Massive arguments with DH about to circumcise v's not to

[love.tillie]

Hi have just spent the night on the couch after heated debate about circumcision of our son even though we don't even know if we are having a boy!!
How do we deal with that one???? I say No he says Yes.

[Just Me]

It's tough when you just don't agree

I don't want to add to your debate about whether to circumcise or not because that is a choice only you and DH can make ...

I guess the only thing I can really think to do is to talk to him about why it is important to you not to circumcise and why it is important for him to circumcise ... if you haven't already done this. Also, don't debate each other reasons, just allow each other to talk and listen and then not talk about it for a couple of days and really think about what the other is saying. It's hard in these situations where it really is a bit of a win-lose and someone feels like they aren't getting what they want. Unfortunately, there is no middle road especially if the issue is really important to both of you. Sometimes these issues can be solved by just feeling that your point of view has been heard and one of you might realise it is not as important as you thought (sometimes it is still very important to both of you but I think it is important to understand where the other is coming from without judgement).

I'm sorry I don't have anything more profound to offer ... failing all that, for a girl

[CharlieBrownGirl]

It's hard when you're both passionate about a topic.

In terms of crossing that bridge for our son, I'll be leaving that decision with DP.

For many of my friends who wanted their son to under go the procedure they missed the opportunity due to not booking in within the timeframe at the hospital.

Hope you and your DH can come to a solution.

[love.tillie]

Just Me and CharlieBrownGirl,

Thanks for your replies. Much appreciated!

We did kind of just head butt without going into each others reasons and beliefs about why and why not. Although we have had strong talks about it in the past when we were not expecting. And we came to the same conclusion.
I guess now we really need to nut it out before the big day or it might influence the delivery day to start with because it will definitely be on my mind!
And Just Me we did hope it was a girl afterwards!!
I will do more research and talk to DH...

X

[TeniBear]

A very similar thread was posted a couple of days ago - https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ee-148044.html

Maybe look up all you can about it, and be ready for any arguments he might try to throw your way. There's a site called circumstition (or something along those lines) that has a treasure trove of arguments against cutting. Try that one

[Rainbow_Mumma]

i was going to say i posted about this a few days ago but teni already linked my post

ive shown DH videos of the procedure even ones that state the coma like state babies go into, shown him the facts that there is no reason to circumsise but he is digging his heels in and still all for it (we dont know if either, both or none or the twins are boys yet either) but Im just hoping in all the comotion of birth and life with newborns he forgets all about it - i know wishful thinking on my part but it may with any luck be one of those things that keeps getting put off especially as you do have to pay for it and its tough these days finding a dr that will do the procedure (although im sure thats only subject to area)

Good luck with your "battle" glad im not alone as im fighting it too!

[Miss E]

I couldve written your post word for word 18 months ago... And we did end up having a boy so I'm glad we resolved it before he arrived. In the end I decided to let DH make the decision on the proviso that he researched it and didn't just choose to because he was. I collected a few web links for him (mainly gathered from bb) with arguments for and against circumcision and gave him the time and space he needed to digest the information and form an opinion. In the end he made the choice not to, he said what really struck a cord with him was sn article that compared it to removing all babies tonsils at birth jic they get tonsillitis when they're older.

For me it was really hard to let go and relinquish control of the decision, but by empowering DH with it and getting him to research it and make it based on reasoning rather than 'just because' we were able to resolve it amicably. If he had decided to go ahead with it, I probably wouldve been disappointed but would have accepted his choice because at least I'd know it was an educated one iykwim. In the end I'm glad we took this approach (and not just because I got my way LOL) because it has set a good basis/approach for us to resolve other differences in parenting that pop up.

HTH and GL, it is so difficult when you don't see eye to eye on something like this

[Just Me]

I would probably advise against arming yourself with more arguments to go against anything he tries to say just because sometimes in situations like this, people just want to feel heard. It it not always about 'winning' an argument, sometimes it is about feeling respected enough that your partner would stop and actually listen to what you are saying and feeling validated. It also makes the other person more likely to listen. Sometimes once people have had themselves heard, they don't feel the need to keep debating it and they realise it wasn't as important. I think by making arguments for every reason he gives, it may just make him feel not listened to and more determined. It is not guaranteed that he won't decide it is important, but at least he will feel heard and tell him you would like to think about it for a couple of days and don't discuss it. In a couple of days, if you come back to talk to him and just say that you have a couple of concerns about circumcision and your reasons, hopefully he will listen also.

Also, be careful about the info that you gather because not all of it is entirely correct for Australia and if you want to argue from an info point of view, if you information isn't correct then it could cause more issues and further push your DH into wanting circumcision at all costs.

I am not trying to give an opinion either way on circumcision because what happens in your family is totally up to you and your DH. I really think the important thing here is that you listen to each other and not necessarily armour up for a debate. Everybody likes to feel like their opinions are valid and respected especially in a relationship. I think it is important you understand your own point of view and why it is important to you so that you can share that with your DH as well but not to argue with everything he says, just so that you can share your own opinion.

I hope all that makes sense ...

[Anise3]

I couldve written your post word for word 18 months ago... And we did end up having a boy so I'm glad we resolved it before he arrived. In the end I decided to let DH make the decision on the proviso that he researched it and didn't just choose to because he was. I collected a few web links for him (mainly gathered from bb) with arguments for and against circumcision and gave him the time and space he needed to digest the information and form an opinion. In the end he made the choice not to, he said what really struck a cord with him was sn article that compared it to removing all babies tonsils at birth jic they get tonsillitis when they're older.

For me it was really hard to let go and relinquish control of the decision, but by empowering DH with it and getting him to research it and make it based on reasoning rather than 'just because' we were able to resolve it amicably. If he had decided to go ahead with it, I probably wouldve been disappointed but would have accepted his choice because at least I'd know it was an educated one iykwim. In the end I'm glad we took this approach (and not just because I got my way LOL) because it has set a good basis/approach for us to resolve other differences in parenting that pop up.

HTH and GL, it is so difficult when you don't see eye to eye on something like this

This is exactly what I did with my DH... I told him I was against it and why, sent him a tonne of research and statistics about it and told him to really go through it all thoroughly, think carefully about it and if he still wanted to go ahead with it then it's his decision to make. I also said that if he decides it's still important to him to have it done then he would be the one to go with DS and sit with him through the procedure.

He did exactly that and also came to the conclusion that the risks outweigh any possible future benefits and we wouldn't proceed with it. If DS needs it done later in life then so be it, at least it will be done under a general anaesthetic.

Good Luck, it's much easier to handle disagreements maturely and for any decision that is made to at least be an informed one.

[beckoes]

i think Miss E's idea is great....DH says if we have a boy he would want it dont to, but i know my DH, if i dont organise it, it wont get done so i dont think i have much to worry about but i think if you try that and give him the chance to really educate himself about it hopefully he will decide not to go ahead with it.good luck!

[Aligater]

Is your DH done as that can be alot of the problem

[love.tillie]

Hi again, thanks firstly for the replies.

I have myself tried to inform myself either way, if a little bias on my part. And i have tried to get DH to look at my info but he is reluctant to take it in as DH feels that he himself can't articulate the reasons why it shld be done other than to tell me he is a man, which is not good enough for me.
I feel it is my duty as a parent to protect my son and give him the opportunity to make the choice to have his skin removed if he wants it done.
Of course if there was some anatomical issue with his penis such as phimosis (tight skin) which is quite rare, and why would i authorise such a procedure Just in case??, then if he did have that problem i am more than happy to have the procedure done pain free sounds good too!!
Anyway my main thing is i think it shld be his choice, its his body.
And yes Aligater, DH is circumcised....

[Frantelle]

I have had this discussion with my husband and have told him that should we have a boy the descision is his to make. Funnily my DH is in favour of circumcission but is not circumcised himself. I do however agree that you need to sought this out before bubba arives.

Good luck this is just the first of many parenting decisions that you may not agree on

[Aligater]

Often its a matter of its good enough for me its good enough for them Im in favour but thats how I was brought up but I would never push it on someone dead against it even my DH if I had aboy and he didnt want it done I wouldnt I know the risks for and against

[Charlotte91]

Just wanted to say thanks for this thread.

DP and I aren't fighting over this issue, but he is standing strong on the fact that our bub (we're pretty convinced its a boy...) will be circumcised.
DP had alot of issues because he wasn't done, and had to be done at 14 years old and that's traumatised him.

This thread has helped by the suggestion that if he wants it done he needs to research it. We're seeing the surgeon (who'll operate on bub for another reason) in about 2 weeks, and DP was planning on talking to him then aout circumcision.

Thanks!

[tinkerbelle]

Tell him how there is some research that says it reduces sexual sensation in a male... I think the research is conflicting but that one will usually hit a spot with most men..
The other thing is - how bout sitting down together with your obstetrician or whoever is treating you at the hospital and getting them to go through risks/benefits.. I think you will find as someone else said that most Drs are against it these days, so it shouldnt be hard for your Dr to persuade him to not do it, or for your husband to be persuaded by the risks that your Dr might put forward. Maybe you could meet with the Dr first to find out their stance on it too and make sure your husband will get information you are happy with.

[helle]

I haven't read any other posts but our biggest thing was difference in this generation.

How can I word this ...

Alot of boys now don't get circumcised, and we came to the conclusion that it will be other kids that will tease each other about their bits being different before his father does. That was our main reason for not getting it done.
Call it a fashion trend XD

Then of course the fact that we don't circumcise females because it's so why males. But I think the breaker was when I told DH he can organise it if he wanted it done that bad, and he never did

[Fleur]

DH & I had the same argument 13 years ago... he is snipped & wanted his son to be as well. I didn't.

At the time I didn't have a lot of research or reason not to, just that I felt it wasn't necessary. In the end I told him it would be up to him to talk to the doctors, find out all about it, make the appt & hold our son while it was done.

He didn't. And these days he speaks up (albeit gently) against circumcision.

A big part of it for him was holding his baby son... it put a whole different spin on it for him IYKWIM.

I think MissE's approach is a great idea, and I would also suggest if you can both tread gently, agree to disagree just for a bit.... until bub actually arrives... that *might* make the difference as it did for us.

Alot of boys now don't get circumcised, and we came to the conclusion that it will be other kids that will tease each other about their bits being different before his father does. That was our main reason for not getting it done.
Call it a fashion trend XD

I had the same POV.