I have raised kids alone with an ex who didnt pay childsuport and caused alot of violence an trauma. as a result some of my children have had problems in the past, and caused me hell. 1 tried to turn a few of my children and friends against me a few years ago because he was angry that i needed him to leave home for the peace of the family. The family blew up at the time after always working together in challenges and they made my life such hell. After apologising the damage is still done and some of the lies they said about me from their own troubleness has turned people against me and made me cringe in teh community taht i grew up in have lived in for decades and always had such a good name which i worked hard for and deserved. Its effected me and my life greatly. I've heard of stories of similar happening ot others and the huge toll it took on every aspect of their life and emotions and relationships.
one child ws very troubled in the past and i spent years helping her till she was ok, helping her with anything that came up, self esteem, sleep, friends, work, hobbies, joy, boyfriend etc etc.
how she is doing well but this year she misinterpreted my protecting a sibling as being her enemy which i wasnt i didnt say anything rough or cruel but she was obviously troubled so she took it that way and didnt even talk to me before taking all sorts of action. i was so distraught i wanted to die, till i understood why she had done it that she had misinterpreted my needing to protect a sibling as being her enemy when i wasnt at all. it was hell for me what she put me through when i had had such a challenging year, a child very sick in hospital and other thigns.
now she is going to get engaged and will probably reneg on all her actions and want me to come
i really dont want to i dont want to go near anyone who is so troubled that they can make my life such hell. i just need peace after decades of heavy challenges.
but if i dont go it will perpetuate her image of me and make me look bad that she was angry with me etc etc. people dont see the truth they just see that probably i must be terrible when thats not the case.
i dont want to go but it will just perpatuate lies and a bad image of me if i dont. would you go ?
family rifts are painful and its like soemthing happens and its like written in stone and for years people can stay away form each other. she hasnt learnt to communicate, and find ways to get on. she almost did the same ot her partner who she is getting engageed to she almost cut off from him totaly instead of communicating with him about normal things, just before she did that to me.
do i want a family rift. why am i always the one giving and then kicked in the face and put through hell and then i come back so easily. i need my peace decades later.
a few eyars ago when my son tried to make trouble people just beleived any lie he said so easily. his apologising to me but not fixing the bad name he caused me which i didnt deserve has caused me much suffering. if i dont go it will just perpetuate lies and make me look bad
would you go ?
Last edited by sue1386; January 6th, 2010 at 05:52 AM.
I can feel your pain in your words - I am sorry you are feeling so raw & unsure.
I have learned in life that we can't please everyone. However when you kindly and with conviction live with authenticity things have a way of being okay.
I hear that as you see it your children have been the cause of a lack of respect for you in the town your live.
I am not sure if perhaps you are perceiving the "bad name" to be worse than what it is. I know for me I don't make judgements. I meet someone and I take it at face value. I think most people are like that. Yes, mud sticks - but as I see it you can choose to believe that people are judging you - or you can choose to hold your head up high and live a good life.
I reckon the latter would make you happier than the former.
As for the engagement. I would definitely go - wish her well, give her love and good wishes within your own thought out boundaries.
It depends if you want a relationship with her or not - not about what other may or may not think of you if you don't go.
If you would rather keep your distance and let the relationship stay where it is at the moment, then don't go. Just be aware that of course there will be ramifications - missing your daughter's engagement party is a pretty big thing to miss.
No-one can tell you what the RIGHT thing to do is. No-one, other than you, knows the history so as I said, it really depends on whether you want a relationship with her or not at the moment.
At the end of the day, you have to trust your own judgement and hang everyone else's two cents.
I agree with the previous posters, without being in your shoes its impossible for us to tell you what to do. I have an 18 yr old but still have no idea of the complexities of your realtionships with your older kids, I do know it can be VERY difficult though!!
I guess off the top of my head I'd say go, only that if you don't develop a better relationship with her in the future then so what you wasted an evening but if you do form a better relationship in the future the fact that you didn't go to her engagement party could be a thorn forever IYKWIM??
It sounds like you've been through a really rough time.
I would definitely go. It's your daughter's engagement. In years to come you won't regret going, but you might regret *not* going after your wounds heal. Not going will contribute further to the rift, and cause more pain, resentment, and anger to sort through before the rift can be healed.
I agree with Inanna - we choose how we want to feel about things. Perhaps you would find it helpful to choose another response to the hurtful events that have occured between yourself and your child(ren). I would hold my head up high and go. You have had pain in your relationship with her, but that is a separate issue that can be dealt with. It doesn't need to cloud an important and exciting time in your daughter's life by having her mother missing from her engagement celebration.
You said "she hasnt learnt to communicate, and find ways to get on" - so dig down deep and model it for her in this situation.
My own Mother NEVER came to my first engagement when i was 19 ... we didn't get along, and it truly didn't bother me that she wasn't there ... BUT to be honest it would have felt nice even for a moment if she DID come, and it honestly wouldn't have bothered me as me at the time even being 19 i would have understood it took courage for her to come if she did and for that it would have bought me some level of happiness ... After all she is my one & only Mum, regardless if i like her or not !!
Sue as a grown woman yourself you know how life can be so darn short and to think about how important an engagement can be but remember it's not quite a Wedding ... so if you ** don't go ** to this engagement i think you would have set in stone that you would never be invited to the Wedding, with that thought can you ask yourself if you can live knowing that ... If you feel that you can't or even take that chance then i think you have answered your question which is TO GO !!
Like someone else before mentioned you don't have to be there all night and then at least you can live with knowing you did your best putting everything else aside that has happened between you both ... I have to say i would look at you like one fab Mum for plucking up the courage to go and ' if ' it all turns haywire at the engagement you then need to DO what's best for you !!
should i go to her engagement?
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