it would of come out totally different' .So then she takes a moment to look over my medical history and what meds im on and goes ' i see your on an anti depressant, that means your highly likely to have Post natal depression, so when your baby is born a midwife will see you everyday for the first week you are home to make sure you havent harmed your baby'. Once again steriotypes with anti depressents, my heart sank, i turned to my partner and had tears in my eyes and all he could do was just hold my hand cause he knew how hurt i was, it was like i was already a bad mother and yet i hadnt given birth yet.

[LuluHB]

Unfortunately the criticism and "advice" doesn't stop when you give birth - nothing you get now will compare to what you get when your son is born!!!

Like Sherie said, some people will mean well with their advice. Others will think that if you don't do things the way they do you're the worst mother in the world. I've listened to all the advice people have offered me over the 8 months of my DD's life. Some of it was really useful, some worked for their baby but not mine, and some was just complete nonsense that I disregarded. I narrowly avoided an argument with a good friend when she continued to insist that my 7 day old baby was manipulating me when I cuddled her to sleep!!!

It is annoying when you get unwanted advice, and even more so when you've struggled with a decision yourself and other people come along to make you second guess yourself. My advice (ha ha) is fight the fights you think you need to fight, but as much as you can just smile and let it go, and just do whatever it is you think is right for your family. Its not worth the effort with some people.

[Evie76]

lulu is right. The advice only gets worse.

People give you advice etc and most of it just needs to be filed in the junk basket. Just nod your head and move on. You do what you want to and what you feel is best.

I had a really great friend who was always giving me crappy advice - she had just given birth to her second baby 4 months earlier. The last straw was when she looked at Daniel, who was 3 months at the time, and said, "Ooh no!! He's getting a flat head. Don't you turn his head every half hour??" I didn't say anything (Just sort of laughed inwardly and thought - "He's a baby, not a lamb on a spit.") I haven't spoken to her since. That was 7 months ago - just not interested in it and don't need it I'm afraid.

Some of the stuff people come out with is just garbage. At one point I thought I would write a quote book with all of the stuff people said to me when I was pg and afterwards. But, then I thought - why devote energy to it.

I even had contraband at the hospital when Daniel was born. I gave him a dummy and when I heard the nurses coming in, I would pluck it out and hide it. If that isn't insanity, I dunno what is. Now that I'm a more confident mother and I know that I'm pretty good at being a mum, next time around I won't be so quick to worry about what others say.

You do whatever you want for the health of your baby and yourself.

[Roquen]

Hey Shell, don't let it worry you too much. I guess with this sort of thing, everyone (esp females)have pretty strong feelings about how things should be done. Just do whatever feels right for you and DJ at the time, you aren't having a baby to please everyone else, just smile and do it your way. You have every right to and I know you well enough to know you will do everything you can to provide a happy and healthy life for DJ. xo

[shell_120308]

Thanks Ness :-) Yeah I think I just needed to vent kehehee

[sassy123]

hahaha i have some of DP's male friends that tell me stuff and i mena one of them is a 25yo virgin so i just smilenad nod when he says stuff nad laugh it off later.
It is hard but everyone has their own ways of doing things so everyoen will think their way is right. liek u said just smilenad be nice and just do wat ur comfortable with ur his mum and thats wat matters.