is your partner going to watch the birth?

[Julie Doula]

Grrrr. Feeling extremely annoyed at the immaturity of the man in that article and extremely sorry for his wife! I also feel sorry for all well-evolved, mature, complex, emotionally-intelligent men out there who get given a bad name by idiots like that man!

I am so sorry for this woman's experience but I think that you'll find her husband's thoughtless, hurtful comments were in the context of many other levels of emotional abusiveness in that relationship. Possibly even physical abuse/neglect/insensitivity. That kind of insensitivity does not bode well for the long-term survival of the relationship. The woman could "Try Harder To Please" by taking the Blame onto herself and jumping through this particular Hoop: "I promise I will never expect my husband to support me when I give birth any more. I will be a good girl" - but even if she jumps obediently through THIS hoop - there will be others held up for her - and others - and others.

Gracie, your dp might not be insensitive bully material like the twerp in the article. Maybe you could talk with him about it? My head is filled with all these beautiful images from recent birth videos I've seen, (mostly water births) in which the dads were so moved, the look of wonder, joy and tears on their faces were just awesome. My experience of men at birth is that they feel so proud of their wives and sharing the experience together bonds them closer together in intimacy. Many women find their sexuality improves after childbirth (I did). There's a new strength and confidence. You become more fully 'woman' somehow. Most husbands LOVE that!

There's a great book by Australian David Vernon called 'Men at Birth'. Perhaps that might be good reading for you and dp?

Gracie, don't worry hun, it's a pity about that scary article and I'm not at all suprised that poor girl is now separated - but if that's his idea of 'love and commitment' no wonder, and it was probably bound to happen anyway.

My DH (sitting next to me) found being at the birth a natural culmination of the exciting journey of conceiving together, the growing pregnancy ... at the birth he caught the baby in his own hands. He said it was like a miracle. He says he felt closer to me and more sexually attracted to me. Our bond definitely improved through birthing our babies together. He says if he had missed it, he would have felt like he missed out on a huge chunk of our family life.

Birth is part of sex and (healthy) men recognize it as part of not only their wife's sexuality but part of their own sexuality and manhood too.

One couple I worked with, the dad (a real Kiwi bloke) was concerned about seeing blood and did not want to see the "gory" bits. So I affirmed that and said, see how you go at the time, if you feel you need to leave you can. (I knew he wouldn't). When the time came, his gutsy wife was doing such a beautiful job of birthing her firstborn. She kneeled on the mat and over the width of the bed, was holding on tight to the hands of her dh. He, on the otherside of the bed, was sufficiently removed from the action 'down there' that he was not upset. All he had to do what hold her hands and look at her. They locked eye contact, and she birthed their baby. Lovely compromise. He was SO PROUD and impressed by her.

It's natural that husbands can be traumatised by seeing their beloved wife or partner go through trauma. But if you are in a place where your birth and body will be treated with patience and respect, the experience is better for the dads too because they likewise are treated as central, not peripheral to the experience. Places that are insensitive to dads are likely to be insensitive to mothers and babies too. So, choosing a gentle birth place that will serve your needs will likely optimize chances of a good experience not only for you & baby but the dad too.

Gracie, congratulations on your fine Bloke, I wish I could show you the photo of the utter pride on the face of a big burly Dad I worked with recently, covered in tats, high on happiness, holding his newborn and staring at his dp like she was a worker of magic! This couple had a previous traumatic birth and this one was really healing for them both. Sometimes these blokey guys have a soft centre that comes to the fore at the critical moment - he may suprise himself ... and you ....

I hope you and dp have a wonderful experience together as you bring your little one into the world.