DSD Potentially Moving Out To Friend's And Friend's Parents House - Could This Work?

[LionsandBears]

From what I've read of your previous threads, I think she's driven you to breaking point. And I don't think she's your top prioity at all - your family is and she's made it clear she doesn't want to be part of it. If she wants to go, let her go.

I disagree with paying her board AT ALL. She has a home. If she doesn't like it, then she can act like an adult and pay her own way. If she comes to an agreement with her friend's mum, then that's up to her. This may sounds cynical, but if you go 70/30 with her, then expect that your 30% will be paid, the 70% won't and then you'll be pressured to pay the rest. Of course it's good you're involved in discussing things with her friend's mum, but DO NOT agree to comitting money to anything. She's shown she'll abuse the situation if allowed to. She can get a job if she wants to be independent.

It almost seems predictable that she'll soon wear out her welcome at the new place and have to find something else. On the other hand, maybe seeing how other people live will teach her some respect. Either way, it probably best for the rest of you if she's not around anymore. From that I mean, you can regroup, live without the stress and hopefully develop a better relationship.

Personally, I think you've been bending over backwards for her and it's enough.

[fionas]

I hear what you're saying tashybabe - there's a glimmer of hope in the fact that I think she's starting to 'get' it. She's attended all classes at school for the last three weeks and all her exams this week despite the fact that she's been staying at a friend's place. So that's good. However, I'm not sure she's doing it because she values her education now or because she knows she won't have a leg to stand on with us or her friend's mum if she keeps banging on about how she doesn't want to go to Woodend because she wants to carry on at her current school. Hard to say you don't want to move schools if you get all Fs and have 39 absences in a few months (which was the situation a month ago).

Anyhow, on the board, I think this might be fair all round. I will look at what the guidelines are in terms of how many hours per week VCE students are advised to work. I think it's about 15. Then I'll find out what Maccas pays per hour. That will give me a figure that she can reasonably be expected to earn if she keeps up her VCE studies and then we'll figure out what proportion of that she should spend on board, what she gets to keep and whether there's any shortfall between what she can earn and what the mum wants in board. That way, she has a vested interest in not only getting but also keeping a weekend job AND not staying out so late that she can't work the next day.

We'll also make it a condition that she has to continue VCE.

Still not sure on the house rules - will wait to see what the friend's mum has to say about that.

[LionsandBears]

Just on my post which may have come across as completely heartless... Obviously you want to determine that the new house is a safe place for her to be. If there's any kind of issues that would mean she wouldn't be safe, then I wouldn't say completely cut her off.

I know you care for her welfare and will do the best thing. I hope I just came across as saying there's a line in the sand where looking out for her becomes detrimental to the rest of the family and from outside it looks like she's crossed it. And she needs to learn the consequences of her actions.

I was one of the kids left dealing with the drama of an older sibling that nearly did my mother in and ended my parent's marriage. The relief after he left and knowing he couldn't come back to arbitarily disrupt our lives (no house key) was immense. It came down to Mum making the hearbreaking decision to ban him from the house (not our lives) for the rest our sakes. So maybe that's why I seem black and white about it.

[fionas]

No you didn't come across as heartless at all tashybabe and look, these threads will always get different perspectives and it's about finding a balance. She's not an awful kid but she IS disrupting the family and her timing is bloody awful.

I'm usually the one who sees things from a parent's point of view, sees it from a teenager's view and end up being the Voice Of Reason and mediates between DP and DSD by working out what's fair. DSD has said this herself countless times in the past but it's really hard to be the Voice Of Reason when a) you have NO time to actually sit down for half an hour to reflect because you're housebound (because of physical incapacity) with a toddler who needs attention ALL day and when she's in childcare two days per week, I'm either going to physio, obstetrician, diabetes nurse or sorting out the house move and b)DSD is not doing anything to help her own situation by constantly breaking agreed boundaries and continually lying about big stuff and small stuff.

At the very least, I think she needs to live somewhere else for a couple of months. As I said earlier, it would be a different story even if I was pregnant but was otherwise in good health. But I'm not. My ob says he uses me as the poster girl for everything that can go wrong in a pregnancy when he has other patients complaining. The last few days have just been AWFUL for me physically and I've been at the end of my tether (from the couch) working out how the hell I'm going to be able to move in a week's time. We also have no family support and no babysitters. If I'm feeling like absolute crap, I can't just call someone to look after DD for a couple of hours. Luckily, I've persuaded DP to take this weekend off as carer's leave because I'm anticipating the diabetes to poleaxe me again so that I can barely look after myself let alone DD. Have felt substantially better today though which surprises me because my blood sugars are still crap. Could be the fact that I'm less stressed because a DSD solution has presented itself.

Sorry got way OT on that one!!!!

[Lulu]

With her behaviour I wouldn't be encouraging her to live anywhere else. It sounds like she's screaming for attention and wants a parent

So what you are saying is that she isn't a big enough priority for you to give her that attention she so clearly and desperately needs.
Not sure I would be thrilled if you offloaded her onto me, so not sure what you think this other woman is going to do to raise her when she has absolutely no connection to her or obligation to do so.
Why is she getting a choice to move to Woodend? She is a child. The family is moving to Woodend, she is either in the family or she gets on a plane and goes back to her mother - why are there any other options? I just don't get it.

I was her and I guarantee you, being allowed to move out of home when I was 16 was the WORST thing that happened in my life, and both my parents regretted it. You, and more importantly your husband, have a responsibility to this girl, please don't handball the problem to someone else because it is all just a bit too hard. Been there and it doesn't always work - and cerrtainly isn't fair on the other family.

What horrible responses, the pair of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm certainly glad I took my own story into the Private Support Group rather than risk this sort of response from people who clearly have no idea of the situation, or have bothered to check out the (many) previous posts to get an idea OR even trying to word your posts a little less harshly.

FWIW -MY situation with my daughter was tearing me and my family apart, I am aware of how hard Fi has worked to try and come to a happy outcome in her situation and FYI, we are not the only members of Belly Belly struggling (shedding tears and not sleeping) searching for help, seeking answers from others and at a total loss. Be careful how you post.

So go on girls, check out my threads, I've come out of the Private Areas and updated my story so you are welcome to come sling some arrows down there instead - I've come out the other side with a happy ending (after NOT allowing my child to treat others like dirt, and learning consequences), but I probably I won't be as graceful as Fi.

[LimeSlice]

I beg your pardon Lu, but I was under the impression the OP asked "what do you think?", not "make me feel good about the decision I have clearly already made but only answer if you agree with me".

I do not believe in this case (IE - has NOTHING whatsoever to do with you or your situation, as that is not what I was asked about, nor do I know much of, whereas I have read I think nearly ALL of Fionas previous posts about DSD and the situation) that letting her run away is an appropriate solution for ANYONE involved, least of all DSD herself.
Nor do I believe it should come down to anyone else to parent this child when clearly her father has ASKED for this responsibility and allowed her to come over from the States. All parties were aware of her behaviour and problems before she arrived, and from what I can gather, these were a very huge part of the reason she was brought to live with her father and Fiona in the first place. This is not a new evolvement, it is the standard.
If Fionas and her husband are in a situation now that means her behaviour has made their family unliveable, then I simply asked why they were bowing to this little twerps wishes and allowing her to get what she wants - which is to move out and not be beholden to any parents or rules (clearly think we have all stated this is the case) - and why she is not simply put back on the plane to go and live with her mother - the other PARENT.
For me personally, if this was me in the position of this other friends mother, I would feel obligated to take this girl in, given Fionas health and situation, and knowing there really wasn't any other option for DSD and the family. And I do not believe it should be any one else responsibility to deal with DSD's behaviour.
For example, what if something should happen to her whilst in the care of this woman (and she is still only 17)? What is she gets pregnant? Gets involved with drugs? Goes missing? Gets raped? Whose responsibility is that? Who is going to be worst off then? No doubt everyone will feel bad, but is this other mother going to wear the burden of responsibility? What will happen if DSD goes further off the rails? How will this other woman discipline her? What is her ultimate punnishment - move to Woodend? What if by then Fiona and her husband have a newborn and Fiona will take time perhaps months even to recover fully from the debilitating SPD she is suffering, or the baby is challenging and the DSD is still not up there in the priority stake? Where dos she go then if being home is still not an option?

There are so many issues involved here, it is not s imple "she needs to learn her lesson" - she is still a child, and giving in to her tanturms and allowing her to get exactly what she wants may very well not teach her anything at all, except what she may very well think she already knows that is she is unwanted and too difficult to bother with, by either of her parents.

I feel very deeply for Fionas and what she is going through... I cannot imagine how difficult her life has become through this pregnancy and how she is coping day to day should be commended and I have no idea how she is doing it. But this is not a "rally for Fiona thread", it was a serious question (I thought) posed by a woman who is clearly in distress and need over a particualry trying circumstance, asking for help and opinions and perhaps experiences in something similar, which was all I was offering - my experience.
For me though the fact that DSD is being destructive is unfortunate and even revolting given Fionas situation (quite honestly my initial reaction to her behaviours in a previous thread was she needs a good smack on the arse, even at 17 years old) doesn't negate the responsibility Fiona has, and more to the point, her husband has, of dealing with the problems (and finding out the cause of her behaviour in the first place - there is a reason, she doesn't behave like this for fun) and handling it as a family, and as parents. That is what was signed up for when she came over and like I said earlier, if they cannot do that because of the immense pressure they are both under even without DSD's 'input', then IMO she should be put back on a plane and go home to her mother.



If I was a little harsh in my earlier post, I apologise. I did not mean to imply I had no sympathy nor empathy for Fionas very very difficult position, nor did I mean to offend anyone.

[fionas]

Limeslice, she won't go back to her mum and her mum won't have her. Again, we would have to literally tie her to the plane seat to get her back there and she would probably run away from home the instant she was back. Yes, we signed up for it and before we did, told her at the time, it was conditional on her living by our rules and changing her behaviour. Which she did for a while but not now. We have been to counsellors - there are no 'big' issues.

The friend's mum knows NONE of my issues with SPD or diabetes. She may not even know I'm pregnant so would not be offering out of sympathy. We are going to be brutally honest with her - she may well take the offer off the table after that.

[Winter]

Maybe her mum is the big issue?

Fi, I think you have been so gracious in dealing with DSD. I've followed your story & I wish you the best & hope that it all works out for your entire family.

[fionas]

Yeah, look Winter, I've had that revelation too in the last few days because DSD is showing all the same behaviour that her mum does - lying, cheating, sponging off people, refusal to take responsibility for actions, trying to turn on the charm and when that doesn't work getting really nasty. At first I thought it was me making a lazy, obvious, cliched, half-arsed psychological analysis but I'm not so sure.

Just as a sidenote, on top of the stealing the iPhone from one of her friends, we also found out tonight that she's ripped off another friend who has given her lots of haircuts. She made an agreement with DP that he would give her $60 to pay her friend as part of her birthday present. He gave her the $60, she spent it and didn't give it to her friend. Her friend was extremely hurt and upset when DP told her the truth tonight as of course DSD had told her a completely different story.

[Lulu]

oh no - was this the hairdresser friend that she was going to move in with? Way to burn bridges! Poor friend.

Lime - so if you are aware of the background I'm even more surprised that would say words to effect that it's getting too hard so the kid gets handballed. And who on earth said this child was unwanted? Why do you need to use such language?

If it was as easy as sitting down and working things out as a family, don't you think this would have been done already? Don't you think every (well most) parent of a teen would not have tried that? Several times? What happens when that scenario fails (as it often does)?

Fi - the mum thing could well be true - but by the same token a friends DD had the same type of mother and she chose not to take that path. Bugger her, you just want to shake them sometimes and make them SEE! But you can't make teens SEE anything xoxoxoo

[Mum2Romone]

QUOTE : Right now Limeslice, no she's not our absolute top priority. I'm disabled and I'm pregnant and I don't want to lose this baby. Go figure.

wow this is such a horrible thing to say , maybe if she were your daughter, you'd have time for her. ????

my brother thought he was old enough to move out and moved in with someone who led him down the wrong path, If you and your husband arent there to guide her , do you expect this other parent to take over?

I feel for Fiona as my mum too had many sleepless nights worrying about what to do about my brother. Her solution was to let him go So she didnt have to deal with it. 9 months later Hes into all sorts of crap and has had 3 car accidents driving around with the morons he lives with. Once they are gone, thats it, They wont magically see the light and be good and come home. You are letting her out in a world that its obvious she isnt prepared for yet !!!! and hanging up your step parent gloves , from where in sitting..... You will only have many more sleepless nights worrying about her once shes gone !!!!!!

[Winter]

wow this is such a horrible thing to say , maybe if she were your daughter, you'd have time for her. ????

Umm, any chance you'd like to come back in with your Belly Belly hat on and start again? There are ways of saying things...looking forward to Take 2.

[fionas]

Hooley Dooley mum2romone you clearly have never read any of my numerous threads about my stepdaughter or my current health.

Lulu yes the very same hairdressing friend who is actually lovely but now can't buy more supplies for her little business because stepdaughter owes her so much and she was silly enough to trust her. We're having her over tomorrow to try and sort something out.

[Lulu]

Fi, as I speak - the daughter I locked out of my house for 2 weeks as a consequence of her crap behaviour - is at her Yr12 formal, in a stunning dress she paid for herself, in a limo and with her hair done (paid for lol) and on her way to studying medicine at Uni.

SDD will survive - however she does. When she leaves she will start writing her own book. It will be hers, with all her choices laid down in back and white. She knows she has a warm home to return to if she leaves and things go bad, and she will be able to make the choice for herself. She has options, many kids don't.

[Roryrory]

Fiona, teenage girls can be complete scrags. My year 10 co-ordinator said to my mum that girls can go off the rails in mid-late teens - all you can do is wait.

Fi, as I speak - the daughter I locked out of my house for 2 weeks as a consequence of her crap behaviour - is at her Yr12 formal, in a stunning dress she paid for herself, in a limo and with her hair done (paid for lol) and on her way to studying medicine at Uni.

Sounds like your wait paid off? My mum's did too

F her off out of the house - she has had her chances. I think a dose of dealing with people who are not family (and by that I mean people who will not put up with the same degree of your crap as your parents) will be good for her.

I know this is harsh but I have seen too many people have allowances made for them all their life. Yes she is still a teen, her brain isn't fully developed yeah, yadda yadda yadda. Well 17 year olds have fought wars, ruled countries, raised families, emigrated to foreign countries, raised siblings. She isn't a baby.

[Roryrory]

double post!

[Mak]

I know this is harsh but I have seen too many people have allowances made for them all their life.

I would tend to agree - but if she is screaming out to be treated like and adult then perhaps a dose of the realities of this will help her adjust the inappropriate behaviours. I have several people in my extended family that have always had allowances made, been bailed out and are really just 40yo kids. One of the biggest issues for me is going to be raising my girls to be adults who can be independent individuals. Give her the independence she is demanding/craving but the cons with it as well - so paying your own way etc. I think if you let her know you will have her back on a set of terms anytime you have done the best you can.
Take care - she is old enough to learn about consequences. xxxxx

[Marlene]

Hun, if the other mother wants to take her on, let her. But SDD should pay her own board, I have no idea why you would pay it for her. She can't do things half assed and either can you.
She should sort the house rules with the mother, and what SHE says goes, not you. It's HER house, not yours and I think the friends mum has a right to decide what the rules are.

She isn't going to prove she can act like an adult until she is forced to.

Don't forget she has treated you all terribly, she is old enough to do that therefore she is old enough to learn not everyone will put up with it. Also, sheis smart enough and ballsy enough to lie, cheat find a place to go on the weekends - she will be fine fending for herself xoxoxo

I agree with everything Lulu said.