is your partner going to watch the birth?

[Ginger]

i read an article in The Age yesterday which has completely freaked me out. it was called 'making out after baby' and people were talkig about their experiences with sex after child birth. One woman said the following:
'I wish someone had told me that after witnessing me go through childbirth, my husband may no longer see me as a sexual being. I still look much as i did before the baby, had an easy birth, but according to him i'm a mother now and don't turn him on anymore. According to me, i'm still a sexual being with needs. i feel humiliated, disgusting and have suffered the worst lack of self esteem in my life. my advice to other mums to be is to think very carefully about whether you really want your husbands with you in the delivery room. i loved having my hubby with me during such a momentous occasion in our lives. but i hadn't considered the fallout. we are now seperated. i'm not prepared to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.'
oh my god!!! this has completely freaked me out and terrified me. i was thinking the only way i was gonna get through the birth was to have dp right there next to me talking to me and comforting me. now i don't want him anywhere near me if it's going to have an effect like this....

[Roryrory]

I read the article too but I think before you panic you should talk to your DP. If his initial reaction is to guffaw and say "what kind of neanderthal to do think I am?" then you are probably pretty safe But I would suggest that if he says anthing like "well, I have kind of been thinking about that..." or "well, I don't think there will be any issues, but..." then maybe you need to look into it further.
Basically, a lot of guys (apparently) can have all sorts of issues with seeing the head come out because it makes then feel inadequate, size-wise IYKWIM? And still others can have issues where as soon as you become a mother you are some how holy and untouchable, and need to kind of be like the Virgin Mary or something. If you think your guy is likely to have any of these sorts of issues then by all means have counselling/read up on it/whatever, but honestly most blokes don't have anywhere near the issues like in that article.

[Inanna]

Oooohhh I am not sure how to respond to this without stepping on toes... Trying to put on my diplomatic and understanding human being cap.... So please be patient...

Okay. My husband isn't there to watch the birth, he is there to support his lifepartner in the tremendous effort of soul, body and spirit it takes to birth a baby. I remember back to our first baby, I asked him if he wanted to be there. He kinda looked at me like I had twenty heads. "Where else would I be"? was his response... I would have seriously questioned MY choice in life partner had he not wanted to be there. (my personal feeling).

Okay our vaginas up until the point of our first birth have been a sexual object perhaps for our partners. So, yep seeing a child's head poke through, then some eyes, a nose and a face could be a tad unnerving IF your body is only seen as a sexual object.
However, we are so much more. My mind, my soul, my spirit and my fandango are all sexual or not depending on the occassion.

Birth IS a sexual act also. It's the end result of a sexual act. Do we need to separate the two???? I don't believe so. I think that's why there can be much difficulty for some women in birthing. We don't make love in front of a room full of strangers with bright lights and stainless steel. Why are we put in those environs to birth??? Anyway that is a whole other post...

I think Rory's suggestion is a good one. Ask yor partner how he feels. He doesn't have to see the head crown if this is something he feels would be too much for him. How would you feel about that? I think it's something that you are wise to investigate with him, and perhaps if you have very differing views seeking out a counsellor to help you through it may be an option.

Conversley, we should all be "allowed" to choose what situations we are put in. Some men just can't do it... They have their story and their reasons too and I believe shouldn't be judged.

However, if the only reason is that it's a sexual turn off I think that needs to be worked through...

[Ginger]

flowerchild, i'm not sure are you worried about stepping on my toes?? to be 100% honest with you, your husband sounds a lot more understanding, mature and 'in touch with' his humanity than mine is. not that i'm saying dp isn't a beautiful and supportive partner to me- he is. but he is very 'blokey' iykwim, and this is part of his charm and what i find attractive about him. he isn't everyone's cup of tea, but then neither am i. i just don't think he's going to be 'there for me' at this moment in our lives in the same way as your husband has been for you, and this is what concerns me. i have trouble imagining him seeing birth as a sexual act as he has an immature view on these sorts of things at times.

[Inanna]

I am not sure what you mean Gracie... I know that sometimes when folk have differing opinions this can feel confronting. This is what Imeant by stepping on toes...

If this is how you truly feel then perhaps you need to investigate another person to be a support for you. If you don't feel he can give you what you need at this important time perhaps you have a close friend that is supportive of your birthing views? Or you could hire a doula...

There are ways around the problem. I hope you can find a solution that fits for you...

[maddysmummy]

if he doesent want to see the baby come out then dont look stay up with you!! the nurses understand if it makes him feel weak at the knees seeing things like that!

[becmc]

I can't really understand how seeing their own child born could put a man off being sexual with his partner??
You both made the baby, so are both having the baby. Kind of seems a bit immature if a man would see you differently because of your child being born.
As I said I don't understand though, so please don't anyone take my comments personally.

[Julie Doula]

Grrrr. Feeling extremely annoyed at the immaturity of the man in that article and extremely sorry for his wife! I also feel sorry for all well-evolved, mature, complex, emotionally-intelligent men out there who get given a bad name by idiots like that man!

I am so sorry for this woman's experience but I think that you'll find her husband's thoughtless, hurtful comments were in the context of many other levels of emotional abusiveness in that relationship. Possibly even physical abuse/neglect/insensitivity. That kind of insensitivity does not bode well for the long-term survival of the relationship. The woman could "Try Harder To Please" by taking the Blame onto herself and jumping through this particular Hoop: "I promise I will never expect my husband to support me when I give birth any more. I will be a good girl" - but even if she jumps obediently through THIS hoop - there will be others held up for her - and others - and others.

Gracie, your dp might not be insensitive bully material like the twerp in the article. Maybe you could talk with him about it? My head is filled with all these beautiful images from recent birth videos I've seen, (mostly water births) in which the dads were so moved, the look of wonder, joy and tears on their faces were just awesome. My experience of men at birth is that they feel so proud of their wives and sharing the experience together bonds them closer together in intimacy. Many women find their sexuality improves after childbirth (I did). There's a new strength and confidence. You become more fully 'woman' somehow. Most husbands LOVE that!

There's a great book by Australian David Vernon called 'Men at Birth'. Perhaps that might be good reading for you and dp?

Gracie, don't worry hun, it's a pity about that scary article and I'm not at all suprised that poor girl is now separated - but if that's his idea of 'love and commitment' no wonder, and it was probably bound to happen anyway.

My DH (sitting next to me) found being at the birth a natural culmination of the exciting journey of conceiving together, the growing pregnancy ... at the birth he caught the baby in his own hands. He said it was like a miracle. He says he felt closer to me and more sexually attracted to me. Our bond definitely improved through birthing our babies together. He says if he had missed it, he would have felt like he missed out on a huge chunk of our family life.

Birth is part of sex and (healthy) men recognize it as part of not only their wife's sexuality but part of their own sexuality and manhood too.

One couple I worked with, the dad (a real Kiwi bloke) was concerned about seeing blood and did not want to see the "gory" bits. So I affirmed that and said, see how you go at the time, if you feel you need to leave you can. (I knew he wouldn't). When the time came, his gutsy wife was doing such a beautiful job of birthing her firstborn. She kneeled on the mat and over the width of the bed, was holding on tight to the hands of her dh. He, on the otherside of the bed, was sufficiently removed from the action 'down there' that he was not upset. All he had to do what hold her hands and look at her. They locked eye contact, and she birthed their baby. Lovely compromise. He was SO PROUD and impressed by her.

It's natural that husbands can be traumatised by seeing their beloved wife or partner go through trauma. But if you are in a place where your birth and body will be treated with patience and respect, the experience is better for the dads too because they likewise are treated as central, not peripheral to the experience. Places that are insensitive to dads are likely to be insensitive to mothers and babies too. So, choosing a gentle birth place that will serve your needs will likely optimize chances of a good experience not only for you & baby but the dad too.

Gracie, congratulations on your fine Bloke, I wish I could show you the photo of the utter pride on the face of a big burly Dad I worked with recently, covered in tats, high on happiness, holding his newborn and staring at his dp like she was a worker of magic! This couple had a previous traumatic birth and this one was really healing for them both. Sometimes these blokey guys have a soft centre that comes to the fore at the critical moment - he may suprise himself ... and you ....

I hope you and dp have a wonderful experience together as you bring your little one into the world.

[Ginger]

Julie- thank you so much for your reply. it has made me feel so much better, i can't even tell you- i actually felt a bit teary as i was reading it. the whole first baby thing is very daunting, and it's even harder for me as my mother, who was the closest person in the world to me, died of cancer 1 month before i fell pregnant. it breaks my heart knowing that she died without ever knowing that she was going to be a grandma. i'm just feeling anxious about how dp is going to cope, as this is his first time through this experience as well. this article made me feel sick to the stomach and increased my anxiety (i've already been having heaps of anxiety throughout my pregnancy over all sorts of different things). i will talk to him about it more, i thought i might wait until we'd done some of our birthing classes, when he sort of had more of an idea about what it is all about iykwim?

[Ginger]

flowerchild- i didn't say this was my opinion in any way- it was just something i read that got me thinking about it. that's why i was confused if you were worried about stepping on my toes. i feel really sorry for the woman in this article, and as you can see this is my first time at this and the article truly scared me. i wanted to know if my fears were legitimate.

[~Debbie~]

My DH was there for the lot. He seen everything, and was so amazing wonderful. What he witnessed, i can only imagine, as, i have never seen it. IYKWIM? I know that he helped in keeping me clean, with towels being swapped, blood was lost, water broke, #2 happened, but, to have my DH witness all that, just i feel made as abit closer in some sense.

1 of his 'so-called' mates asked him if he watched it. DH said that he did. And the mate said 'no way could i watch that, its not NATURAL!!!!" Can you believe??? I was stunned, considering some of the crap XXX emails we get from this guy.

I have asked DH if he feels differently about my bits since then, and he says no, he doesnt really associate the 2 together. Is hankering to get back in the sack.

[Julie Doula]

Is hankering to get back in the sack.

Happy days!!!! Rock on!!! I love it

[Inanna]

I wasn't worried about stepping on your toes in particular. As I said stepping on toes... This can be a sensitive issue for some.
I too feel incredible empathy for the woman in the article. And I understand that it's a difficult one for some couples...

[visitor1]

My hubby finds me even more appealing... my vag is not just a sexual pleasure anymore.. but an opening (hmm ok maybe not the best word to use...but i cant think of wat i wanna say) that welcomed our DD and will be for our next child. He isnt freaked out by it at all.

[Julie Doula]

Hi Gracie,

I'm so sorry about your Mum, how proud she would have been of you and how much she would have loved this. There's something about becoming a mum that really makes you appreciate your own mum. Birth can often spark a fresh layer of grieving for a recently passed dear one. I wonder if this thread might help you? (it might make you cry too) - about a woman who lost her dad just days after she gave birth.

It's a Safe Place

I was 30 when I had my first, too. My mother was 10,000 miles away at the time. I wonder if hiring a doula might be an idea, to support both you and dp? That's one of the ways they describe doula care - "mothering the mother". (That appealed to me at the time because I really felt like I had a deficit of nurturing mothering as I approached birth).

Nothing/no one can replace a special loved one, but I have found though, that when life brings kindly people into my life, it's like those who are watching over me are smiling and saying, "I'm glad that lovely person is there for you at this time."

[noobie]

Sadly, I don't think this inability to see the female body in it's two roles is just a guy issue. I have some female friends who have had babies and who can't watch child birth footage - they say it's gross. One left her antental classes as soon as they showed footage of child birth and never went back. I've also seen women tutting and pulling faces at other women breastfeeding discretely in public, as if the mother is scandalous for having her breast out. There are probably also women who no matter how hard they try, cannot make the mental shift needed to see your breasts change from a cleavage to a baby's food source and back again. We all conditioned differently and like the guys, don't know how we are going to react until it happens.

I think part of is that we live in such a protected society that covers up graphic images of birth and even surgery in general. We aren't used to seeing all that blood and fluid and stuff from inside. It's a shame because I'm sure there are probably many cultures in the world where we aren't conditioned to be turned off by the normal functions of the natural body and where there wouldn't be any kind of issues like these.

Not that it is an excuse for not even trying to get over the issues with help after the birth ... particuarly when the guy in the article must surely see how it tortures his wife. You'd think he'd want to do something to change his perception otherwise, won't he feel that way towards all women? We all have pretty similar bits. ;-)

[cruemum]

With my first son he was up the clean end, however with the second one he had no choice. My Jensen was born without warning, I went from 4cms to him crowning in 5 mins.
No warmers, staff (apart from midwife) etc so he had to help deliver him and this time cut the cord.
I wouldnt have been able to do it without his strength and comfort.

[~Raven~]

My DH was there for all three of my births. He held my hand, gave me drinks, rubbed my back. He heard me moan and scream.
He saw amniotic fluid, blood, poo (mine and the babies). He saw his sons come out of my vagina.

He still thinks I'm very sexy and sometimes I feel like I have to beat him off with a stick We got it back on after a couple of months and our sex life is better than ever.

Don't worry about what you read from one article. FWIW they could have had marital problems before they were pregnant.