Mum wants to be birth partner

[Cricket]

Wow ladies - just wanted to pop my head in and say you've given me a new reason to be thankful for the mum and MIL I have! They wouldn't dream of coming uninvited, and my mum has not even hinted that she would like to be there. (I really don't know if she would or not - something to think about some day maybe, since she only had c-sections, and I know she hated that. Maybe helping at one of my or my sister's births would be nice for her . . . hmmmmmm. Not now though.) MIL did say that if they need an extra pair of hands she'll be there! I just laughed. For now, I'm with you ladies - if you weren't at the conception, you shouldn't be at the delivery! (Unless you're the midwife - can't escape them, I guess! )
Anyways, I hope your situations resolve peaceably, and remind yourself that you are not asking anything unreasonable. It is perfectly normal and right to expect to labour and deliver with those you are comfortable with, and no one else. Don't let them guilt you into thinking otherwise. They are the ones being unreasonable!

[Smoke Jaguar]

That's great about your mum and MIL, Cricket. My MIL is ace, so that just makes me feel even worse about my mum - it should be MY mum who's ace, at the very least A great MIL should be the bonus. Sometimes, knowing about the great mothers has me feeling grumbly and cheated.(ETA: but mostly I deal with it ok!)

[MummyNelly]

I just wanted to add that i wish my mum was like some of urs! She lives about 7hrs away from me and i asked her to come when bub is due to watch my 3yr old and she said no! It didn't really make me feel that important or wanted that she decided work was more important than her daughter, son in law, grandson! She pretty much only has me since she hasnt spoken to my sis or her parents for about 7yrs! She does casual work and im sure if she told them the reason she couldnt work they would be completely fine with it. ohwell her decision i guess! just would have been nice to have someone here for this special time but we can cope without.

hope all goes well with everyones pregnancy and labours!

[sconeonamission]

It was my decision not to have my mother there. We also said that we weren't telling anyone when we went into labour, incase it went too long or it was the middle of the night etc. My mother lives 1.5hrs away, so it would have taken her ages anyway. She got over that the closer the due date. We ended up calling her first, incase she had to work, so she'd have time to arrive before visiting hours. Then again, dh's parents live 15mins away and we rang them and said not to come up til visiting hours and they came up straight away. Go figure.

Good luck and all the best!

[BekZ]

MummyNelly - My mum lives 4hours away and already she is making herself "sick" and saying that she maybe too sick to travel to Brisbane for the birth of her second granddaughter who is due in 10wks time. She started this caper 6 months before I got married and only showed up 12 hours before the wedding, then she was sick at the wedding and wanted me to miss my reception to sit with her. She did not even bother to come for my first daughters birth and when I ran her to say that DD had arrived she said that was lovely and promptly told that she had a miragraine!!!!!!

sorry Dragonbub this was thread was supposed to be about you. How did you go talking to your mum this weekend?

[New Dawn]

Well as my DH couldn't been there for baby number 3 I had my mum fly up to be there for me and I too thought that I would feel really uncomfy but in the end it was about me giving birth and not her. She was really great didnt really do much just let the midwife do what she need to do. But she has said now that it was the best experance for her even though she said she felt helpless as she new the pain I was in but new that there was nothing she could do. I'm am so glad now that I let her come in.

[Freya]

My mother wasnt at my son's birth as she was interstate and even if she wasnt I still wouldnt have had her there as we have a strained relationship at best and I know she would have been criticising me and giving me the "When I gave birth to you we did/didnt do..........blah blah blah" speeches, as well as demeaning my choice to birth drug free (I always got 'Oh youll be screaming like a banshee and having an epidural within 5min of labour starting', I loved being able to stick it to her that I did it drug free, in complete silence!). Plus my DH hates her and really the birth is all about us, not extended family. That said when the time came my inlaws happened to be in the room because it went so fast and I didnt think to kick them out. Didnt phase me though as they were a great help. My mother has never forgiven me for her not being there but tough titties.

This time round she is closer but I still wont have her there. DH and my friend will be my birth support.

Just tell your Mum that the birth of your child is about YOU and DH, and that although you can appreciate her excitedness and wanting to be there, its YOUR choice and you've decided the answer is no. As for her being at the hospital come he!! or high water, um the nursing staff can ask her to leave and she HAS to go if you dont want her anywhere there. They arent allowed to let every tom- **** and harry in and out of the labour ward just because theyre a mother/sibling/friend/cousin. Just tell the nursing staff that under no circumstance is she to get anywhere near the labour ward until YOU consent, not DH.

[Dragonbub]

Hey Mayaness - wow, they could be sisters! The thing is, mum has moments of temporary sanity where she can be completely reasonable and normal. It is hard to judge.

As it were, we "chatted" yesterday and she took it ok I suppose, if complete denial counts! She pretty much said that she will make her way to the hospital with my sis and sit there all day if she has to. She said "they are sure to have a lounge or something where I will just wait and take a blanket and watch tv". I said that no, they dont' have a lounge and she would have to wait in the reception area. Fine if it is the morning, but during the day people will be coming and going to appointments. She said that didn't bother her and she will go back to my place if she isn't comfortable.

I reiterated that I didn't want to have to worry about her comfort, nor did I want DH and sis worrying about her also, that is why I wanted to know that she was safe and sound at our place. She said that my sister's labours were really quick, so mine is probably going to be quick

Anyway, DH and I have discussed it and will be going ahead with our plan to not have her in the room, regardless. If she wants to stay in the reception area and wait 10 hours, that is up to her. Belle - DH doesn't want her to be there either cos he wants bonding time with his new bub without distractions.

Bekz - it is funny, we never seem to get exactly what we want huh? After my sister's second birth, mum was away and didn't come visit for about a week later. When I told her she should be there, she just said "I have seen one birth, I don't need to see them all" like it is about HER and what she needs to see, not whether my sis wanted her to meet her new grandson or not.

So anyway, not what was expected, but at least I have made my feelings clear (as mud maybe, but I have tried...).

Thankyou again for all your support. Don't worry, this thread was never about ME, it is just about dealing with unwanted attention, and as most people have said, the guilt associated with choosing something YOU want, rather than what THEY want. The mother/daughter relationship seems so complicated, that it is hard to put your own feelings first knowing that it could potentially hurt theirs.

Anyway, no more rambling. We shall just see what happens on the day,

Thanks again *hugs* for everyone

[Dragonbub]

Hey Nessa - wow, at least my MIL is staying away. She has other things on her mind so I don't have to worry about it. It is a different dynamic with a MIL as it is with a mum, as it is harder to tell her you don't want her there when your mum has been there. I have no advice, other than to commiserate at how selfish they can be, like "pick me, pick me, I want a turn to!" like children. Good luck. Maybe do what one lady suggested and just call them when the baby is born! I would do this but mum really would never forgive me...

[Pan]

Hi all, I must admit I just can't imagine having anyone except my DH there. My Mum & Sister are panickers and fainters so although I'm sure they would love "the idea" of being there in reality it just wouldnt work. I would actually like no one else at the hospital at the time as I really think its important for my DH to bond with the baby. He has actually never held a baby, he has avoided it all these years! so I think its important for him to be comfortable before the onslaught of visitors. I am already starting to think how to tell my Mum that so I can only imagine what its like for some of you. I think the phone call after it happens is a good idea, my parents are only half an hour away but I just have images of them pacing around the hospital or the surrounding areas "waiting for the call" I'm sure I'll be excited when the time comes to show off the baby so it wont be an issue.

[Mrschunk]

Dragonbub,

I really hope your mum co-operates when the time comes.

At the start of my pregnancy i asked my mum and MIL to be at the birth, as well as DH of course. Then as the pregnancy progressed i got more and more nervous about having them both there. To the point that i was stressing about it all the time.

Anyway the afternoon before i went into labour i spoke to my mum about it and told her my concerns and she totally understood (luckily) how i was feeling etc and we came to an agreement that if i felt when i went into labour that she was only a phone call away. I actually think that having that weight lifted off my shoulders i relaxed and that allowed me to go into labour.

When we got to the hospital i was in so much pain etc i decided that i really did need my mum there, so we called them both (my mum and MIL) and got them to both come down. I honestly have no idea how i would have coped without at least just my mum there, and DH without his (he was distraught seeing me in such pain).

I really hope your mum doesnt cause too many probs when the time comes. I have read that if you are stressing about people waiting on the birth that it can hold the labour up.

Try to relax as much as possible.

Take Care,

Prue