I never expected this. What would you do?

So my BIL is getting married in a month to someone he has known for approximately 9 or so months now. She's a nice girl, we get a long. I just received a super long FB message from her, of which the relevant part says:

" I feel that I should let you know in advance that my family are an older crowd and are quite conservative.
Based on this I have one request of you on my wedding day, which is a very special day for me and a lot of people very dear to me, that when you breast feed Isaiah that you please DO NOT do so inside the church or in any photos. In every other circumstance can you please use a shawl.
It is nothing personal. I fully respect your personal decisions, but on my special day I ask you respect my wishes."

I'm ****ed. It's her wedding, I get that, and I wouldn't have fed him in the photos anyway. However, I have no issue feeding in a church (I regularly do it at my own) and wouldn't have thought twice about feeding in the reception. I am not using a cover. Is it rude for me to reply along the lines of 'thanks for letting me know how you feel, I will leave the church/reception when I need to feed Isaiah'.

I'm so ticked. I deliberately bought a new dress that I can feed easily and modestly in, specifically for her wedding, what's the point of spending that money now? I could just wear whatever the hell I want, screw it if I have to show more than I'd like because it doesn't matter anyway now that I'll be banished out the back to feed.

If I didn't like her I'd stage a nurse in at the ceremony lol :p

Wow. I guess this is also a side effect of what's happened lately. People are going to think they have a right to get on their high horses in opposition when they don't.

Sadly reminds me of so many other times like this in history :(

I wouldn't go. Simple. But that's me. I'm highly offended for you. And down right angry.

It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

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It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

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Yes I agree.
Just roll with it :)

Is this your husbands brother and his partner? What does your husband think?

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It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

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Have to agree here. Don't let it spoil your potential life time relationship by not showing up or leaving early to make a point of it.

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Is this your husbands brother and his partner? What does your husband think?

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He's ****ed. His first reaction when I told him was "we're not going". I told him not to be so hasty and we'll talk about it.

I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

No way in hell I would go! She could jam it. I don't buy into the obnoxious bridezilla thing, some girls need to get a bloody clue!

I'd go. It's a family wedding after all and abide by her 'rules' to keep the peace. I would be offended though.

If you choose not to go on this principle, make sure that you and DH are willing to always have things strained in that relationship in future.. I didn't go to my brothers wedding due to something I strongly objected to, and our relationship has never been the same.. If I could turn back time, I would've accepted his wife's wishes for the day even though I totally didn't agree with them.

I agree that just this one time I would do as she wishes, simply because it is her wedding and it sounds like she is worried about a family member or 2 making a scene. But any other occasion I would "flop it out" whenever I liked, regardless of who is there.

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I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

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Well, YOU still have an amazing supportive family, I guess you should perhaps feel sorry for her that she does not share in your good fortune. :dunno:

I would feel sorry for her to think that she needed to say something like that to you, I would guess if she was really comfy with breastfeeding that may have been quite awkward for her to say, especially as she is joining your family. She would be I assume trying to ruffle as few feathers as possible and has gone about it probably in the wrong way.

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Wow. I guess this is also a side effect of what's happened lately. People are going to think they have a right to get on their high horses in opposition when they don't.

Sadly reminds me of so many other times like this in history :(

I wouldn't go. Simple. But that's me. I'm highly offended for you. And down right angry.

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I'm with Rouge - i wouldn't go. It's not "just one day" - it may be their wedding day, but it's your life, it's your sons life. it's not like you're going to go and sit on the alter and flop it out (no matter what Kochie seems to think!), you're simply going to feed your son IF he needs to be fed. you're going to comfort him so that you can be part of a wonderful family event and not scream the church down! or the reception! Not to mention if you do it "just this once" it will be expected of you every time there are family events you are all invited to - future baptisms, childrens birthday parties etc - you've done it once for the "older, conservative" relatives to make life easy for them, so you should do it every time....

it's a load of crap being asked to cover up - this is the sort of thing that encourages the likes of Kochie and his minions - that makes them think it's ok to discriminate against someone! and i'm saddened that BB members are encouraging you to just roll with it.

It's ultimately your call. if you want to feed in the church, do it. if you want to feed without a cover, DO IT. Personally, i would. not to make a point or to be in anyones face, but because you're going to the wedding to be AT THE WEDDING, not hiding outside. and i could never feed with a cover. ever. DD hated it and wouldn't attach.

if it were me, i'd reply with something like "i understand your older rellies may not be comfortable with breast feeding, but given I have no choice but to feed him, I don't believe it's reasonable for me to be expected to walk away and hide for the comfort of others - we are coming to your wedding to be AT your wedding. there is little point attending if i'm going to be expected to be outside away from the celebrations whenever Mr I needs to be fed because you're scared some older rellies may get their nose out of joint (and lets not forget it's illegal to expect it of anyone - i'm sure the media hoo ha lately has made that bit clear). i have no issue walking to the rear of the church, or even outside, if Mr I is making noise that is disturbing your ceremony, but given having him feed from me is no different, in what you can see, than holding him while he naps, no, i won't hide him, i won't leave. i'm not meaning to make life difficult for you, as i'm sure you're not trying to make it difficult for me, but i must say that you putting the perceived feelings of your older, conservative, relatives, over the realistic hurt you have caused me with the message you have sent."


FWIW - i have BF in church for "events" more than once. The most supportive people were the people I was concerned would think it was rude or inappropriate - the more conservative religious people! the "older" generation (our grandparents generation) are definitely more accepting of BF the generations that followed them (our parents and younger) - simply because it's all they knew!

Just like I would tell someone to shut up if they were racist, or sexist or homophobic I would be doing the same thing here. And for me I think it sends the wrong message if I were to say one thing, and then turn around and comply with this after the fact. Fear and causing upset is the reason it's 2013 and people still think a baby is performing an adult act when they feed. 2013!!! It's ridiculous. So yes to me it is more than just one day, it is about the future. For everyone. And yes taking a stand at a family event may not seem right to many. But to me that's the most important place to take it because they are the people that mean a lot to me. And in years to come this type of discrimination is seen as simply that... discrimination... they will have to own how they behaved. As will everyone. It's a shame as humans we make the same mistakes over and over again and never learn from.

Hmmmm, I understand what you are saying BG and you are correct but its a risk as to if it would strain family relationship or not. It depends what sort of personality the soonish SIL has. Would she take that response as a slap in the face or would she be more easy going and say fair enough?

I would definitely make it a once off though. Birthday parties, christenings etc don't hold the same extra special family 'importance' or togetherness ( for want of a better word) as do weddings. Just my opinion though.

Personally, I think the SIL took the risk sending something so downright offensive in the first place. It is her that should have been worried about the consequences. I would never in a million years send something like that to someone I cared about, and I don't even think it was worded particularly politey. Complete lack of empathy and sensitivity, to me it sounded self serving and bossy. The sentence 'it's my special day' makes me want to upchuck. Reality check, it's your wedding day but you aren't a Disney princess!

From a photographers point of view, it highly UNLIKELY that you would see it in the pics!!
Yes it's worded as politely as possible, and chances are that she'll be soo busy on her big day she wouldn't even notice if you did BF.
And what would she do if another first wore a really low cut dress anyway, same amount of skin to me!!
I'd go just to the reception, let her think your not going at all, and then when she sees you at the reception, say something like 'sorry I had to ensure bubs was fed and comfy before I came. You'll understand one day'!

Agreed, maybe baby but sometimes you have to keep the peace and let things lie. I guess it depends on how close you are and how much you value the particular relationship as to how you would like to respond.

Maybe I am way off here but I don't think it's as clear cut as standing up for baby and your rights etc. if it was at a pool, cafe etc yeah sure take a stand but I just think making a stand at a wedding is taking a risk.

I truly wouldn't value a relationship with someone who couldn't accept me & my family just as we are.
Regardless, for her to have even considered this as an issue in amongst all of the other relevant things she could be worrying about suggests that maybe it is she who has the problem with breast feeding. The likelihood of those particular family members seeing this one specific person at the exact time they happened to be feeding, when they are supposed to be watching a wedding- not exactly a scenario that most people would have concocted in their head unless they themselves were wary of it. Maybe she pulled the 'it's my day' card to make a point that she otherwise wouldn't get away with.

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I truly wouldn't value a relationship with someone who couldn't accept me & my family just as we are.

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But it's not just the relationship between the original poster and this woman it's also about how it could change the relationship between the two brothers.

Her email isn't polite in the slightest. She sounds very demanding and I agree sounds like she is being a bridezilla. As a Christian I hate hearing of ppl being discriminated against in Church. It is God's church and in my eyes God created our boobs for our babies and I guarantee he would encourage women to breastfeed wherever and whenever their babies needed to be fed. I probably wouldn't go if it were me or I would go but not discuss it with her any further and feed in the day how I normally feed. Like you said, you've bought a special dress for the day so no one will even know you're feeding anyway. The bride will be too busy to notice so just do what you do and feed bub when he needs to regardless of whether you're in the Church or reception!

Sepata said her husband is equally ****ed & doesn't want to go. I think whether intentional or not, the SIL has already crossed that line.

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Complete lack of empathy and sensitivity, to me it sounded self serving and bossy. The sentence 'it's my special day' makes me want to upchuck. Reality check, it's your wedding day but you aren't a Disney princess!

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yeah - and it's THEIR day - not just hers! Shes doing a good job of alienating her future in laws!!

and even if a birthday or christening doesn't carry the same "weight" as a wedding, the precedent of disrespect for the OP is being set - and if it's about how her rellies will perceive it, it will be the same issue at any event. this message should go the other way - "OP will likely be feeding her baby, he's only small, do the right thing and don't say anything out of respect for me - cos IT'S MY DAY afterall" - (and yes, i HAVE done this - i have been the one to pull my own family up and tell them i didn't give a flying fig about their opinion about a person or an action, out of respect for me - on our wedding day - could they pull their heads in for the day)

Ok. It is a very passionate issue. Just thought I'd offer an opinion. Let us know how you decide to approach it. Hope it goes well whatever you choose. :-)

Sepata asked what people would do. There is no right or wrong in terms of what someone would do. Just opinions :)
Sepata do what feels right for you.

I think their are some people here who need to get off their high horses and stop for a second and consider the position that the bride is in.

Consider how she must feel having to even ask this of her future SIL? She must have some ultra conservative people who she knows will get highly offended and upset if she has decided that this is the avenue she has to resort to. Imagine how she would feel on her wedding day when she is trying to relax and be happy if instead she had to be on edge and nervous that people were getting upset or even possibly angry about something. I know as a bride I wouldn't want that and I would want to minimise the possibility of this happening. She has done that in a discreet and reasonably polite manner. She hasn't shouted it from the rooftops, she hasn't gotten angry or made a scene, she has simple made a request and outlined her reasons behind it.

Get over it people. :rolleyes: Life is not just about breastfeeding. Your child and you will survive if for one day you have to cover up. Your family relationship if you don't may not.

Oh wow! I have no idea what I would do. My first thought was I wouldn't go, but upon thinking about it I would still go. It's just one day, maybe still go but I'd let her know that your not happy about it and you are doing this for HER and not for her precious family who you might offend...
What if babe is crying in the church and you have to get up and walk out during the ceremony? That would be more disruptive surely? Unless you are sitting right at the back.

I have BF in a chapel (not a church) at a wedding and TBH I didn't give it a second thought. It didn't even occur to me that some people might be offended. So whoops if anyone was. No one said anything.

This is a complete guess, but it may be that the debate in the media has stirred up the topic and one of her other family members brought it up while she was visiting recently and has made it clear they are strongly against it and she is concerned it will cause issues.
Can you imagine how you feel if there was a major argument in the middle of your wedding? I know Id be devistated.

As for her message, I am all for not covering up. I never could either. But I didnt take the message to be anything other than polite. Maybe some others are projecting just a little bit? Or maybe I am. I dont know. I can understand why Sepata would be upset but I dont think it was intended to be interpreted that way.

Absolutely tell her you arent happy about it and you will only be doing it this once and only because it is her wedding.

Personally I would go & I would use a muslin wrap or walk away.
It is her day & it is something that not everyone is comfortable with.
She has made the effort to politely email you & ask you to do this for her.
Had you been there & she rudely told you to cover up then I would leave but that's not the case.
I breastfed at a wedding during the ceremony and no-one cared they even supplied a couch in the corner of the room to make it more comfortable for me.
But I was aware & willing to walk out should people not be comfortable.

If you hide away to feed this time you will be expected to hide away at the next family gathering and the next one and the next one and on it goes...
I would start the way you want to. PM her to tell her that you bought a new dress especially so that you could feed at the wedding and that you will decide how to feed based on your babies' needs as the day unfolds (if she has lots of annoying family needing to feed is a great excuse to duck off and hide for a while ;) )

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If you hide away to feed this time you will be expected to hide away at the next family gathering and the next one and the next one and on it goes...
I would start the way you want to. PM her to tell her that you bought a new dress especially so that you could feed at the wedding and that you will decide how to feed based on your babies' needs as the day unfolds (if she has lots of annoying family needing to feed is a great excuse to duck off and hide for a while )

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Good idea and true about starting the way you want to end.

I wouldn't go!!! That is so rude!! Tell her he won't take a bottle therefore you will have to feed him anyway. Tell her you always cover yourself up so nobody would see anyway and also say I hope you don't walk past a shop selling newspapers with page 3 girls with their boobs out!
I think that's really disgusting I wouldn't go in my opinion, awkward situation for you I hope you sort it xxxxxxx

Do you know which church it is?
Why not ring the pastor/priest/person in charge and ask them if they mind you breastfeeding (I have yet to encounter a priest who had issues with it although I guess there must be one somewhere). If they say it's fine you can message her and say it's ok because you've checked with the powers to be and they don't mind ;)

Maybe you could ask her which people in particular it is so you can just avoid them. Added bonus is you will probably find out if it is actually someone else or her that has the problem.

I think it may be worthwhile pointing out the practicalities here - i.e. "I can try to cover up, but it will probably mean that bub will be much louder and more people will notice than if I just fed him in the usual way". And then put it back on her - i.e. "You want private feeding then find me somewhere private with a comfy chair". At least that way you will probably not wind up having to feed on uncomfy reception centre dinner-eating chairs.

At wedding receptions I took bub away to the foyer - not at all private, but people were just passing through rather than having to see boobs with their dinner (cause we hadn't a hope in hell of using a wrap). And of course that was where the comfy couches actually were. In a church I would probably also have used the foyer.

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This is a complete guess, but it may be that the debate in the media has stirred up the topic and one of her other family members brought it up while she was visiting recently and has made it clear they are strongly against it and she is concerned it will cause issues.
Can you imagine how you feel if there was a major argument in the middle of your wedding? I know Id be devistated.

As for her message, I am all for not covering up. I never could either. But I didnt take the message to be anything other than polite. Maybe some others are projecting just a little bit? Or maybe I am. I dont know. I can understand why Sepata would be upset but I dont think it was intended to be interpreted that way.

Absolutely tell her you arent happy about it and you will only be doing it this once and only because it is her wedding.

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In response to the 'projecting' suggestion, I honestly don't think so. I thought about how I would approach a sensitive situation with someone I cared about and for a start it wouldn't be by email.
In addition I would let the other person know how I understood how what i was saying could make things difficult for them (empathy) and ultimately I would be super apologetic and acknowledge that for them to concede would be doing me a big favour, as opposed to the attitude of 'it's my day, so you should'.
I don't think 'it's nothing personal' really cuts it when you are hurting someone you care about, you let them know how much they are valued & how you don't want to upset them. The email lacked warmth that I would expect when dealing with a sensitive subject with someone I valued.

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Consider how she must feel having to even ask this of her future SIL? She must have some ultra conservative people who she knows will get highly offended and upset if she has decided that this is the avenue she has to resort to. Imagine how she would feel on her wedding day when she is trying to relax and be happy if instead she had to be on edge and nervous that people were getting upset or even possibly angry about something. I know as a bride I wouldn't want that and I would want to minimise the possibility of this happening. She has done that in a discreet and reasonably polite manner. She hasn't shouted it from the rooftops, she hasn't gotten angry or made a scene, she has simple made a request and outlined her reasons behind it.

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This. We don't know - she may be in a really tricky spot and could be hating the fact that she has to send the message. Is she usually a troublemaker? If so then yeah ok I would get upset but if she is normally a pleasant person then it doesn't sound like she is doing it to be horrible or disrespectful.

While I don't agree with what she has asked, weddings can be hard enough as it is when you through two families together, perhaps she is trying to avert what she knows could lead to trouble. I would go and be as discreet as I could and know that you have done everything you can to keep the relationship intact. It's only one day after all. If she is just being an insensitive troublemaker then this will become evident in the near future anyway.

Before you do anything have a coffee with her and talk about how you and your DH feel.

If it's not coming from her then that's good and won't effect other occassions.

If it is coming from her them let her know that you will respect her wishes as much as you are able on her day but for other family occassions you will feed as you have been.

I wouldn't go, simple. If my DH went (wouldn't stop him) I'd hope he'd make it clear why, in a non fuss, but matter of fact way. Psht, 9 months in my life and you're telling me when, where and how to feed my child? I don't think so.

We've had lots of feeding mums at my church, some of them move to the back to feed (out of shyness more than anything), some feed where they are sitting and some have gone into the private room with big comfy chairs. No one has ever thought to say they weren't welcome to feed in church and the day anyone did would be the day I found a new church! God made boobs to feed babies afterall.

As for this case, a few things spring to mind - for one, if you are sitting in a crowded church, I would've thought it would be highly unlikely that anyone would notice (and the parents sit at the front anyway) that you are feeding.
As to covering up while feeding - I personally wouldn't have a problem with using a light wrap or silk myself.